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To say that Van Helsing is an over-bloated CGI-heavy brain-dead popcorn movie is an understatement. A talented cast is completely wasted, obviously phoning it in for paychecks and playing second fiddle to CGI that is rubbery, cheap and been bettered by made-for-TV movies. Too much, too long and too dumb for its own good, Van Helsing aims to be a crowd-pleaser, but plays out like a monster-movie fantasia inside of a thirteen-year-old boy's brain. Except a thirteen-year-old could actually cook up something more entertaining.
The "plot" (as if such a thing existed in this thing) concerns a mash-up of several different monster movie classics. There's three different werewolves (the last of which has to be one of the dumbest plot reveals in history), Frankenstein's monster (oh, now I know how the script was written!), Dracula and his brides, a band of mysterious Catholic monster killers and some Transylvanians who are there to kill Dracula (or something like that). There's even a cameo from a ridiculously huge Mr. Hyde. Imagine the Ang Lee Hulk, but flesh toned and in Victorian garb and you're in the ballpark. What, no room for the Mummy and the Creature from the Black Lagoon? With so many characters to try and balance in the script the writers decided to jettison anything cumbersome like plot and character development or multidimensional personalities. The actors can try all they want, but they're left spinning their wheels in the mud, so to speak.
And let us discuss the poor actors! Hugh Jackman, so leading-man handsome that it's faintly idiotic, is given nothing to work with but a 'mysterious' backstory and some nifty gadgets. Kate Beckinsale unleashes what has to be the world's worst Transylvanian accent in quite some time, and Richard Roxburgh mistakes a hammy glower for an emotion as Dracula. Will Kemp, model-cum-actor, is given nothing to do but appear shirtless and oiled up. Not necessarily a bad thing, but it's a waste of a character.
While there might be some kill set pieces (the brides attack on the village) and character designs (again, the brides - although how they manage to change from nude beasts to wearing flowing fabrics is anyone's guess) and some nicely stark color palettes, there's not much of any real interest here. By the time the film ended I was both completely annoyed, amazed at how stupid it had all been and almost giddily laughing from the camp that is vampire babies bursting from large eggs hanging from a ceiling. Van Helsing probably works best as camp. Or a movie that is rife for a drinking game to be attached to it. All I know is that it was bombastic popcorn filmmaking at its worst.
