13 Horrifically Misjudged Movie Taglines

Tagline: Nobody Does It Better… Thirteen Times.

Oh, okay, I get it… “Nobody Does It Better,” that was a Bond song, yeah. Carly Simon. Classic. And then there’s… thirteen times? “Nobody Does It Better… Thirteen Times.” What does… that mean? That doesn’t make sense at all. Nobody does what better thirteen times? I mean, I suppose it might be suggesting that this is the 13th Bond movie or something, but that tagline still wouldn’t really mean what it’s trying to in that case, either. Why am I thinking about Bond having sex thirteen times? What has any of this got to do with [expletive] Octopussy?!

Tagline: Talking Just Causes Witnesses

I don’t know what to say about this one, except for the fact that it’s a line from the movie, and it sounds weird because it’s colloquial. That’s to say, the character who utters this ingenius slice of dialogue turned horrific tagline is supposed to be from the rural Ozarks, but staring at this sentence without context just hurts the brain, especially when it’s branded across a poster. If you haven’t seen the movie, of course, there’s no way to know what the hell “Talking Just Causes Witnesses” is supposed to mean. Perhaps the most mis-judged tagline ever, Winter’s Bone.

Tagline: An Event…

They were obviously shooting for slick and dramatic whilst also trying to build hype with this downright insane attempt at marketing Earthquake as the event movie to beat down all other event movies, but why didn’t they just make the tagline “The Event” or something instead? “An Event” implies that it’s just, you know, an event, like popping to the shops, or taking a sh*t. It’s an earthquake for God’s sake, not a Bar Mitzvah that you’re not really too bothered about attending, but your parents are forcing you to go to anyway. I hope somebody got fired for this one.

Tagline: Read for more. Much more.

What? “Ready For More? Much More?” Much More what, though? More kids being left at home? More of the same hijinks and adventures? Why would you phrase it like that? I don’t understand why you would opt to phrase it like that! So, yes, this is what they went for when it came time to push Home Alone 3 into theatres. This surely had to have been a default tagline that they had laying around the office and just wanted to get rid of. It’s so vague and senseless. Is it a question? Is there supposed to be a question mark somewhere? Burn it down!

Tagline: It Happened To Someone Who Knows Someone You Know. You’re Next.

This was obviously somebody’s idea of a cool, catchy tagline that would rank up there with the likes of Jaws 2‘s now classic “Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water,” but failed to remember that taglines actually have to be good to end up in the public consciousness. So when Urban Legend came out in theatres, it was branded with this incomprehensible muddle of ill-judged wordplay. They didn’t even settle for the mind-bending-ly awful (but better on its own) first sentence, and – for some reason – plopped “You’re Next” on the end.

Tagline: Do Not Disturb Them. They Already Are.

This tagline perplexes me in ways I didn’t know it was possible to be perplexed. Let’s try and figure it out together. So the name of the movie is Running With Scissors. Okay. And the “they already are” part means to imply that these characters are already “running with scissors,” I guess. But what the [expletive] is up with the “Do Not Disturb Them” part? Don’t disturb them? ‘Cause they’re already disturbed, maybe? Still, why the use of that phrase? If people were legitimately running with scissors, metaphorically or literally, wouldn’t it be best to disturb them? My brain hurts. On we go.

Tagline: The Truth Is Not What You Know. It’s What You Believe.

Your first question is probably: “What the hell is Ondine?” It’s a movie not quite as corny and illogical as its lame tagline, believe it or not. This one was probably made up in about fifteen minutes when everyone was told that they had to come up with something “romantic, but it’ll make you think, too.” It made me think – mainly about how little sense it makes. Why would you chose to ignore what you know in favour of what you believe? If you know something, why would you discount it? Is it possible to know and believe different things? I really don’t think it is.

Tagline: Unwittingly, He Trained A Dolphin To Kill The President Of The United States…

This one might’ve been lower down the list, had it not also doubled as being the greatest sentence ever written by a human being, not to mention downright hilarious. Where to start with this one, though? I mean, there are so many good things about it that it genuinely baffles the mind. The use of the word unwittingly is great, obviously, because how the hell does somebody do something as bizarrely specific as training a dolphin to kill the president without realising? The movie sucks, but the tagline is about as good as four Shakespeare plays, I reckon.

Tagline: This Christmas, Heel The Love

“No. Seriously. That’s what you’re going with? Heel the love?” Just my guess at what somebody in the marketing department might have said when their boss stumbled into work drunk and declared that this was the going to be the tagline for Marley & Me, and “nobody or nothin’ is gonna tell me otherwise.” Okay, so, we get it. Heel. Dogs can heel. But when was the last time anybody honestly used the word “heel” around their dog in a family environment? The ’50s, maybe. And it’s not like they had to do it because the pun was so delicious – it’s awful.

Tagline: A Girl. A Machine Gun. A Revenge.

Here’s one that almost certainly found its way into reality when the Japanese guy tasked with translating it for the English language poster just used a free app on a phone he found to complete the task so he could be on time for Friday night’s karaoke competition. I don’t know whether “A revenge” is supposed to be a joke or it’s a legitimate mistake. If it’s supposed to be funny, it isn’t, and I fail to see how some bigshot executive would feel otherwise. How does one carry out a “a revenge,” anyway? Is it anything like carrying out “a vengeance”?

Tagline: Why Are They Putting Seatbelts In Theatres This Summer?

I don’t know. Are they? Oh, they’re not actually putting seatbelts into theatres this summer? So why did you tell me that they were? It’s supposed to be a joke? Because the movie is so darn exciting, I need to be strapped into my seat? Riight. But if you’re not putting seatbelts into the theatre, then the movie isn’t actually exciting enough to warrant seatbelts, it it? So what you’re inadvertently saying here is that Star Trek V: The Final Frontier is just like any other movie, otherwise you would have actually fitted the seatbelts. Where are you going? Come back!

Tagline: Two Agents. One City. No Merci.

I appreciate a good pun from time to time, but nothing could have really prepared me for this tagline, which was obviously worked out back to front when a marketing man realised that the French word for thank-you sounded like the English word “mercy” and couldn’t help himself. But this actually and genuinely says “Two Agents. One City. No thank you.” Which doesn’t really mean anything, does it? It’s just some words all put together that don’t have any real context. Still, considering the quality of From Paris With Love, that sort of makes sense, I guess.

Tagline: The Only Thing More Terrifying Than The Last 12 Minutes Of This Film Are The First 92.

The person who came up with this tagline probably thought they were a twisted genius of sorts, but obviously failed to understand what they were implying about Dario Argento’s seminal horror film: that the first 92 minutes were really scary, and the ending wasn’t. Who wants to go and see a horror flick that they know isn’t going to be as scary in its final moments? This is the tagline equivalent of a backhanded compliment. Except it’s just a backhand, and there’s no actual compliment involved at all. How this was overlooked, I don’t know.