British Comedy: Colin's Sandwich

Years: 1988-1990
Broadcaster: BBC
Genre: Sitcom
Written by: Terry Kyan, Paul Smith
Stars: Mel Smith, Louisa Rix
Episodes: 12
Episode Average: 7.000

BEST EPISODES:
Enough (1988), Night on the Town (1988)

SERIES ONE

(1988)
6 episodes
Series Score: 46
Episode Average: 7.67
Perfect 10's: 0

S1E1

FLAUNT IT

Originally broadcast: 18 October 1988
Directed by: John Kilby
Written by: Terry Kyan, Paul Smith

Colin's told that he's the only man for a huge photocopying job, a fashion assignment in Bengal means an unwanted emergency dinner party, and an extremely boring guest stands in the way of an exciting opportunity.

"Excuse me, Mr. Langley, would you like some ulterior motive with your prawn cocktail?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

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S1E2

TIME OUT

Originally broadcast: 25 October 1988
Directed by: John Kilby
Written by: Terry Kyan, Paul Smith

A decision has to be made about who's entitled to a period of leave, Jen suggests going on holiday to get away from the British summer, and different requirements lead to a suggestion about going separate ways.

"Look, hold on. Hold on. You write what you want to write. I mean, Beethoven didn't have somebody nagging on at him to branch out all the time, did he? 'Come on, Ludwig, what about a sea shanty for a change?'"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

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S1E3

ENOUGH

Originally broadcast: 1 November 1988
Directed by: John Kilby
Written by: Terry Kyan, Paul Smith

Colin's told to cut back on excesses for a fortnight after a health scare, the agony of it all isn't helped by a leaving party and Chinese takeaway, and an appointment with old acquaintances only prolongs the agony.

"Right. Plan for today. I think I'll stay here for a bit. Then I'll stay here for a bit longer. Then, if I'm not doing anything else this afternoon, I might bung me arse down here for a couple of hours. Mosey down the kitchen about 3:30, fix meself a cholesterol sandwich. Wash it down with a nice glass of Beaujolais. And then piss off to bed."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

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S1E4

PUSSYFOOTING

Originally broadcast: 8 November 1988
Directed by: John Kilby
Written by: Terry Kyan, Paul Smith

Colin's offered a chance to be published in the Langley Book of Horror, the pressure of a deadline leads to a bad case of creative impotence, and an effort to get away from constant distractions leads to the biggest yet.

"'Mauri lingered in the murky mauve twilight of the mausoleum mumbling his maudlin mantra malevolently'. Where they doing M on Sesame Street that week?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

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S1E5

BACK FROM BENGAL

Originally broadcast: 15 November 1988
Directed by: John Kilby
Written by: Terry Kyan, Paul Smith

Colin worries about his story making it to John Langley's office, the wait for the ring of the telephone is interrupted by returning friends, and an attempted apology leads to the most boring ear-bending in history.

Please go away... Please I'm drained... You've squeezed my last drop of sympathy out of me, I'm finished. You're flogging a horse that kicked the bucket hours ago. The flies are buzzing around my decomposing haunches and you're still laying into me.

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 8

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S1E6

NIGHT ON THE TOWN

Originally broadcast: 22 November 1988
Directed by: John Kilby
Written by: Terry Kyan, Paul Smith

Missing out on a Eurotunnel event leaves Colin considering his future, good news from John Langley comes with an invite to dinner, and a moment of cowardice on the underground proves to be a distraction.

"'Creative and Media'. 'Very Competitive' page. The 'Very Competitive Indeed' page. The 'Let's Face It, You Haven't Got a Monkey's' section. Oh, yes, here we are... 'Vacancies Already Filled but Advertised Anyway to Wind the Punters Up'."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

SERIES TWO

(1990)
6 episodes
Series Score: 38
Episode Average: 6.33
Perfect 10's: 0

S2E1

A BIT WHIFFY

Originally broadcast: 12 January 1990
Directed by: John Kilby
Written by: Terry Kyan, Paul Smith

Colin enjoys the praise that comes with the launch of the Langley Book of Horror, a film producer asks for a treatment by the end of the week, and Jen wants to relax after suddenly finding herself out of work.

