8 Summer 2011 Movies That Shouldn't Get Sequels

What happens when Warner Brothers spends $300 million making and marketing a film they hope will be the next franchise to replace “Harry Potter” only to score very negative reviews and absolutely no profit? Why, you start planning “Green Lantern 2.” Only this time you cut the budget and effects so severely that you wind up with a hero who wears a T-shirt that says “I’m the Green Lantern,” does all of his flying and crimefighting off-screen and spends most of the movie watching previews for “The Dark Knight Rises.”

In the new film the Smurfs magically wind up in New York City, where all sorts of hijinks, shenanigans and a third word meaning hijinks and shenanigans ensue before they find their way back home. But should the movie keep the use of the word “smurf” to just under 4000 times per minute, audiences may be willing to tolerate a sequel in which the little blue fellows come back to make it big in the Big Apple. And so we will have 90 minutes of Smurfs getting dead-end temp jobs and living entirely on raman noodles as they go on countless theater and commercial auditions in the hopes of becoming famous. In the end they all return home to live with their parents and work at their dads’ car dealerships.

The problem with “The Hangover Part II” is that it was the exact same movie as “The Hangover,” only with a different location and a monkey instead of a tiger. So naturally there is no need for a Part III. But since a box office of $550 million dictates that there must be another sequel, perhaps it can focus just on the tiger and monkey. They don’t even have to get drunk. They can just simply, slowly destroy a hotel room. Or maybe just wander freely outside in a movie about how happy animals are when they don’t have to deal with cramped film sets, annoying movie crews or Bradley Cooper.

One of the biggest selling points of “Super 8” is how it captured the feel of the late 1970’s (sometimes at the expense of character development and plot). Though not a huge blockbuster, the movie did well enough that we might have to endure “VHS” (or “Betamax,” depending on copyright issues), in which the now college-aged cast try to film a bad Indiana Jones rip-off on videotape in the 1980s. Along the way they solve a magical Rubik’s Cube, score their film to Men at Work LPs, are visited by Max Headroom, get sick on New Coke and are mesmerized by the sheer graphic power of Intellivision. The sequel ends when the crew accidentally tapes over their film with an episode of “ALF”.

The first “Cars” movie took place in the small town of Radiator Springs. “Cars 2” takes place across the world. So it only makes sense that “Cars 3” will take place on another planet as Lightening McQueen and Mater travel to Mars to compete in the Red Planet 5000. Once they get there, though, they find the only other vehicle is an almost comatose Mars Rover. For the rest of the movie the two cars wander aimlessly across the barren surface, slowly going mad from sheer isolation as Mater’s unending cornpone gibberish turns to talk of murder-suicide. But just when all seems lost, Lightening and Mater discover the legendary Martian ocean…and drown

As persistent as death is in the “Final Destination” movies, so is the film franchise itself. So we already know a Part 6 is being written, filmed and completed by the time you finish reading this sentence. Perhaps the only way this madness can end is if death kills the film crew of “Final Destination 6” as the plot of “Final Destination 6.” That way over the course of the movie the actors have to improvise their lines because the screenwriter is killed. Then work in darkness because the lighting staff is dead. Then be filmed from the ankles down because the cinematographer keeled over. The pass each other notes because the sound engineer just died. And on it would go until there is just a white screen and one very confused production assistant.

The movie may not be a huge hit but that won’t stop the producers from making a slew of films based on the chatty zoo creatures. Only instead of helping Kevin James with his love life, the talkative animals will help police with hostage negotiations. Then try to broker a deal between political parties to help the economy. Then wage war against those nasty talking apes to save humanity only to realize they should join forces with their enemy instead, resulting in the new film “Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Gorillas, Lions, Elephants, Frogs, Giraffes, Wolves, Ostriches and Capuchin Monkeys.”

Technically there can’t be a sequel to the final movie in the “Harry Potter” movie franchise. For starters, it’s the FINAL movie. Also, the story is complete…as far as Harry, Hermione and Ron are concerned. But what about Neville Longbottom? What happens to him after the last great battle? Welcome to the next eight “Harry Potter” films—minus Harry Potter—as we watch Neville get married, have some kids, get a job, deal with mortgage payments, mow the lawn, attend Little League Quidditch games, wander aimlessly around Costco and fall asleep in front of the TV. But all done with exciting magic as Neville faces his greatest nemesis ever-high cholesterol.