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Before I finally watched Anaconda I was decisively aware of the pasting and criticisms surrounding the production. I don't think I heard even one good thing about the movie. I sometimes enjoy seeking out simple reasonably short (80 or 90-minute) films I know will be crappy. And so equipped with warnings and bad reviews to boot I decided to finally watch it.
Anaconda is a campy, appalling B-Grade horror fest that is every bit as bad as I heard it was. From start to finish, the film is plagued by a dismal script loaded with stereotypical conventions, predictability and despicable characters. The visual effects look embarrassing, with an anaconda that moves like a flimsy animatronic and isn't in the least bit convincing. While watching this "thriller" (I use the term loosely) I was closer to tears of laughter as opposed to shock.
Anaconda follows a documentary crew that head out on the Amazon River to make a documentary concerning a mythical Indian civilisation. While heading upriver, they pick up poacher Paul Sarone (Voight, in his worst performance to date) who surreptitiously plans to use the boat + crew to hunt a large anaconda. As predicted, instead of the original plan the crew become snake bait as they are terrorised by a forty foot anaconda lurking beneath the water.
If you're going to take this film seriously, turn your arse around and go rent something else. Anaconda is seemingly played out for laughs, and if the filmmakers intended to make it serious...they missed the mark completely. The antics of the snake we see in the film are absurd. Every time the snake turns up, there are more factually impossible things that continue adding to the already massive pile of criticisms about the film. These factually impossible snake mannerisms include the thing refusing to die after being blown up, burnt and shot in the head (without a mere scratch, that is).
Performances are all dreadful; following the standard characters clichés (including the most despicable characters dying first, there's someone who wants to catch the snake instead of killing it, the big-breasted girl who's there for show, etc) not to mention the costume design is even dull!
But wait, there's more - each character could be outsmarted by a 5-year-old, the visual effects get worse as time goes on, the "scares" aren't even effective, there's no intensity, when the snake attacks things it made me laugh, the snake is "voiced" by an actor, and the film is almost painful to watch. I could go into so much detail but I think I've pretty much hammered the point convincingly.
At the end of the day, I am aware that Anaconda was meant to be a bit of fun. But...it's not. Instead we're treated to something that is so painfully appalling it couldn't pass as a home movie.
2/10
