Vampires Suck Reviews

the movie is really funny its even better than the original itself the acting was freaking awesome and u really feel that it dosnt make u feel bored at all its perfect,hilarious and so worth watching i think that they should make part 2 !

Although I don't like Twilight saga, but I can't give more than 3 stars. It's just not worth more. I think so.

Well, I wanted to check this out for one reason and one reason only: I cannot stand the Twilight franchise and wanted to at least check out if Vampires Suck was only a tad bit better but as predicted, it was shit but not as shit as the films it is taking the piss out of! Where I think this film could have been great as in funny would be if it was actually funny to literally laugh out loud at, not to groan with embarrassment and shame towards. It was like it wasn't spoofing it in a funny way. I wanted to like this but I really didn't.


We all know that pretty much every single spoof is bad even though there are a few good exceptions but what ones like this are weak at, not only the fact that they aren't even laugh out loud funny but also they barely try with making it a suitable attraction for viewers to watch such as the incredibly cheesy make-up, costumes and art direction. Understandably, spoofs aren't really the kinds of films that everyone would enjoy and after seeing this one, it is no wonder why.


The comedy masterminds behind Epic Movie, Disaster Movie, and Meet the Spartans drive a squeaky rubber stake through the heart of the Twilight series with this irreverent satire about a teenage girl who's torn between two supernatural suitors. As Becca struggles to contend with her overbearing father, two fierce rivals compete to win her heart. But Becca isn't the only high-school student having a hard time with boys; her friends are all desperate to find a date for the prom, and as the big night draws near, the rampant tension draws out the animals in everyone.


In every film directed by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, they have cast actors who I hadn't even heard of until now and, quite frankly, because their acting was so bad, I don't even want to hear of them ever again. Admittedly, I will give some of the actors credit that they did look like the actor and character they were playing and ripping off but their acting wasn't even close to satisfactory but like the entire film in general, I didn't feel half the pain with this one as I did with the Twilight films themselves especially New Moon and Eclipse. Also, I will say that the actors in this aren't ripping off every single vampire film and their characters like a lot of people have suggested but it is just ripping off that series. Where it could have been awesome is that if it was acted and maybe even directed by the same people who did the Scary Movie franchise. I haven't seen them but they certainly received more recognition and credit than anything by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer.


Admittedly, in Meet The Spartans despite that was even crapper than this, I did laugh at least once but the rest just made me gag but the entire film of this made me gag and feel pain. Meet The Spartans is mysteriously worse for me but I don't know why. I would have said if I actually found it funny that it was a good script for ripping off such pieces of shit but despite that, it just didn't work in the slightest. It felt a lot like random folks off the street who hate Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner and even Stephenie Meyer decided to write it and then contacted the two directors and decided to make it. I will admit that I am not surprised that they decided to make a spoof of the Twilight franchise especially when it's trying to top the awesome Harry Potter franchise but it is just failing. I can see these two guys directing a spoof of Harry Potter, Star Wars, Lord Of The Rings or even a Pirates Of The Caribbean spoof next. Vampires Suck did earn a lot of Razzie nominations as predicted but I don't think it'll win Worst Picture because it is trying to be crap and the directors don't care (which in a way, I admire) so think it'll be The Last Airbender (most likely winner) or The Twilight Saga: Eclipse. *Bitch slap to Stephenie Meyer*, right there!


Overall, Vampires Suck obviously does suck and is an absolute disaster! This could have been great to those people who hate the Twilight films such as myself but obviously not. Not the very worst film of 2010 but it definitely is one of the worst of 2010. Whether you're a fan of the Twilight franchise or not, you will cringe at this and be embarrassed that you're watching this, trust me!

Not much can be said about this movie, not much that is nice, anyway. There are, however, several honest things to be said.

First, the jokes:

These jokes are horrendous, cheap, and frankly, stupid. Most of the fall flat and don't really make much sense, but there are a few gems. many of them start out funny but quickly spirals into the realm of absurd, and have nothing to do with the plot.

This brings me to the plot:
The plot is basically Twilight and New Moon meshed together. This is not handled very well, and seems like they tried too hard. Why not just stick to the plot of Twilight, there is plenty of territory to parody there. One of the things this movie is good at, however, is sticking to the plot (at least when compared to other seltzerberg projects).

The acting:
This is easy to critique, as most of the acting is not very good.
Even Ken Jeong(sp), isn't very funny. The one bright spot is Proske, who gives a spot on impression of Kristen Stewart. If you close your eyes you can almost believe that the star herself is in this movie. Proske, however was not enough to save this garbage.

Overall:

This is a pretty pathetic attempt at a parody with stale jokes and immature humor. The one good performance does not make up for the horrible ones. The plot is stupid and clumsily put together, and the production value is lacking. In short, do not see this film, you will beg for the time you lost, and wish you hadn't even watched the trailer.

I felt the need of an official Twilight parody and I think we could have got better than this. Apart from some frikkin amazing moments, the movie follows the saga plot and thus results boring (both to those who couldn't stand the movies and to those who watched them and know the story). It's sad to see how all the parodies (Disaster movie, Scary movies and this one) end up being just sadder than the originals. Youtube offers more brilliant parodies!
(2.5 because Jacob!Chihuahua and 'homeless eating ice cream like' Edward have been just WIN!)

