Male Pride

(10 minutes) Wow, I was expecting this to be a boy movie, right—like a movie about boy books, many lols—but WOW, this is…. Phew. I mean, my premise to start watching was: maybe I went hard on “Napoleon Dynamite”, right: I watched so many “important” movies, in that time…. Mostly, I read books: but I try not to join the academicist assault squads, you know: roving over the face of the post-apocalyptic, post-elite world, right…. But I mean: swear to God, this is no better than “The Croods”, right—just that Croods was a male-centric woman’s film, right~it sounds weird and impossible because, it should be…. But, it’s definitely a thing, right…. And this is like a boy-nerd pride, book, right…. It’s not like, a ~real~ story, right…. It’s like, a movie…. It’s a movie that’s like a movie, right. It’s not a movie that’s like, reality, you know…. 

Like, this is what nerd-pride male-pride boys, ~delude~ themselves into ~thinking~ that they believe the world is, right, (smirks), what kind of a agit-prop, domestic beat specialist would you have to be, to REALLY believe, right…. 

Wow…. 

(20 minutes in) Wow…. No…. Yeah, no. 

I mean, I guess it’s supposed to be ironic, but…. I mean, “Napoleon Dynamite” was actually better than this. I thought that after ND, they had hit rock-bottom, and were going to experiment with some likable characters, right…. 

Males are just not okay, really…. I feel like, after watching this, some male is going to decide to stop bathing and start addressing the Mexican maid in Latin—“it’s practically the same language!”—and refer back to ~”Gentlemen Broncos”~ as his “justification”, that he’s “not really that bad”, right…. 

This actually sinks below the standard-bad movie level, this is like…. I don’t watch ~THAT~ many movies, but I don’t know if I’ve watched a movie that I was this averse to like this, in this period of my life, that didn’t have some sort of race issue—an explicit one, you know, where a POC person was being obviously replaced or perceptively slighted, you know: almost all movies have like race in the Anglo-centric way…. But yeah this is like, almost as bad, in its way: it’s like male pride—and it’s notably more extreme than “Napoleon” as far as that goes, right….

(30 min) I’m sorry, but something has to be done about men making movies. This is unwatchable, you know…. 

I’m speechless. 

…. It’s like Napoleon Dynamite the porn movie, right…. Like, what kind of porn would it BE, even, right….? I’m not sure I want to know…. 

If the hurricane doesn’t stop me from making it to the library tomorrow, I’m seriously thinking of taking a break from this for my next sitting of a movie, right…. 

…. And it’s not really a parody of maleness, in any meaningful way, right: because the woman characters are frightfully distorted, right: they’re the sort of girl-children a man would give birth to, right; they’re not the sort that a woman would give birth to…. 

A more accurate characterization than “parody”, would be the, admittedly longer phrase: “look at what I can get away with”, you know: with the ‘I’ being…. The master of the servants of men, right…. 

…. (the next time) But yeah: through a ~strange~ sequence of events, I didn’t make it to the library at all yesterday, which is just as well, because I didn’t start another movie…. But yeah: it’s always better for me when your expectations aren’t irresponsibly toyed with, right: I really do think it’s better to take movies in stages…. Man, if they were really the brave-male-chauve-art-pornographers they present themselves as, right, they’d put a testicle or two on the cover, no…. (rolls eyes) So much for wholesome, yet independent and brave, right: literally none of those three things are true, right?…. 

But if you know what it is: it’s fine, right…. 

…. (45 minutes) This isn’t just Not Okay: it’s, Double Plus, Not Okay…. 

(rolls eyes) If not for its very disgustingly trivial nature: it would probably make me angry, right…. 

…. (1 hr) Wow, this is really painful, to watch. Modestly painful, at least. 

It’s like: we’ve created a wimpy white boy victim, who’s made to suffer/is martyred, right—“I’m a weak wimpy white boy victim! The whole system is rigged against me: it’s the greatest secret of modern times~the ideas of weak wimpy white boys!”—without actually ever experiencing a ~genuine sense of vulnerability~, right. 

Like: I’m supposed to believe he’s numb/detached, yet also being burned at the stake as a witch, and screaming out in pain because he’s being martyred in the Crusades, right? 

It’s like…. What, you don’t think I’m intelligent? You think I’ll buy whatever you’re selling…. Just, because? Yeah, I love you too…. Jerk. 

(shakes head in disbelief) Double plus not okay: totes. 

…. (coming back at 1hr, ready to finish off this monstrosity) 

It’s funny how, if you asked Jared Hess or whoever, right—should physical attractiveness matter: it’s be like, No, that’s why we made this movie: to stick the system in the eye for making life hard on intellectually superior white males who don’t brush their teeth or comb their hair, right. ~It’s like: So that’s why you made the unsympathetic Indian guy who hangs out with the white girl you want but feel ambivalent about, right: so repellent with the weird-fake smile and the weird-fake personal demeanor; and you’re supposed to like the wimpy white boy victim who’s a passenger in life, right: he’s a little bit cool compared to the Indian kid, who’s like…. Recovering from an illness, or something; maybe he had the flu: like, he’s smiling to get out of the hospital, right…. Right? You’re setting the wimp up with that, so that he looks like the Denzel Washington we can actually approve of, right: the honest, likable, cool kid, right? 

—I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t even like movies; I just did shit at random to spite the elites. 

—No agenda? 

—(awkward beat) Nope…. 

Ironically, or else predictably, I don’t know: but white male-woman of color romance is depicted as favorably as these freaks can pull it off, right, in “Napoleon Dynamite”, right: but stealing the white girl (that I don’t even want!), from me: that’s a big no no, you damn (slew of British Empire-era racial epithets)…. 

Yeah…. Hollywood is changing though. Not necessarily getting better, right: but it’s definitely…. Different, somehow…. I mean, the style is different, right. The means…. 

(1 hr 15 min) I mean, I realize that it’s about wimpy white boys—who secretly want to…. Yeah, I don’t know how…. I mean: legally, we’re looking at…. But yeah—it’s about wimpy white boys who feel sorry for themselves, and how the world revolves around their little kingdoms of delusion, right…. But, I don’t get it. It’s not like, “respectable” propaganda, right: where you can easily watch it and be like—well, of course the B.S. agit-prop line of “reasoning” I’m being sold is, XYZ, right: but this, it’s like…. What lie am I being asked to believe, right? That’s it’s not even faintly true, in any way or mode of expression, is “water is wet” obvious, right…. (crazy hands) But what am I being asked to like about this kid?…. What am I supposed to be feeling or thinking, if I ~wanted~ to go along with it, right?…. 

What am I looking at? Right? wtf…. 

(movie over) Two thoughts: 

“All you did was change the character names, and make Bronco a tranny!” 

No commentary necessary…. I hope. 

And: 

Unwritten rule: None of the woman characters can be as physically attractive as the hero—with one, possible, exception…. But I don’t need her. 

I have my mom. She sucks, but…. She’s devoted to me, right: so I forgive her for being a woman, right. 

Out of the kindness of my galactic heart, no?…. 

…. (scene after the credits, omfg) 

(turns to the girl he’s seeing the movie with) Now have sex with me. 

…. (trying to respond to this) Can men sue other men, for like, slander of like…. You know, mis-representation, right…. 

I feel mis-represented. I really do. Like, eff, this guy, right. Eff Jared Hess, you know. 

I can’t even start with this guy.