Battleship Reviews

There are films, and then there is Battleship. 131 minutes of explosions, tedious exposition, and lots and lots of yelling. The problem (or at least one of the problems) with Battleship, isn't that it's mindlessly stupid (though it is), or that it contains poor acting (though it does), but that it's profoundly boring. There are times when I nearly dozed off - despite seeing this in the early afternoon after a full night of sleep - and times when I resorted to checking my watch - despite doing so a minute prior. Battleship is one big, bloated, boring, bomb of a film. But if you aren't convinced yet, by all means, read on.

Supposedly inspired by the Hasbro board game of the same name (I'm sure I don't need to tell you that there are almost no similarities outside of their title), Battleship is about a troublesome weapons officer named Alex Hopper, who must lead a small group of navy soldiers against a fleet of aliens. And that is the entire plot.

Battleship really only has enough story and character development to create a 90 second film (plus credits), so how director Peter Berg got a two-plus hour film out of this is beyond me. The aliens don't show up until about the 30 minute mark, which actually isn't so bad when you consider that films like Jurassic Park or the recent Godzilla film wait 45 minutes to an hour before showcasing any real monster action. The problem here is that those 30 minutes feel like 30 hours because the characters are dull as dust, and there is nothing to hold our attention.

What's even more shocking is that the film actually gets worse when the aliens arrive. And this is why: at least before the aliens show up, there are things to occasionally laugh at (unintentional comedy only; none of the intended gags actually work). There is terrible acting, terrible dialogue, ridiculous character oversights, etc. And while most of these things remain in the preceding 100 minutes, they have worn out their welcome long before this point. And what's more, we realize that the monstrously bad opening only revealed a fraction of this film's many problems.

For one, none of the action is even a tiny bit engaging, which is a massive issue, because most of this film is taken up by said action. There are a number of reasons the action doesn't work.

1. We're not invested in the characters in the slightest, conceivable form. Obviously, with the exception of the feminist-pleasing Cora Raikes, none of the characters have any personality. We don't care for any of them. And in the case of the main character, we flat out don't like many of them.

2. Nothing looks real on account of some of the ugliest, cartooniest, and cheapest looking CGI I've ever seen. I was never convinced that anything on the screen was real. The special effects are laughably bad at times. People give the Star Wars prequels a lot of hate for the massive amount of CGI, but if you showed those same people Battleship (which I wouldn't even wish upon my worst enemies) they would find the Star Wars prequels to be increasingly appealing.

3. At some points, you can't even tell what's going on. A lot of the action just appears to be explosion montages.

4. There's nothing here we haven't seen before. The action scenes are just a bunch of shooting, and that's it. There is no variety. It's just ships shooting at alien ships. At two brief points, there is hand-to-hand combat with aliens, but one these is done in a purely comedic way, and the other is suffers from inconsistencies with alien's capabilities. And that's another reason the action doesn't work:

5. Battleship is never consistent. At certain points (especially the beginning) the aliens appear to be ultra-strong and perhaps invincible, with the humans leaving hardly a dent on their spaceships or armor. But as the film progresses, the aliens become increasingly weaker for no apparent reason.

This is just the tip of the iceberg.

There is a side story involving Alex Hopper's girlfriend, Samantha, and a double amputee soldier that accomplishes nothing outside of occupying an extra 30 or so minutes of the movie. Various questions about the aliens and their abilities are raised but never answered. This isn't done in a tastefully ambiguous way, so much as it was done to allow for cool shots to take place, without the inconvenience of explaining what they mean.

The design for the aliens - whom we don't actually see outside of their armor until about the halfway mark - is laughably bad. They just look like bald men with prickly beards. Their armor look like Halo/Storm Trooper rip-offs. And their spaceships are clunky looking, and totally forgettable.

