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Alexander, the King of Macedonia and one of the greatest military leaders in the history of warfare, conquers much of the known world.
Colin Farrell: Alexander
Everyone may remember Colin Farrell taking a moment to urinate upon a religious tree in Jerusalem. It comes to mind generally because Olive Stone, director of Alexander happens to create controversy by effectively taking his own urination session upon History.
Irish accents, shifty wigs, and a perception of Macedonia that would make a grown man cry like a baby.
Who may you ask is to play Alexander the Great? Oliver Stone seems to shock audiences by choosing the ill-cast Colin Farrell into a role he cannot hope to conquer.
Alexander ironically has the likes of talented Angelina Jolie, Val Kilmer, Anthony Hopkins, Jared Leto, Rosario Dawson and even Jonathan Rhys Meyers. Yet Oliver Stone manages to turn the epic into a abysmal waste of celluloid thus creating a travesty and in essence an Irish sounding mockery of History.
Angelina Jolie speaks similar to a Romanian Gypsy with chaotic tones to her lines, while actually asking audiences to believe she is Alexander's Mother Olympias, when in fact she looks more like a sibling sister.
Val Kilmer fails to portray King Philip as anything more than a over weight slob, Anthony Hopkins hobbles around narrating the story in the future while oozing self pretentious offal.
As for the homosexual relationship between Leto's Hephaistion and Alexander, what more can audiences ask for to make them uncomfortable? Oh yes, don't forget that blonde gay wig that Farrell wears. I'm still squirming and writhing in pain doth the agony inflicted upon the very eyes.
In its defence Alexander does indeed feature battle sequences and aerial shots that defy expectations and the appalling dramatics. It also features a couple of cameos that shine a light upon a greatness that could of been; Brian Blessed pops up as a Wrestling trainer and Christopher Plummer makes an appearance as Aristotle.
A sex scene prominently is used half way between Farrell and the newly famed Rosario Dawson, which in turn, wakes one up as the film flags. This is the scene to watch and indeed the pause button was invented primarily for such a joyous occasion. Unfortunately the joy is short-lived, the film's incessant jumping and flashbacks irritate and confuse spiralling audiences into madness and frustration.
I kept asking myself why? Then correspondently looking at my watch for the time, sweating, wondering if this film would be the death of me, before asking myself why again? Why has Oliver Stone made Alexander the Grape? A bisexual hippy whom believes in uniting Asia with Greece and Macedonia. Alexander was ahead of his time yes. But does Oliver Stone capture this fact with bad boy Farrell? The answer is a solid no.
Ultimately, Alexander ironically is a showcase for Persian art, Babylon, and showing off beautiful exotic Asian locations, it could be quite possible to watch the entire film muted. In fact Vangelis whom did the music probably are the victors here, the one constant Oliver Stone does not tarnish with his inadequate film-making sinisterness.
A small decision to watch the 1958 Alexander the Great by Robert Rossen may be a better alternative, or better yet, a Documentary on the History Channel. Books, pictures and films done correctly can tell the story of Alexander, unfortunately Oliver Stone failed and as a consequence wasted time, film, and an ineffective selection for a cast. It had a great assemble, yes, but the right choices? No. Fortune does not favour Mr Stone.
''I've lived... I've lived long life, Cadmos, but the glory and the memory of men will always belong to the ones who follow their great visions. The greatest of these is the one they now call Megas Alexandros. The greatest of them all.''
5/10
