In Space, No One Can Hear You Vomit

Passengers. It's a movie. About dating. In space.

It reminded me of Red Planet, which isn't surprising, since it's the saddest excuse for science fiction that I've sat through since Red Planet.

This movie wanted so badly to be "Moon", but ended up being a poorly scripted soap opera between two conventionally popular actors with no chemistry. It took itself seriously when it really shouldn't have. I like Red Planet slightly better for being self-aware enough to let Val Kilmer say "Fuck this planet!" and end with a Carrie Moss soliloquy about how she's going to spend some time with the space janitor. Either make a real piece of science fiction or be honest about the fact that you're making schlock.

Pros:

Ship design was cool
Bartender was most likely a homage to a much better film (The Shining)
I have a new director to hate (Morten Tyldum)

Cons:

Chris Pratt
Jennifer Lawrence
The plot
Endless melodrama
Shameful use of Laurence Fishburne in a sad, 10 minute supporting role
Hideous credits music
Unlike Red Planet, it made money

If Chris Pratt, Jennifer Lawrence and Morten Tyldum each get hit by a flaming bus tomorrow, and die, I still will not believe in god.