The only vaguely entertaining aspect of Battlefield (outside of some unintentional comedy early on) is the amount of clips and camera shots the film re-uses over and over. There are times when you think to yourself "didn't I see this shot of that satellite earlier?" And of course, the answer is "yes," just 30 minutes ago. Many, many, many parts of this film are recycled into other scenes which makes the film seem all the more lazy. At one point, the same image of alien blasters charging appeared twice within two minutes (I know because I was checking my watch for most of the film).

The acting is awful at worst, and bland at best. Taylor Kitsch doing his best Batman vocal impression for most of the film, has mastered the appearance of looking confused and bewildered. He retains these expressions for most of the film, when he's not frowning or having the scene stolen by the nearest empty wall. Rihanna (yes, they allowed her to act) gets to do a bit of yelling, and Liam Neeson gets to do a bit less yelling. Brooklyn Decker and Gregory D. Gadson embarrasses themselves in laughably performances.

Steve Jablonsky's score is an atrocity. Messy electric guitars, melodies that have no more than single note, and themes that rip off Harry Gregson-William's theme from the Narnia films (perhaps a temp track issue?). It's loud, repetitive, and diverges into a number of action film cliches including dubstep, the horn of doom, and repetitive electronic melodies. The nicest thing I can say about Jablonsky's score is that it's better than the accompanying soundtrack (stuffed with bombastic rock-oriented songs), but so is getting one's toe extracted. And I haven't even mentioned the completely ill-advised use of the Pink Panther theme in one scene that surely has Henry Mancini rolling in his grave.

A lot of Battleship's defenders have insisted that this film is a good time if you just "turn off your brain." And despite the many problems I have with that particular line of thinking, I agree in that a brainless action film can sometimes be fun. However, Battleship is no fun at all, no matter how much of your brain is intact. It's long, slow, and totally uninvolving. The acting is bad, the dialogue is worse, and there isn't even a remote element of fun in this movie. On a more positive note, the ocean appears to be real and not a CGI effect at least some of the time. It does its job at looking watery and blue. The rest of the film is sewage.

Score: 0/10

"We are going to die. You're going to die, I'm going to die, we're all going to die... just not today."

There's a long-running online myth that, once upon a time, a respected chef attempted to perfectly replicate a McDonald's Big Mac despite not knowing the recipe, assuming it'd be easy considering that it's such a cheap, nasty, low-quality burger. But although he tried his hardest, he could never get it just right. Battleship feels quite a bit like that infamous failed experiment - it's what happens when otherwise smart people attempt to purposely create something that's below their abilities. In this case, director Peter Berg ostensibly aspired to ape Michael Bay's Transformers formula by turning an '80s toy property into a dumb blockbuster with loud explosions and jingoistic military propaganda. But, alas, he cannot quite get there, leaving us with a second-generation Transformers that nobody wanted. Battleship wants to be a fun ride, but it's also exhaustively moronic and much too long, not to mention it features an incredibly bland acting ensemble who put in zero effort.

A reckless underachiever, Alex Hopper (Taylor Kitsch) is pushed to join the Navy by his brother (Alexander Skarsgård) who hopes that it will set Alex on the correct life path. Alex may be smart, and he's a naturally gifted sailor, but he's unable to control himself and needs to learn how to shape up, be a team player and take some responsibility. He's also dating the impossibly hot Sam (Brooklyn Decker), who happens to be the daughter of his commanding officer, Admiral Shane (Liam Neeson). After a few disastrous mishaps, Alex's career in the Navy looks to be over, but he's thrown a curveball when aliens arrive on the planet, trapping part of the fleet inside a powerful force field. When Alex becomes the most senior officer on his ship left alive, it's up to him to captain the vessel, compelling him to shape up, be a team player, take responsibility, blah, blah, blah.

