50 cheap

can't imagine i'll watch all of these so heres the ones i have:

"barely legal lesbian vampires" awful in every respect. barely legal in porn refers to young women pretending to be younger than they are. don't even think you'll get that here. there's no attempt made to act here and all but 2, maybe 3, of the people in this are in their 30's...40's...and beyond. the whole thing starts by a rather confusing old man giving his best halloween-psuedo-new-orleans-graveyard tour talking about the film your about to see...and channeling ed wood. ed wood would be disappointing by the poor quality of this sort've film. he clearly is the director or something...who cares... the plot...forget it...the most low rent porn is more complicated and better written. two fake lesbians have a fake makeout session...as awkward as can be...and one gets 'dumped'. a vampire takes her in as her new 'pretty one'...to her "castle" (probably a church somewhere in new jersey with enough trees obscuring the view of the parking lot)...other stuff happens like a long bondage scene complete with spanking (the least awkward moment in the entire film). some odd onlookers who act like they're getting off seeing this stuff...the acting is more like a lobotomized gene simmons impression. there is nothing sexy about any of this. the youngest actors are the best looking but barely in the film. the main actors (its a far stretch to call them that) are old...which is fine but they're ugly as hell. but there's little point to that even....this is like your uncle trying to make a porn movie but no one wanted to do it so instead they goofed around with the camera. when they do 'make out' its so impossibly awkward that its unappealing. if you think this is going to make you horny let me attest to the fact that this will do the exact opposite. this may titillate prepubescent boys who have never seen breasts but even they'd get more arousal outta a comic book than this. the most amazing thing about this film is that they manage to fill an hour and a half with nothing. oh i'm forgetting "muffy the vampire slayer" and her surprise ending....who cares. lets grade this an "F-...kill me now please!"


"driller killer" reeks of 70's new york art scene in every way. its an ugly film with awful music. i guess the beginning screen before the title exclaiming "this movie should be played loud" may be true....the louder you play it the less you'll hear it. it'll simply be noise and that probably suits the film. the plot if you discount the random stuff that happens all over...is about an painter who is trying to finish his master piece and supposedly going insane doing it. hard to follow how he goes insane...like much of the movie its pretty randoms. there's some allusion to him hearing voices from his other paintings. there's also some notion about an band (awful velvet underground wannabe incompetent slop) that rents a room by them and is driving him (and us) nuts with their non-stop racket. but the most important moment is a commercial they watch on tv about a belt battery pack product called "proto-pak". reno, the artist, gets the idea from this to use a drill to kill bums. what?! he murders a few randomly about 2/3rds the way through the movie. eventually finishes his painting and his gallery dealer tells him its "technical" crap and then reno proceeds to kill everyone around him...not just bums. the whole movie is about the real world rejecting the passionate artist...usually a telltale sign of an incompetent artist whining. sadly this film is directed by the main actor and what we then get to see is how much of a failure he is. frankly i've seen worse. theirs a lot going wrong with this film...not the least of which is its pretentious art house "too-cool-to-bother-to-make-sense" attitude and its anti-establishment "do-everything-bad-because-its-cool" which just reeks of talentless hacks pretending. but then there is a story, it does manage to move forward, it has a sort've cult charm, and there is some nice gore. unfortunately theres no likable people in the film...the problem with the pretentiousness is we don't care...and so what could be watchable falls flat. a tiny bit of shock value for random violence, a tiny bit of cult value for its 70's flavor and once banned status, but not much of a winner here. (grade = "C-")