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There are a lot of ways to describe the 1997 Project 2 Interactive/I.C.E. European-exclusive PSone title, Ark of Time, but "great" isn't one of them. I will say that the game is "good" but sort of in the sense of "so-bad-it's-good," which, depending on your taste, can be either bad or...well, good. Let's start with the basics:
At its core, Ark of Time is a 2D point-and-click puzzle game delivered in what amounts to a steaming shitmound of a plot. Clickpoints are scattered throughout the screens and you must collect, combine and use items in various exotic locales to progress up this shitmound. Nothing fancy. Nothing shmancy. The game is sort of like Broken Sword except without any of the charm, voice talent or value. You might say that Ark of Time is Broken Sword's ugly, slightly retarded little sister, who nobody really knows of because everyone's ashamed of her. Here's why.
Doesn't he look like Jean-Claude van Damme?
You are American jockhead sports writer Richard Kendall whose only mission in life is to love football and remain ignorant about everything else. Yet your slavedriver of an editor somehow sees past the glaze in your empty, doll-like eyes to something he mistakes for potential and decides to send you to the Caribbean to find a missing professor. This particular professor happened to be on a quest for Atlantis when things went terribly awry on his expedition. Now it's up to you and no one else to follow the cookie-crumb trail of clues and rescue the professor and his pixelated shemale assistant, Helen. So, right off the bat, the plot is boring and stupid. But it gets much, much better...
You see, even though your paper is in London, you, your editor and practically every white person in the game is (for some reason) supposed to be American. The problem? How do you say? Imagine a bunch of English guys trying their bestest to sound Jersey...it's an uncanny travesty against the human ear and frankly a slap in the face to guidos everywhere. In fairness, there are other ethnic groups that receive their customary slap in the face: Mejican, Arab, and of course Pirate. But the best performance is easily at the end when one man alone bravely acts the parts of three characters, including a woman. All in all, I think there were about 20 characters in the game but brilliantly only 3 voice "talents." (See the ending here on listal.)
As far as the puzzles are concerned, they were actually deece. They're harder than I was expecting but they're also very tedious, requiring you to fly Richard across the Atlantic to and fro to retrieve such rare and indispensable items as Empty Jar. But I've already mentioned that the premise of the game is inane. A handful of puzzles were so random that I had to resort to internet walkthroughs (gamefaqs.com) and cheap bourbon, with equally happy results. And even though I believe the game is a bit too long for its own good, don't worry; the ending is totally not worth it, especially since there's actually no time travel in this game despite its title.
In closing, if you could imagine such a thing as a "B" video game (as in "B" movies) then actually you are imagining a game that's better than Ark of Time. But as long as you don't take it seriously, Ark of Time is good for a laugh here and there as you make your way through a train wreck of dialog and impersonations performed mostly by one person. Certainly, you'll be laughing at it, not with it.
5/10