It's foolhardy to expect meaningful character development in a summer blockbuster of this ilk, but the story's dramatics are absolutely woeful, serving up cliché after cliché with relish. Alex dating the Admiral's daughter is basically 1998's Armageddon, while Alex's character arc is just a rehash of what James Kirk went through in J.J. Abrams' Star Trek reboot. It doesn't help that the first act of the picture is a complete bore, trudging through half-hearted attempts at character development that only induce yawns. The script by Jon and Erich Hoeber (last seen behind Whiteout and Red, a double whammy of awfulness) also adheres to the alien invasion template to the letter. After all, it assumes that an alien race would travel a long way and expend many of their resources to wage war on humankind. It also assumes that their defeating the aliens will mean an end to all future conflicts since they apparently won't try again. However, there is some interesting stuff buried deep inside the movie. For instance, the aliens appear to be using tactics and have a game plan, setting out to establish communications with their home planet rather than just mindlessly killing.

Nominally, Battleship is based on the classic board game of the same name, but you would hardly know it. This is simply a generic alien invasion movie tagged with the title of Battleship for brand recognition, though the film does incorporate one sequence in which the humans and aliens more or less play Battleship as they blindly fire into the darkness due to a lack of radar. It's an interesting idea, but Berg does fuck all with it; the sequence lasts all of five minutes. The movie is also a powerfully stupid endeavour aimed at the lobotomised. For instance, when the aliens land, they only attack the ships that open fire on them but seem to have no problem demolishing highways on the mainland and killing civilians. And it's seriously unbelievable just how much slack the aliens cut Hopper's boat. One ship is blown apart after firing one warning shot, but Hopper gets away with far more before his vessel is targeted. It's really bone-headed writing.

After spending more than 90 minutes stuck in a cinematic coma, Battleship at long last roars to life for its finale. Low on options, Alex fires up an ancient decommissioned Battleship to make their final stand against the alien invaders, enlisting the help of the ship's former crew who can still kick ass despite their advanced age. The ensuing set-piece is somewhat fun, but over too soon. It's a shame that these old dogs weren't recruited much earlier into the narrative, especially since they're manning the only Battleship in a film called fucking Battleship. Apart from the finale, the action sequences are for the most part lethally dull, an aesthetic mishmash of the filmmaking tendencies of Michael Bay and J.J. Abrams. There's some shaky handheld camerawork peppered throughout, and the frame is filled with far too much obvious CGI and distracting lens flares. This is a really ugly-looking film, and its ugliness is exacerbated by the aggressively teal colour palette. Battleship was reportedly produced for a massive $209 million, yet the money is not visible on-screen - most of the digital effects look incredibly phoney. What happened to the days of actors in make-up and costumes portraying aliens? Someone should've gotten Rob Bottin to work on this film.

2012 really wasn't a good year for Kitsch, with Battleship becoming the second box office disaster that he had headlined in a matter of months. It's clear why the actor's career as a lead never really took off, as he's completely bland and charisma-free. It's all the more disappointing considering that Liam Neeson also stars and could've been the movie's hero, but instead, he's utterly wasted, disappearing for pretty much the entire second act only to achieve absolutely nothing in the finale. Making her acting debut here is singer Rhianna who's utterly ineffectual, attempting the Michelle Rodriguez brand of gung-ho female badassery but ultimately coming off as forced. And for a film intended to launch her film career, Rhianna's dialogue is often restricted to single sentences of clichéd action movie speak (read this). Is this what passes for a strong female character in an action movie these days? None of the other actors make much of an impact, with a completely interchangeable Brooklyn Decker and a flat Alexander Skarsgård.

I'm not opposed to mindless popcorn-munching entertainment, and I didn't expect Battleship to be a great deal more than explosions and mindless action. But at an interminable 130 minutes, Berg's blockbuster is lethargic and uninvolving, requiring all viewers to literally switch off their brains. If you're in a really unfussy movie-watching mood, then you might overlook the awful dialogue, dreary performances and manufactured drama for the sake of a few halfway enjoyable action set-pieces. But there are far better blockbusters out there that deserve your attention. If you can make it through to the end, there's a post-credits scene that sets up a possible sequel, but it's unlikely that it will ever materialise considering the limp box office.