"Next week? You've got to move fast. I'll tell ya, kids coming out of college nowadays, they're buying the magazine at eight, they've got the interview at nine, they've got the job by ten, and they're having their first coronary by half past two. You can't sit down."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

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S2E2

A PIECE OF CAKE

Originally broadcast: 19 January 1990
Directed by: John Kilby
Written by: Terry Kyan, Paul Smith

Colin tries to hold in his inner child when he attends a boring wedding, Trevor's announcement that he's getting married comes with a surprise request, and attempts to inject some originality don't quite hit the mark.

"I've got this irresistible urge to shout out the word 'buttocks'... or 'bottoms'... or 'bosoms'."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

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S2E3

ZANZIBAR

Originally broadcast: 26 January 1990
Directed by: John Kilby
Written by: Terry Kyan, Paul Smith

The fallout from a hijacked train provides inspiration for a story for a TV series, Jen accepts the offer of a lift for a second interview in Berkshire, and Colin begs not to be left alone with two consistently tedious guests.

"Nice, aren't they? They sort of give a certain je ne sais quoi, don't you think? I mean who wants apple blossom and window boxes full of geraniums, eh? No, give me the maggot-infested pile of spare ribs by the skip any day?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

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S2E4

NIGHT THOUGHTS

Originally broadcast: 2 February 1990
Directed by: John Kilby
Written by: Terry Kyan, Paul Smith

The demands of writing a screenplay begin to take their toll on Colin, the breaking point comes while standing in for Travers on a phone-in radio show, and Jen suggests that it might be time to hand in his notice.

"What's he going to throw at me now? 'It's in paper, Colin. All screenplays are written on papyrus, you should know that'. 'Where's the moose? I want a moose in this script, Colin. A bad-tempered one called Lionel with huge antlers and a furry bottom'."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

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S2E5

FRANK

Originally broadcast: 9 February 1990
Directed by: John Kilby
Written by: Terry Kyan, Paul Smith

Alan Hunter proves to be a perfectionist when it comes to endings, Jen starts to question whether there's a future in her relationship, and Colin rushes to the hospital when Des calls with bad news about his father.

"The business section, arguably the most useless, redundant four and a half square meters of newspaper ever printed. Destined for the cat litter the moment it comes through the door. Well, at least old Tiddles gets to have a quick scan of the Dow Jones index while he dumps his load."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

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S2E6

OUT TO LUNCH

Originally broadcast: 16 February 1990
Directed by: John Kilby
Written by: Terry Kyan, Paul Smith

Colin tries to shut things out by keeping himself as busy as possible, Jen suggests going on a relaxing holiday to get away from it all, and a trip to the 'best restaurant in the world' proves to be a stressful experience.

"Chemistry. No comment. His position in class reflects his ability and aptitude for the subject. Position in class: 31st. Number in class: 28."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

COLIN
WATKINS

Played by Mel Smith
12 episodes (1988-1990)
in... Flaunt It (S1E1)

JENNY
ANDERSON

Played by Louisa Rix
12 episodes (1988-1990)
in... Enough (S1E3)

TREVOR
BLACKLOCK

Played by Tony Haase
10 episodes (1988-1990)
in... Pussyfooting (S1E4)

ANDREW
TRAVERS

Played by Andrew Robertson
9 episodes (1988-90)
in... Night On the Town (S1E6)

GRAHAM
WILKES

Played by Lee Cornes
8 episodes (1988)
in... Night On the Town (S1E6)

DES

Played by Mike Grady
8 episodes (1988-1990)
in... Enough (S1E3)

MANDY
FAIRFAX

Played by Kim Clifford
5 episodes (1988-1990)
in... Zanzibar (S2E3)

JOHN
LANGLEY

Played by Michael Medwin
4 episodes (1988)
in... Back from Bengal (S1E5)

ALAN
HUNTER

Played by Nicholas Ball
3 episodes (1990)
in... Zanzibar (S2E3)

SARAH
VENABLES

Played by Jane Booker
3 episodes (1988-1990)
in... Flaunt It (S1E1)

RICHARD

Played by Nicholas Pritchard
3 episodes (1988-1990)
in... Flaunt It (S1E1)

ROSEMARY

Played by Lindsay Duncan
2 episodes (1988-1990)
in... Zanzibar (S2E3)

STUART

Played by Jonathan Coy
2 episodes (1988-1990)
in... Zanzibar (S2E3)

JOYCE

Played by Annette Crosbie
2 episodes (1990)
in... Frank (S2E5)