If only the Zohan hadn't messed with us!!!

Adam Sandler's excruciating, lethargic comedy routine stopped being funny around the beginning of his career. With You Don't Mess with the Zohan, Sandler and his usual partners in crime against cinema have actually managed to make a film more agonisingly unfunny than their appalling 2007 film I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry. Adding further insult to injury, the beloved super-producer Judd Apatow (he must have aggressive insomnia at the rate he produces movie) has defiled his (predominantly impressive) CV with this ghastly Adam Sandler vehicle. 2008 is the year for movies that are DOA. Mike Myers ruined his career with The Love Guru, Brendan Fraser embarrassed himself with The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, Will Smith relegated his career to cheap blockbusters with Hancock, and even the much-anticipated The Lost Boys sequel was doomed before its release. During the 110-minute running time of You Don't Mess with the Zohan there's plenty of time for you to focus your anger on everyone involved with the film as you won't be doing any laughing.

Zohan (Sandler) is an Israeli counterterrorist who excels at his profession. The film is marred lethally by the capabilities of Zohan: he's like Superman and is able to do all sorts of ludicrous things, from catching a bullet to swimming like a dolphin. He's the Chuck Norris jokes brought to life...yielding depressingly unfunny, lifeless results.
Anyway, the film mixes comedy with a global political issue; in this case the conflict between the Israelis and the Palestinians. Zohan is stuck in the middle of all this fighting and is the finest counterterrorist the Israelis have to offer. But he grows tired of this senseless conflict, and fakes his death in order to escape to America to achieve his dream...he wants to be a hairdresser. His initial dream of working for Paul Mitchell doesn't materialise, thus he settles for working at a small-time beauty salon threatened by a Trump-like real estate developer. Before you know it, Zohan increases the popularity of the beauty salon. He cuts hair sensually - ejaculating shampoo and acting sexually - before sexing old birds in the back room.

As with 2007's I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry, Sandler attempts to explore a serious political issue. In the case of You Don't Mess with the Zohan (as I said before) it's the conflict between the Israelis and the Palestinians. Why explore a sensitive issue in a light-weight, fluffy mainstream comedy? What does Sandler hope to achieve? The script plays it safe, ultimately exploiting this issue for a string of low-brow gags. Nothing subversive is present in the script, and it simply offers nothing more than a simplistic "can't we all get along?" message. There's also the matter of the obnoxious product placement. Whenever Zohan expresses his obsession with hummus the label is always conveniently facing the camera.

Offensive low-brow gags pervade the film. Like when Zohan and two mates play hackeysack with a live, screaming cat! Adam Sandler is too self-indulgent. He seems to be having an absolute ball, but we're certainly not having a good time. If we were examining a simple Sandler vehicle like Happy Gilmore, he does a few funny things but the film lasts about 90 minutes. In this case, the film runs about 110 minutes and it's devoid of anything genuinely funny. I chuckled, but what's missing are the meaty laugh-out-loud moments. The script frequently resorts to cultural stereotypes and ethnic humour for laughs. None of this even works! It's misfired gags united with offensive misfired gags and boring moments. At times the film even seems like a drama. This is undermined, however, by Zohan's complete inability to offend anyone no matter what he says to them. Sandler's Zohan is a garishly sketched melange of Ali G and Borat, however (despite a screenplay co-written by Sandler and Judd Apatow) he's such a jarringly two-dimensional creation. Sandler's accent is even more offensive. That he has to become a foreigner for laughs is a reflection on how desperate this talentless "comedian" has become. He tries to be of the standard of Borat, but he doesn't have the talent as a writer or as an actor to pull it off adequately. And then there's Sandler regular Rob Schneider as a Palestinian cab driver. Seriously, it's awful stuff!

You Don't Mess with the Zohan appears to lag too much as well. There's a dreadful, contrived romantic sub-plot tossed in for the sake of some romance. It's barely developed and too sudden; hence we seldom care about it. Zohan has been screwing woman ages 60 and above throughout the whole film, yet cringe-worthy true love intervenes. The sign of this "true love" warrants more groaning: Zohan can't get an erection unless he's talking to this girl. The film plays out like an action flick and as a comedy. But Zohan is too unrealistic and overplayed for this to be a serious action film. And there most certainly aren't adequate gags for this to be considered a comedy. It's in the line in between...and this is certainly not a favourable line to be sitting on. The film cooks up is 80s-ish action, trite blather and ceaseless scenes of Sandler making sexy with grannies in the salon run by Palestinian bombshell Dalia (Chriqui). That she lets him continually run amok before eventually falling in love with him is about as insolent as the jaw-droppingly excruciating attempts at comedy, such as dudes discussing which First Lady they'd tap or a montage mirroring Rocky during which cracked eggs reveal developed young chickens and a live cow hanging upside down is used as a punching bag.

If only the Zohan hadn't messed with us! I never thought it'd be possible, but Adam Sandler has made a movie more painful than I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry and has further demonstrated his ability to reinvent the term "unfunny comedy". One golden star for a few chuckles...and I have no idea why in hell I'm being that nice!

1.5/10