Anaconda Reviews

That said, Anaconda is not bad enough to be one of the worst movies ever made. The tropical scenery is splendid, the snakes are impressive and the premise while daft was at least interesting. However, if I were to coin the phrase "absolute poppycock" I would give it to Anaconda. The story was interesting in its concept but it is very predictable with some unbearably silly scenes. Anaconda is also quite poorly paced, sometimes it drags, sometimes it feels rushed. The script is very cheesy and clumsy, and the characters are shallow. The direction is rather murky, and the acting is pretty dire. Jennifer Lopez is very bland in her role here, while Jon Voight is annoying and just awful with a very poorly written character, complete with a horrendous accent(not quite Superbabies:Baby Geniuses 2 horrendous, but still it was dreadful). So overall, it is not good. 3/10 Bethany Cox

Before watching this, I had some rather low expectations but, at least, I thought it could be fun to watch. Unfortunately, I thought it was just pretty bad. I know, you're not supposed to take such a movie too seriously but still... It is just bad on every possible level (acting, directing, plot,...). It could have been something but, at the end, it is just worthless. Maybe if you are a fan of B movies, you may end up enjoying it more than I did but I wouldn't count on it. Eventually, more than 10 years later, I re-watched it with Nick, my step-son, because he loves all these monsters movies and I have to admit it, there were a few redeeming features. First of all, you would never get a cast like this for a B feature nowadays (Jennifer Lopez, Ice Cube, Jon Voight, Eric Stoltz, Owen Wilson, Danny Trejo) and the special effects were actually not as bad as I remembered. Still, the plot about Jon Voight highjacking the boat to hunt some giant snakes was utterly idiotic and unnecessary. Just build up a story about a rich guy who wants to hunt down some snakes hiring a crew with Jon Voight as a leader, that would have been already an improvement. To conclude, the whole thing is pretty lame and I don’t think it is really worth a look whatsoever.

"This film was supposed to be my big break, and it turned out to be a big disaster!" (This is actually a quote from the movie. Little did they know they were actually predicting the future)

Before I finally watched Anaconda I was decisively aware of the pasting and criticisms surrounding the production. I don't think I heard even one good thing about the movie. I sometimes enjoy seeking out simple reasonably short (80 or 90-minute) films I know will be crappy. And so equipped with warnings and bad reviews to boot I decided to finally watch it.

Anaconda is a campy, appalling B-Grade horror fest that is every bit as bad as I heard it was. From start to finish, the film is plagued by a dismal script loaded with stereotypical conventions, predictability and despicable characters. The visual effects look embarrassing, with an anaconda that moves like a flimsy animatronic and isn't in the least bit convincing. While watching this "thriller" (I use the term loosely) I was closer to tears of laughter as opposed to shock.

Anaconda follows a documentary crew that head out on the Amazon River to make a documentary concerning a mythical Indian civilisation. While heading upriver, they pick up poacher Paul Sarone (Voight, in his worst performance to date) who surreptitiously plans to use the boat + crew to hunt a large anaconda. As predicted, instead of the original plan the crew become snake bait as they are terrorised by a forty foot anaconda lurking beneath the water.

If you're going to take this film seriously, turn your arse around and go rent something else. Anaconda is seemingly played out for laughs, and if the filmmakers intended to make it serious...they missed the mark completely. The antics of the snake we see in the film are absurd. Every time the snake turns up, there are more factually impossible things that continue adding to the already massive pile of criticisms about the film. These factually impossible snake mannerisms include the thing refusing to die after being blown up, burnt and shot in the head (without a mere scratch, that is).

Performances are all dreadful; following the standard characters clichés (including the most despicable characters dying first, there's someone who wants to catch the snake instead of killing it, the big-breasted girl who's there for show, etc) not to mention the costume design is even dull!

But wait, there's more - each character could be outsmarted by a 5-year-old, the visual effects get worse as time goes on, the "scares" aren't even effective, there's no intensity, when the snake attacks things it made me laugh, the snake is "voiced" by an actor, and the film is almost painful to watch. I could go into so much detail but I think I've pretty much hammered the point convincingly.

At the end of the day, I am aware that Anaconda was meant to be a bit of fun. But...it's not. Instead we're treated to something that is so painfully appalling it couldn't pass as a home movie.