Worst Movies of 2009...

Annnd the award for most obnoxiously awful movie of 2009 goes to...The Unborn.

I don't feel I should waste more of my time on this movie. Just read my review...

Which is right here

Absolutely. Awful. In every conceivable way.

It's as bad as Disaster Movie. And that is in no way an exaggeration. It was just godawful and excruciatingly unfunny.

Full review here

Critic Mark Kermode said that if he saw 10 movies during 2009 which were worse than Bride Wars, he'd quit his job because he doesn't want to continue being a critic if there's that much cinematic excrement hitting our screens these days.

I feel the man's pain. This movie is DREADFUL.

Full review here

If I end up slitting my wrists because of this movie, can someone sue the filmmakers for me?

Full review here

What the FUCK did I just endure?

Two and a half painful fucking hours of climaxes and money shots. No tension. No suspense. No goddamn excitement. No fucking good!

I didn't give a flying fuck about anything that happened throughout the entire goddamn movie. I checked my watch every 5 minutes or less. I was bored to tears from start to finish.

Everyone will tell me "Hey lighten up, the action and effects are good".
Yeah, fuck off. It's CGI-driven rubbish minus emotion or any semblance of humanity. The action was made a blur. I couldn't enjoy it because I DID NOT GIVE A SHIT! Characters are flat and stereotyped, therefore character development is boring. In battle, I didn't care about the Transformers because they're sapped of all charm.

This is just explosions, AWFUL childish humour and a muddled plot which doesn't make a lick of sense.

Fucking waste of time.

Full review here

Never at any stage throughout my film reviewing hobby career did I ever think I'd be wishing for the acting "skills" of Jean-Claude Van Damme during a movie. Alas, this second stab at a Street Fighter screen adaptation is a bigger mess than its awful '90s predecessor.

I have no idea why I decided to subject myself to every minute of this putrid cinematic abomination. I'm a film buff - not a masochist or a martyr.

I don't know how to begin to tell you what exactly is wrong with this shit...

Full review here

Dance Flick is just not funny...at all. It may not be as bad as the recent spoof disasters (like, uhm, the aptly titled Disaster Movie), but it's still awful and excruciating. All the gags are predictable. Nothing is clever. No plot either...

This is an abomination.

Full review here

Good lord, what an awful, awful movie.

It's a romantic comedy that fails to be charming, romantic or funny. It's an excruciating 90-minute journey through not Greece contrary to popular belief, but every rom-com convention ever conceived.

The stereotyped characters are borderline offensive too.

All round, an awful film

Full review here

I admit it... When I saw the trailer for this movie, I laughed. I saw a few things which genuinely made me giggle. Little did I know these parts were the only remotely amusing sections of the entire flick.

Old Dogs is painfully, embarrassingly by-the-numbers, saccharine-coated, predictable, and pretty drab.

Full review here

Oh Jesus. I'd heard bad reviews for this one. I looked at the Rotten Tomatoes score. But nothing could've prepared me for the turd lying in wait. It is not funny at all. In fact, were there any attempts at humour at all? If there was, I didn't notice them.

Thank fuck it's so forgettable. Means I can sleep easily knowing I'll never have to contemplate this pile of crap ever again.

Full review here

Did you hear about the mind-numbingly predictable, painfully unoriginal rom-com that's rooted in formula and blander than a rice cake?

Full review here

Jesus Christ, this was bad.

A mishmash of familiar elements from so many other movies, with no enjoyable humour, likable characters, or entertaining scenes.

Oh, I tell a lie. There was one likable character. That bitchy school girl who's a total bitch to the hero. How bad is a movie if you like the bitch character but not the hero? How bad is a movie if said bitch is 11 years old and gave me thoughts of pedophilia? Blame the movie for these thoughts, not me.

Full review here

I wanted to like this flick. Truly, I did. Hugh Jackman is an awesome Wolverine. Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool is a great casting decision. I like the X-Men franchise. I like action movies. Outlook was looking pretty positive until I actually watched this train wreck.

It's difficult to outline what's wrong with this film, as it's pretty much everything. Most of the acting is woeful, dialogue is terrible, zero character development, so many unbelievable moments, poorly-constructed narrative, and so on.

Read my full rant here

Not impressed... Not impressed at all.

Oh sure I grant that the performances were at least spirited, but there's nothing else of interest or worth. It follows the rom com formula to the letter, it's predictable, too many cloying scenes, not enough laughs, etc etc. In fact the only good laughs are in the credits...

Full review here

Couples Retreat runs for 110 minutes. Yeah, what's intended to be a fun, fluffy comedy runs for longer than some of the year's Oscar bait. During these 110 minutes, I don't recall laughing, nor do I recall enjoying myself. What I do recall is hating every minute, character, predictable plot obstacle... Heck, the whole enterprise in general.

