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Someone had better get in touch with Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson and Vin Diesel, because Jackie Chan is stealing their work!
2010's The Spy Next Door denotes the latest attempt by a hardcore action star to launch a new sub-career by performing in dumbed-down family films. Not unlike other fluff pieces starring tough guys, Chan's PG-rated flick is a by-the-numbers slog comprised of unfunny scenarios and merely passable action. Any way you cut it, The Spy Next Door is a fucking awful film. Whether you view it strictly as a critic or try to see it through the eyes of a little kid with no concern about the quality of cinema, this flick is a total dud. It's not funny, charming or particularly exciting, and it certainly is not well-made. Directed by Brian Levant (also responsible for Jingle All the Way, Are We There Yet? and Snow Dogs), this is a hackneyed, mindless waste of time and money.
Luckily, The Spy Next Door opens with terrific footage of Chan's past hits. Watching all that great stunt work and comic mugging of yesteryear reminds us of why we love the guy. Unfortunately, the movie begins proper after that, with Chan tossed haphazardly into the sort of comedy where a family has a pet pig. Chan plays Bob Ho; an undercover secret agent on loan to the Americans from the Chinese government. During his assignment of chasing down a nefarious Russian, Bob falls for the single mother living next door, Gillian (Valletta). But before marriage plans can be considered between the two, Bob has to earn the respect of Gillian's three children: a precocious boy (Shadley), a sweet little girl (Foley), and an attitude-heavy teen (Carroll). Bob soon captures the Russian bad guy and retires just as Gillian has to leave town on a medical emergency, leaving Bob to babysit the three kids. The Russian escapes from prison, of course, and he's out to get Bob and execute his plans to manipulate the world's oil supply.
Yes, it's a standard set-up not unlike other family movies (it's very reminiscent of The Pacifier, to name one). Yes, sweet moments are incorporated as each kid warms up to Bob. Yes, Bob's martial arts skills and spy gadgets prove beneficial. If you didn't predict these things, you desperately need to see more films. The Spy Next Door represents the tough-guy-as-a-nanny routine that's been amended especially for Chan's special skills, with notoriously robotic family filmmaker Brian Levant overseeing the silliness. Levant's direction is as predictable as the film itself. As forced family films go, The Spy Next Door is painful, and it embodies everything that's wrong about what studios believe to be good, clean, wholesome entertainment.
The Spy Next Door does manage to provide the trademark wide-enhanced action choreography that Chan is renowned for. Now in his '50s, the actor is unable to pull off the same gravity-defying wizardry as he once could, but Chan does engage in agreeable mayhem when the moment calls for it. Once the action does arrive, The Spy Next Door thankfully livens up, but only slightly. Problem is, 70% of the movie is devoted to either unfunny comedy or forced, cloying sentiment, which limits the dynamic action. Another problem is the tone which keeps the film safe for children, but less invigorating for Chan purists or, God help them, parents forced into enduring the film with their kids. This, combined with the predictable narrative beats and the perpetually unsuccessful comedy, renders the experience almost unwatchable.
Jackie Chan is, logically, the force of the movie, but the star's performance is visibly phoned-in. His broken English doesn't help matters. Whereas in the Rush Hour films, Chan's broken English and confused delivery factor into the comedy, The Spy Next Door expects viewers to believe that this awkward secret agent - who's barely able to utter an intelligible sentence - can maintain a loving relationship with an attractive American mother. Alas, Chan never exhibits sufficient acting range to make any of the character's relationships believable. Interestingly, the customary gag reel at the end features less "stunts gone bad" and more "Jackie messes up his line". Thankfully, Amber Valletta is tolerable as Gillian, while the kids - Madeline Carroll, Will Shadley and Alina Foley - are all passable. Carroll in particular handles the dreadful material like a champ.
While we can begrudgingly credit Levant and the writers for avoiding bodily function humour that seems to soil PG family flicks, this is faint praise. Pretty much everything else is awful. The tots might - keyword might - enjoy the Daddy Day Care-style mayhem, but even that stuff is in short supply. There is an ample supply of is sugar, however - there's enough of it to cover the next few Christmases. For crying out loud, the film contains lines such as "I want Bob to be my daddy". Rest assured the film won't give the kiddies nightmares, but parents will be longing for a double or triple-feature of Chan's greatest hits after they endure it. If you're still reading this review, you've spent more time mulling over The Spy Next Door than the filmmakers did - and more time than it deserves. (I spent so much time reviewing it for the sake of the hobby, and to warn you. I did not enjoy thinking about it for so long.)
2.8/10