4.8/10

Wow!
Unfortunately my initial review fell 96 characters short.
Horrible movie! On the plus side I have nothing.

I wasn't really planning to see this flick but Linsey, my step-daughter, came home with a pirated version of this movie that just came out so I thought I should give it a try anyway. Well, the lack of inspiration in Hollywood has become pretty obvious since, after the sequels, prequels, reboots, remakes, book adaptations, comic-books, tv-shows, the only thing left seems to be a board game.... Anyway, honestly, I thought the whole thing was pretty boring. Indeed, the introduction was really tiresome and tideous and then the rest was just a mix of various movies going from the obvious 'Transformers', 'Independence Day', 'Predator' and even 'Titanic'. I felt pretty bad for Taylor Kitsch who was supposed to be the next big star but since this movie was rather underwhelming and 'John Carter' was a huge flop, I wonder what will happen to him after this debacle. And I felt even worse for Liam Neeson... Such a good actor and such a waste of talent. I know, I shouldn't take this movie seriously, it was supposed to be a dumb movie and it was dumb with some decent special effects but the whole thing was seriously barely entertaining. To conclude, even though it was technically rather well made, the whole thing was just tedious to watch and it is not really worth a look.

This movie is fun! The story is there, yes it is there and it goes smoothly. very simple and yes it is bit cliched but the entertainment value surpassed all these factors. I loved my time while watching this movie and I was happy by the end of it. Giant ships, awesome water effect I mean hats off to vfx team. I'd really recommend this movie to watch when you are with your friends. You'll have great time :)

There are several scenes of the movie are directly inspired by the Hasbro game, for example, in the film enemy fleets can not "see" each other because of problems with the radar, just like in the game the players can not see the position of the ships rivals.


The film is based on the board game "Battleship", sold in Spain under the name of "Battleship" and that in turn is based on the popular "Game of the ships" practiced by millions of schoolchildren around the world .


The scene in which the Japanese captain uses a network of tsunami detecting buoys to try to reach the enemy fire on ordering certain coordinates on a grid (Alpha 11, Bravo 44, etc ...) directly refers to the way you play the starting in the real game, had only missed the head of the alien fleet shout "water", "touched!" or "sunk", depending on where the rockets fall.

"You’re gonna die. I’m gonna die. We’re all gonna die... Just not today!"

If you thought Transformers was dumb, just wait to you see Battleship. Based on the popular board game of the same name, this is like drinking a shitload of Red Bull - it's not good for you in any way, but it tastes nice. Battleship has nothing going for it in terms of plot - at all. We've seen so many invasion movies that the story doesn't break new ground. Directed by Peter Berg, the film does what it's meant to do - entertain us. There's enough eye-candy here to keep brainless teenagers like me impressed, but there's no way this can hold a candle to the success of Michael Bay's Transformers franchise, which in a way, it tries to mimic.



Alex (Taylor Kitsch) is the tearaway brother of naval commander Stone Hopper (Alexander Skarsgard). Forced into the navy he's still got a lot to learn, but still manages to maintain a romantic relationship with the beautiful Sam (Brooklyn Decker), who is the daughter of the strict Admiral Shane (Liam Neeson). Elsewhere, scientists have built powerful satellites to communicate with any lifeforms out there in the universe. This unexpectedly invites a nasty species of Aliens to crash down on earth in the sea. Intent on using the satellites to communicate with their home planet, the aliens begin battle with US Navy Battleships (three to be precise), and Alex has trouble dealing with the situation.



There's nothing complex about the script, no surprise there. The humans involved are dull, with Alex being quite unlikeable, and we never get to see a great deal of his romance with Sam. I can't particularly note any other characters as there's nothing more to say this element. Basically, these characters are flat and the action is pushed for. However, there is humour in the film, which I liked. There are moments in the film when it doesn't take itself too seriously. As Battleship definitely has an absurd concept, it was nice to see that the filmmakers at least had a sense of humour, with the early scenes being quite amusing. Though a lot of this charm disappears as soon as the aliens arrive, the film still brings small doses of the amusement to keep the audience laughing from time to time. This isn't witty comedy, but it's so silly that you kind of go with it.