The studio should've just used the funds from the film's budget and sent the cast and crew for a holiday over in Bora Bora, instead of shipping them over there to make a turd of a film.

Full review here

Hollywood, please take note: mall cop movies are destined to suck.

Two mall cop movies in the one year. Both of them landed on my 'Worst of 2009' list.

This movie was horrible. It was not funny in the slightest. It was sloppy. It was lazy. It was crap. It was not any good.

Full review here

Holy fucking shit, what a dreadful piece of celluloid!

It had the potential to be 2009's greatest comedy with Judd Apatow, Harold Ramis, Jack Black and Michael Cera on-board. But if there's a moral to this movie, it's something financial planners warn of: past performance does not always guarantee future results. This is an object lesson.

Full rant here

God. It's Cliffhanger meets D-Tox meets The Thing, and the results are nowhere near as awesome as that sounds.

Whiteout had potential. It's an R-rated action film which is rare in this day and age, and it could've been a really intriguing murder mystery. Instead, the suspense is replaced with the boredom, and the action is poorly handled. It's just not fun. At all.

Full review here

Total crap. The film tried to be an ultra-trendy, witty horror-comedy with plenty of symbolism, but it's also a trial to sit through and impossible to enjoy. I don't care about symbolism. Above all, I didn't care about anything that happened in the film. It's a snooze-fest.

Megan Fox is the only reason people are going to see this film, and we don't even get a tits shot. Ho-hum.

Full review here

It SUCKED! Big time!

A bloated exercise in CGI overload, with cardboard characters and an uninteresting narrative. It's the commercialisation of the Terminator franchise - it could easily be mistaken for a Transformers sequel.

Review here

Ah, January. The season for dumping the worthless films that don't stand a chance. This combination of Die Hard and Home Alone is fairly entertaining, but it just isn't funny and it's so by-the-numbers.

Who really expected this film to be good, anyway?

Full review here

I sometimes wonder if WWE Films has any self-respect at all. Fund a sequel to the worst action film of the past 5 years? What a great fucking idea.

Good news is, it's better than its name-only predecessor. Bad news is, that's a backhanded compliment.

Review here

Dunno why I even bothered with this one, to be honest. I should have heeded the warnings from all those critics and I should have gone with my gut instinct, rather than wasting a full 110 minutes on this tripe.

I was in a "time to find more films for my annual Worst of list..." period, but even then...I really wish this film wasn't so damn long.

Full review here

Boy did this suck.

It's a low-budget direct-to-DVD thriller from the tired mills of Michael Bay's Platinum Dunes.

Stale. Predictable. Half-hearted. Barely thrilling.

It did have potential before descending into formula.

Full review here

A Best Picture nominee lands on my annual Worst Of list?

Believe it, folks. The Blind Side is total shit. If you want reasons, read my review

I LOVE Tucker Max's best-selling book. It's one of my favourites. It never fails to make me laugh. What makes it so funny is Tucker's sharp commentary on everything that happens more often than what happens or what he says. Shame the film has no sharp commentary. It leans on actions and dialogue for laughs. Talk about electing the wrong angle...

I'm really disappointed in this film.

Here's my full review

I truly regret it, but I actually paid money to go see this painfully formulaic teenage comedy. Zac Efron shows comedic potential, but the script fails to serve him. Star Wars and Lord of the Rings references brighten the atmosphere of an otherwise dreary cinematic creation.

Nothing we haven't seen before.

Full review here

The point of rebooting a franchise is to insert something fresh and new into a tired formula. J.J. Abrams' Star Trek re-invigorated an old franchise successfully in 2009 by introducing something new. Ditto with Christopher Nolan's resurrection of the cinematic Batman franchise.

Friday the 13th, from Michael Bay's Platinum Dunes production company (made solely to produce superfluous horror remakes), is just same old, same old. Tits, violence, gore, machete, Jason, Camp Crystal Lake, one-note knife bait characters...sounds a bit too familiar, doesn't it?

The bottom line is, I enjoyed this reboot (surprisingly more than I expected) but it's far too by-the-numbers.

Full review here

Oh boy. It's an awful sign when a film written and directed by Judd Apatow appears on one of my yearly 'Worst of' lists. The fact of the matter is Judd is attempting to shift his career forward by displaying maturity in his work. Unfortunately, this just isn't the right platform.

Funny People is a drama-comedy that's neither funny nor touching. I never laughed out loud - all I did was mildly chuckle or smile no more than five times during the two and a half hour runtime. Major problem.

How Judd Apatow has fallen...

Full review here