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It is possible to amass a star-studded ensemble cast and pull off a great movie. Richard Curtis did it back in 2003 with Love Actually, for instance. Alas, 2010's Valentine's Day will most likely be remembered as one of the worst ensemble films in history. The strengths of Love Actually - telling interesting stories and generating appealing characters despite limited screen-time - are completely absent in the case of Valentine's Day, which feels more like a useless parade of famous faces than a motion picture. Essentially the Americanised version of Love Actually, Valentine's Day suffers from too many cooks in the kitchen, producing not a prime, hot chef's stew but a cold dish of mixed mash. Exceedingly mechanical and woefully uninspired, Valentine's Day does not contain a single truly romantic moment in its gruelling 120-minute runtime. After watching the movie, you won't be left with the sense that you enjoyed it...you'll be left feeling like you survived it.
In a nutshell, Valentine's Day is a collection of vignettes and short stories connected by a common place (Los Angeles) and a date (February 14). Some of the characters know each other or are connected in some way, paths occasionally intersect, and some stories cross. The closest thing the film has to a main character is a florist named Reed (Kutcher), who wakes up on Valentine's Day and proposes to his girlfriend (Alba) before spending the day bantering with his assistant (Lopez). Reed's best friend is a school teacher (Garner) who is dating a doctor (Dempsey) but is unaware that he's actually married. Also in the film is a man (Cooper) who bonds with a returning U.S. Army Captain (Roberts) over a long plane trip. And there's Liz (Hathaway), who's a phone sex worker in a new relationship... Wait, are you still reading? Do you care? Writing anymore about the "story" would be a waste of my time.
Nobody will mistake this dreck for a Robert Altman or a Paul Haggis flick, that's for sure. At the helm of Valentine's Day is Garry Marshall, who previously directed Pretty Woman but went on to direct more recent movies such as Raising Helen and Georgia Rule. Clearly, Marshall likes romantic fluff, and this would be okay if only he was able to generate charm or an emotional component. In this case, all of the characters are one-dimensional, and are composed of whatever character traits that are needed to propel their hackneyed subplots. There's no-one to relate to, leading to a creeping sense of boredom. The main crime perpetrated by the film is that the stories are far too superficial. As presented here, each of the vignettes are full-length films in themselves that are cut down to a few key scenes. It's possible to keep tabs on the characters, but impossible to care about them. The film simply snaps from one couple to the next, with no crackle or pop. Worse, a lot of the problems the characters are facing could be fixed with one sensible conversation.
Stale, cheesy and schmaltzy, Valentine's Day is a romantic comedy that's tediously low on authentic emotional and comedic elements. No ambition is present in director Marshall's work; no drama to pull on the heartstrings, barely any humour to keep us entertained, and no relationships that go beyond obvious or one-dimensional. See, the film deals with infidelity and broken hearts, but all of the exploration is surface-level stuff, with the characters falling prey to loathsome stereotypes. Seldom have so many likeable performers been so inherently unlikeable, too. Marshall evidently tried to spice up the movie with travelogue cinematography and a few pop songs, but it's hard to care about the characters when most of them act like irredeemable idiots. There are a few moments which shine, and some comedy worth smiling at, but this is hardly enough to make up for two hours of painful banality.
It's tough to either complain about or praise the acting, since not many of the stars have enough screen-time to make an impression, be it positive or negative. One of the only possible exceptions is Ashton Kutcher, who at least appears dedicated to the material. Jennifer Garner also impresses, while other actors like Jessica Alba, Kathy Bates, Jessica Biel, Bradley Cooper, Eric Dane, Patrick Dempsey, Hector Elizondo, Jamie Foxx, Topher Grace, Queen Latifah and Julia Roberts carried out their duties well enough. On the other hand, the two Taylors of the cast - Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner - are unbelievably atrocious. Even though she was playing an airheaded bimbo, Swift delivered a performance that the Razzie committee will remember for years to come. Only Anne Hathaway manages to redeem the movie in some capacity, as her phone sex calls are at times laugh-out-loud funny.
With the right handling, Valentine's Day could have been the cinematic be-all-and-end-all for hopeless romantics across the world. Instead, the film is a bland, tedious, by-the-numbers Hollywood invention. It's unable to rise above a turgid crawl, and completely lacks a spark of sweetness or charm. If you wish to see a bunch of famous people falling in love, watch Love Actually. Unlike Valentine's Day, Richard Curtis' British rom-com does not just talk about hearts; it has one.
3.2/10