Some sagas just won't die. (Yeah, neither will the fuckheads behind these spoof movies)

After rendering audiences momentarily brain-dead and polluting multiplexes back in 2008 with the positively apocalyptic one-two punch of Meet the Spartans and Disaster Movie, I honestly thought and hoped those movies would be the end of the writer-director duo of Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. Unfortunately, Hollywood is always on the hunt for a fast buck, and thus the go-to spoof movie hacks have made their return with the unreasonably woeful Vampires Suck. This time, the sights were set on the easiest target imaginable: the Twilight saga. The material here is played far more broadly than in the actual Twilight films, but is somehow even worse than the Stephenie Meyer adaptations - and even less funny. Once again, Friedberg and Seltzer relied on jokes which relate to people getting kicked, punched, smacked in the face and beaten up, and such "humour" is unable to compete with the painfully sincere cornball dialogue found in the real Twilight flicks.

After her mother abandons her to pursue Tiger Woods, Becca (Proske) moves to the small town of Sporks to live with her estranged sheriff father (Bader). In Sporks, the vampire population is rampant. At her new high school, Becca is inexplicably drawn to the brooding, pale-faced vampire Edward Sullen (Lanter). (Get it? Sullen? It rhymes with Cullen, and describes the faggot vampire in a truthful manner.) Soon, for no good reason, Edward falls for Becca, but leaves town when he gets frightened about what might happen if they get too close. Hoping to divert Becca's gaze is the burgeoning werewolf Jacob (Riggi) who's madly in love with Becca for no good reason other than because the plot demands it. With prom right around the corner, the twisted love triangle is destined to come to a head.

To begrudgingly offer a glimmer of positivity, Vampires Suck is the best film that Friedberg and Seltzer have unleashed upon movie-goers. For starters, the production values are slightly improved and borderline impressive. Secondly, there's something resembling a narrative here as opposed to an incoherent succession of barely-connected sketches. On that note, the film manages to highlight the long-winded nature of Twilight - the first two films are condensed into 80 minutes here, and nothing important feels excluded. Also, with a few exceptions, Vampires Suck is primarily a spoof of the Twilight movies, as opposed to previous spoof flicks which were grab-bags of anything that had been culturally significant within the past year. However, this is all faint praise, as Friedberg and Seltzer's concept of what constitutes a parody movie remains unchanged. For Vampires Suck, the duo did what they always do: they crammed in as much product placement as possible, included a barrage of uncreative gags, and smashed the ensemble in the face. The makers clearly adore body trauma, as it constitutes 70% of the humour. It's not remotely amusing, but Friedberg and Seltzer firmly believe that brutality equals laughter, and nothing can persuade the morons otherwise.

Making fun of Twilight is the equivalent of fishing with dynamite, but Friedberg and Seltzer were unable to conceive of any humour that's worth a damn. Their idea of comedy is to replicate key scenes from the Twilight movies and conclude said scenes with something colossally unfunny such as a crude sex joke or someone getting smacked in the head. Whenever Friedberg and Seltzer grew tired of this approach, they reverted back to groan-worthy piss-takes against Indians or Canadians, or tabloid mainstays like Lindsay Lohan and Chris Brown. There are even references to unrelated items such as Dear John, Alice in Wonderland, Gossip Girl and even Buffy the Vampire Slayer (the Buffy lookalike is so woeful that the joke had to be blatantly spelt out). Even with all of this filler, the film barely makes it to feature-length status. There's a lot of painfully unfunny and depressingly pedestrian stuff, too. For instance, Jacob's werewolf clan are a pack of dancing homosexuals, and Becca's dad has a relationship with a blow-up sex doll. Worse, the humour is never so stupid it's funny, but so stupid that it's just very, very stupid.

Furthermore, some jokes don't even make sense. For instance, one of the Sullens goes crazy when Becca gets a paper cut and starts bleeding. The gag is that he's so hungry that he envisions Becca's head as a Big Mac. This is illogical, though, as vampires do not like or eat Big Macs. It's like Elmer Fudd envisioning Daffy Duck as a bag of blood rather than a roast duck. Even worse is the fact that Vampires Suck is unable to truly mock the "acting" work of the Twilight heartthrobs (Kristen Stewart, Taylor Lautner and Robert Pattinson). Anyone familiar with any of the Twilight movies will recognise the blatant flaws in all of their performances which are perfect for ridicule. Instead, Friedberg and Seltzer aimed low...and still missed. Why skilled performers such as Ken Jeong and Diedrich Bader are here is anybody's guess. It's uncomfortable witnessing these talented stars floundering on camera looking distinctly embarrassed. Added to this, all of the actors appear to be in on the joke, which makes it far less funny. They appear to be broadly mugging for laughs, and that's exactly why they aren't funny.

Running at about 80 minutes, Vampires Suck is so empty-headed and lacking in everything that it fast becomes an interminable endurance test. To quote YouTube reviewer Jeremy Jahns, the film "has the comedic appeal of an Al Qaeda hostage video". Oddly enough, 2010 denotes the 30th anniversary of the best spoof movie in history: Airplane!, which was masterminded by the ZAZ trio (David Zucker, Jim Abrahams and Jerry Zucker). Three decades on, and the art-form has disintegrated into this numb-skulled nonsense. How bad is Vampires Suck? It's worse than all of the Twilight movies so far, that's for sure. It's also so bad that those who passionately hate Twilight will come away thinking that the saga deserves a better spoof than this.

0.8/10