What I also hated were the aliens. These aliens, though they may have cool tech, aren't interesting. This is, of course, the fault of the script. Why did these aliens land on our planet? What do they want from us? We can only assume these answers as we're never really given hints. Also, I wish the aliens had been actual characters themselves - that way we could've maybe learned more about their intentions. With so many invasion movies that actually have menacing bad guys, Battleship just feels weak in the mix. These aliens aren't the slightest bit threatening (apart from the weapons), and their look is rather... weird. I won't spoil their design, and I can't even explain how terrible they look. Basic statement I'm trying to make: the aliens didn't deliver on what they were supposed to. The running time actually went over-board for me (see what I did there?), clocking over 2 hours. Normally I'm fine with this, but when nothing interesting happens on screen, it really starts to get boring. The pacing is definitely an issue, with the first act in particular draining our minds. I just wanted the film to cut to the battle - that's what the audience is here for. With such an empty script, the film really didn't to spend anytime with plot and character development. It was just a waste of time.



Taylor Kitsch is not having a good year. After the dismal John Carter (which is apparently the biggest box-office flop of all time), he's not having a lot of luck in the industry. My issue with him is that he brings the same performance to every role with that husky voice. Is he trying to be a badass or something? Granted he did have a bit of humour to work with here so that was nice. Liam Neeson spends most of the movie trying to keep a straight face, though he doesn't have a lot of screen time. Likewise, Alexander Skarsgard isn't in the movie for very long. Brooklyn Decker, surprisingly, didn't bother me too much in the film, and she had great banter with war veteran Gregory D. Gadson, who plays a patient of hers. However, someone who did bother me was Rhianna. Oh dear, she shouldn't be acting at all. Luckily, her character had absolutely nothing to do in this.

The only reason I went into this was for the action, and the film delivered on its promise. While it takes a while for the action to begin, I was satisfied when it started. The aliens crashing on Earth literally brings the action to the film, and it immediately enters into explosive battles. Berg has always been fond of using shaky-camera work, but he tones it down in Battleship The action sequences are actually extremely well put together, with the sound perfect (the sound effects are reminiscent of those in Transformers), and the images crisp and convincing. There are small set-pieces that actually hark back to the game this film is based on, and those moments are fantastic, adding actual tension to the film as both sides can't see each other. My big issue with the action is that it never peaks at the end - the final confrontation is really disappointing, and far too short for there to have been any real suspense. Still, it looked great. The soundtrack is fun and upbeat, and while the aliens themselves look ridiculous, their technology is insanely cool. You'll find the aliens doing a lot more destruction than the humans (surprise, surprise).



Battleship is so stupid. There's no intelligence at all here. It's all eye candy, and it delivers on that. The action in this film has its breathtaking moments. While it almost has nothing to do with board game - no one evers says "You suck my battleship!" - it does entertain, and if you're in the right mood, Battleship is a lot of fun. It's a seriously flawed film, and there's no way a sequel will be made, but if you're bored and you simply want to see shit blow up, look no further than Battleship.

The story of Battleship revolves around Alex Hopper (John Carter star Taylor Kitsch), a smart, capable, and totally reckless young man who is chaperoned by his older brother and guardian. And as usually happens in fantasy world of movies when the situation demands the best came out of reckless persons and make them a hero from zero.

Signed into navy and raising to the ranks for lieutenant, the carefree attitude continued till he got a chance to participate in Naval Exercises and all of sudden found himself in a leading role when the earth got attacked by Aliens from Planet G and the rest is the tale of his out of the skin performance in crisis much similar to the one in John Carter.

The movie has some amazing visual effects and the hi fi battle gadgets of aliens.