Exhaustively stupid and joyless

A bit more than a year before Shark Night 3D's delayed release, 2010's gleefully enjoyable Piranha 3D swam its way into cinemas to surprising critical and commercial success. Piranha is a bad movie from a cynical perspective, but the filmmakers "got it," choosing to lather on the R-rated details (boobs, bikinis, gore, hot babes) with infectious joy and a devilish sense of humour. Unfortunately, Shark Night is not nearly as fun as its 3D fish-based predecessor. Neutered by its commercially viable PG-13 rating (though it flopped anyway), it strips away the pleasures commonly associated with B-grade monster movies, instead offering up lousy acting and bad dialogue without any R-rated compensation. Exhaustively stupid and joyless, Shark Night is a catastrophe in every conceivable way that is devastatingly short on shark thrills.

With exams coming to an end and a long weekend looming, a group of fit young students head to a secluded Louisiana vacation island home owned by the attractive Sara (Sara Paxton). Before they settle in, the group are suddenly attacked by an array of blood-thirsty sharks that have somehow made their way into the saltwater lake. Making matters worse, one of the teens loses his arm in an attack, leaving the group racing against the clock to get him back to civilisation for urgent medical assistance. As the night persists, it becomes clear that a pair of shady locals are looking to make big bucks by filming genuine shark attacks. See, as if the "young friends going to a cabin for the weekend" premise wasn't clichéd enough, Shark Night also apparently needs redneck villains. Adding human antagonists to the story is completely misguided.

Shark Night had tremendous potential to be a campy delight, especially with Snakes on a Plane and Final Destination 2director David R. Ellis at the helm. However, the docile rating, a selection of awful actors, and a genuinely terrible script spell doom for the production from the beginning. The script is credited to two individuals (Will Hayes and Jesse Studenberg), but it's baffling to consider that it took two people to write this soulless rubbish. Shark Night is monumentally stupid, with jumping sharks (and no explanation for the ability), wild tonal shifts, moronic plot developments and imbecilic characters. (After getting his arm bitten off, one character insists he must head into the water to kill the shark!) Predictably, the dialogue is dreadful, too, and the tone-deaf chatter is far too plentiful. See, the writers erroneously assume that we want to see these tired archetypes deal with their personal problems, but none of this drama is skilful enough to develop the characters beyond the clichéd shark bait that they truly are. Thus, instead of frequent shark carnage, we mostly get naff drama and tedious character interaction that is only made worse by inept actors, rendering Shark Night, for the most part, intolerable. Interestingly, Avatar star Joel David Moore is in the cast, meaning he has officially betrayed James Cameron by starring in precisely the type of 3D horror movie that the Avatar director abhors...

In the lead-up to its release, Shark Night's optimistic supporters claimed that a PG-13 rating was okay because Steven Spielberg's Jaws is PG. But nobody behind Shark Night can hold a candle to Spielberg in terms of tension and suspense - the film fails as a serious horror movie. To ensure the PG-13 rating, the picture is full of careless shark cam and jarringly abrupt editing, leaving the kill sequences unclear and unsatisfying. There is more blood here than expected, but blood tends to suddenly and awkwardly disappear. For instance, during the climax, a shark is blown apart in CGI fashion, after which the water is clear, and no gory particles are visible. It's not that extra gore, tits, and profanity would automatically make the film better, but there's nothing worse than seeing R-rated material uneasily (and unsatisfyingly) being cut down for the sake of extra box office. Ellis is not in sync with the material, evidently striving to make a "serious" thriller (and failing) while the premise screamed for him to lighten up and provide a fun ride. The movie is too goofy to be a serious horror movie, and it is not ridiculous enough to succeed as a guilty pleasure. It is stuck in a strange middle ground.

Ellis occasionally plays into the 3D gimmick, but the movie fails to take full advantage of the potential for a 3D shark attack movie. Furthermore, to make matters worse, the shark effects are dreadful. Deep Blue Sea was released 14 years before Shark Night, yet the inconsistent shark effects in Renny Harlin's fun-as-hell shark movie remain far more convincing than anything glimpsed in this cinematic turd. The animatronic sharks are barely seen in Shark Night, while their computer-generated counterparts look embarrassingly phoney. The movie does its highlights, particularly an amusing and preposterous scene depicting a jumping shark devouring someone on a jet ski, but these moments can be watched on YouTube without suffering through the rest of the tedious picture. Indeed, the lulls between the shark attacks grow increasingly intolerable with each passing minute.

Shark Night even commences by blatantly ripping off Spielberg's Jaws. The opening sequence features an attractive beach babe doing her best Susan Backlinie impression while director Ellis tries his hardest to emulate the decades-old classic's intense opener. There is even a boat skiing attack scene that's eerily similar to a set piece from Jaws 2. But if Spielberg's handling of Jaws was as inept as Ellis's efforts here, then Spielberg would not have developed into the iconic filmmaker he is now. There's no reason to waste your time on this vile picture. If you must watch it, though, stay through the credits for an admittedly hilarious music video. It's the only thing worth seeing in the entire production.

2.1/10