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The undisputed masters of soft rock feel like a natural for so white bread a genre as holiday music, but there’s still something curiously devoid of pizzazz here. Nary a hint of darkness or an unexpected guitar solo like their greatest singles, Christmas Portrait is nearly oppressive in its demands of yuletide cheer and festive celebration. Milquestoast to a near fault, this is ammunition for the Carpenters reputation as a couple of squares.
Whereas other Christmas album sought to completely reinvigorate or change up the formula for these well-worn songs, the Carpenters play them as straight and predictable as a Hallmark movie. There are some magic moments, how could there not be with Karen’s enigmatic voice, but it all starts to feel a little too church-y after a bit. Not only do we get “Silent Night,” “Ave Maria,” “O Holy Night,” but a medley containing “The First Noel” and “Little Jesus.” Look, I love me some Christmas music, but the religious stuff is often so joyless and sterile that it zaps energy out of the proceedings.
Frankly, the general weirdness of them doing a selection of suites from The Nutcracker is the kind of nuttiness that the album needed more of. We needed less Norman Rockwell Americana and more of the bittersweet pop that made their legacy on songs like “Goodbye to Love” or “Superstar.” Christmas Portrait is saccharine and seemingly made to be pumped at full volume in a mall’s department store.
DOWNLOAD: “Merry Christmas, Darling,” “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas,” “Medley: Winter Wonderland/Silver Bells/White Christmas”
