Review of Catwoman

You know how audiences dismiss DC’s Extended Universe movies? Well, these kids have never seen arguably the most miraculously terrible and disappointing waste of opportunity that is Catwoman, an origin story which was supposed to be for the DC villain like what Joker did far better fifteen years later. However, this one features Patience Phillips (Halle Berry), a cosmetology graphics designer who gets killed in the sewers, brought back to life by cats, and discovers her new identity as Catwoman. However, the owners George and Laurel Hedare (Lambert Wilson and Sharon Stone), who discover Patience still alive, want to wipe her out from existence once again, label her as the villain, and launch their makeup that hardens skin. Unlike Joker where his progression toward evil, violence, and anarchy deemed believable, Catwoman’s villainous motives aren’t at all clear as throughout the film she utters insufferable cat puns, does all sorts of obvious cat-like behavior (i.e. eating canned tuna, sniffing catnip, making purring sounds, and landing on her feet), and dates the oblivious cop Tom Lone (Benjamin Bratt). Speaking of, how can this guy not figure out that Patience is also the sexy feline heroine, even though her cursive handwritings, cat-like antics, and lipstick matches are so laughably obvious? Furthermore, the movie tries too hard to be visually diverse, using way too many composite shots, ugly motion capture movements, nauseating jump cuts, and glossy metal and brass tones. With Pitof’s overabundance of style-over-substance nuance, the movie seems more like playing a Playstation 2 video game featuring one of those cube-like humanoids with triangle breasts and skimpy slutty outfits. Even as a retcon origin story about one of DC’s best Batman villains, Catwoman is one heap of kitty litter worth scooping out and dumping in the bin.

(1 White Russian [no ice, hold the vodka, hold the Kahlua] out of 5)