I did hear about the Morgans...unfortunately...

Did you hear about the mind-numbingly predictable, painfully unoriginal rom-com that's rooted in formula and blander than a rice cake? It's entitled Did You Hear About the Morgans?, and it's one of the worst movies to disgrace multiplexes throughout 2009. Rarely are contemporary romantic comedies anything other than awful, as the genre lost its freshness a long time ago. Sure, a decent romantic comedy comes along every so often (2009's (500) Days of Summer is the most notable of recent years), but modern rom-coms are usually just another application of a recycled structure. A quality rom-com has heart, warmth, laughs, sexiness, witty banter, and, most importantly, chemistry between the two leads, but Did You Hear About the Morgans? fails at all of these constituents.

As these things go in Hollywood, Paul Morgan (Grant) is desperate to win back his wife Meryl (Parker) whom he is separated from. With divorce looming on the horizon, Paul is sending her gifts and calling her often, but Meryl has moved on. After a great deal of convincing, Meryl at long last agrees to have dinner with Paul to discuss past infidelities and a brighter future. Their evening, however, is cut short when the pair witnesses a murder. Quicker than you can say "fish out of water", Paul and Meryl are placed in the Witness Protection Program and are whisked off to the small town of Ray, Wyoming under the care of federal marshals Clay (Elliott) and Emma (Steenburgen). A disproportionate lack of hilarity ensues as Paul and Meryl work to repair the rift in their relationship. But by the time Paul and Meryl fall back in love, we stopped caring a long time ago. Nothing at all throughout the movie can convince us we're dealing with believable characters or authentic emotions. I was rooting for the villain.

The main problem with Did You Hear About the Morgans? is the painful fact that writer-director Marc Lawrence (Music & Lyrics) never once attempted to construct something clever or creative; rarely has a filmmaker been so content to simply recycle the same well-worn plot developments. The basic premise, after all, is about big city folks becoming accustomed to the slow pace of the Wyoming countryside. Oh yeah, and Clay & Emma fix a huge plate of pork products for breakfast every morning. Writer-director Lawrence is also unforgivably clumsy in presenting the roadmap of the movie, with developments in the second act predictably setting something up for the third act. For instance, Meryl learns how to shoot a gun. Gee, do you think that will be necessary when the bad guy comes knocking? There's absolutely no suspense at all, because from the beginning it's clear nothing bad can happen to anyone.

At the centre of Did You Hear About the Morgans? is a collection of terribly flat, one-dimensional characters who are hardly more than amalgamations of various stereotypes. Hugh Grant and Sarah Jessica Parker have not done anything worthwhile in years, and nothing in this film suggests this pair is capable of anything other than their usual tired shtick. In Grant's case, he simply plays the stammering, befuddled Englishman, and for Parker it's the materialistic, professional New Yorker whose romantic woes prevent her from feeling complete. Seriously, when was the last time either of these actors challenged themselves?! This aside, another serious problem is that Hugh Grant and Sarah Jessica Parker lack any form of chemistry. There's nothing between them. No pop or sizzle. The characters say they love one another, yet they feel like actors saying lines without any sense of affection. Heck, there's not even any passion when they fight. The stars look absolutely uninterested as well, with Grant in particular feeling forced and unfocused... He's insufferable. Sam Elliott and Mary Steenburgen are the only true strengths of the movie - both of them carried out their roles with suitable conviction and comic energy.

As plot hiccups continue to arise, Did You Hear About the Morgans? gradually disintegrates into an agonising brew of stilted humour and feeble romance that will linger as one of 2009's lowest points. It's a familiar story full of stock characters, regional stereotypes and generic situations, and it's told without any gusto and energy. So, to answer the title question, yes I did hear about the Morgans, and frankly I wish I had been spared of the excruciating experience.

2.1/10