A new all-time low for Uwe Boll...

Uwe Boll's movies are bad. They are the god-awful creations of a hack director with a disgusting ego whose answer to criticism is to challenge his critics to a boxing match. Boll's movies have made me sick because they are an immoral waste of money, celluloid and time.

The first few minutes of Uwe Boll's Seed made me sick to my stomach. But it wasn't because of the bad filmmaking being offered...it's because in these opening few minutes Boll has inserted REAL FOOTAGE of ACTUAL ANIMAL TORTURE! He forces his audience to endure REAL FOOTAGE of animals being smacked on the ground until bones are broken, being skinned alive, or being trodden on by malevolent humans. Boll defends his decision with a disclaimer at the beginning of the film, claiming that he's making a statement about humanity. Somehow Boll's disillusioned brain thinks this is justification to use this repulsive footage. But this is a MOVIE Mr. Boll! This is MOVIE for ENTERTAINMENT! How is animal torture entertainment?! If we're speaking in terms of Schindler's List or war movies, the graphic violence is fake and therefore justified. In Sylvester Stallone's Rambo, a few minutes of real news footage depicting the atrocities in Burma was included at the beginning. But this doesn't show anything being killed! It shows the aftermath of battles very briefly. It also HAS RELEVANCE to the rest of the movie. Animal torture being shown to "make a statement about humanity" in a stupid, mindless horror gore-fest is totally unnecessary.

I never thought it'd be possible, but Uwe Boll has hit an all-time low. Not only does he make woeful movies, but now he prefaces them with real footage of animals being savagely tortured. And this is only the first 4 minutes...

Here's an interesting fact that adds insult to injury: Uwe Boll has pledged to donate 2.5% of the film's profits to charity to help animal rights groups. 2.5%!?!? That's all he could possibly spare?! Considering the director's reputation, I doubt the film will be very lucrative. I believe charity could be looking at about $10. If Uwe Boll deeply cared about animals like we've been led to believe he does, why not donate all the profits to charity? But no - the director's bank account is more precious than his morals.

The first few minutes of Seed are bad to the extreme. But what follows is so incredibly terrible that words fail me.

The plot (if one can possibly call it that) concerns a serial killer known as Seed (Sanderson). Over the course of six years, he's killed 666 people. (How's that for subtlety?) The police capture him (in one of the most bumbling, perplexing, clumsy and incompetent raids in cinematic history) and he's sentenced to execution. The electric chair, though, isn't up to the task. After two jolts of electricity, Seed is still alive. The prison staff are too scared to give him a third shock, fearing the evocation of state law that would set Seed free. So they bury him alive in a flimsy coffin, with his hands tied feebly (the way his hands are tied wouldn't even be able to restrain a dead man). They also bury him in a shallow grave. Oh, and they don't bother to make sure he dies. They just hope he won't escape. Guess what? Seed escapes his grave and wants to go kill some people. Oh joy!

Seed is 100% unbelievable. Every scene, scenario and character is so preposterous that it's impossible to believe a word of it. Boll wrote the script himself. The concept which had potential is wasted as the film disintegrates into utter silliness. For example, Seed claws himself out of his shallow grave, is able to swim off the island that imprisoned him (this island is like Alcatraz, i.e. impossible to escape via swimming), mysteriously gets the addresses of the cops that wronged him, and is strangely able to travel from A to B without people noticing him. This killer is bulky, well-built and always dons grubby clothing. How can one possibly miss him?! It's also interesting that the killer's victims never seem too fazed about being killed. They lay back and accept their death. And, typical for an Uwe Boll movie, the lack of research shows. While the cops raid a house supposedly inhabited by Seed they don't use their radios, they don't appear to yell for any help, they don't hold their pistols correctly, they don't move correctly, and they are never careful like cops are trained to be.

I have no idea why, but Uwe Boll decided to revive the dying genre of torture porn. Personally, I detest the torture porn flicks such as the awful Hostel movies. I'm also not a fan of the Saw series, which is gradually declining in quality. Seed is Boll's answer to the most legendary horror movies. Elements of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre are even incorporated. Heck, one scene is even inspired by Kill Bill! Here's the worst part: it never makes a lick of sense. The pacing is sluggish, the editing is choppy, and the structure is messy. Locations aren't even properly distinguished. As a result, I was confused and disorientated.
Another Uwe Boll tradition: cinematography is woeful. It's obvious the director tried to imbue the film with shaky cam resembling The Texas Chainsaw Massacre or something. But typically, Boll never has a sense of visual elegance. His shots are always disorganised and shaky.

Boll even damages the film's credibility very early into the film. The cops are hunting Seed. The unimportant cops of course get killed very easily. Seed uses stealth and clever tactics to kill them. Then it comes time to kill the hero. Naturally, the hero takes him down no sweat at all. Seed doesn't use any tactics when fighting the hero and is taken down within a single minute. Righto...

Uwe Boll filmed Seed back-to-back with Postal and boy is it obvious!! The acting is appalling. None of the actors are suitable for their respective roles. They're all wooden. For 90% of the movie it's as if they're sleep-walking and/or on autopilot. And of course, Boll focuses on his gore effects more than anything else. Boll once criticised Eli Roth and called him a retard for making the same shitty movies over and over again (Pfft. Like Boll can talk). Yet Boll is so disillusioned that he thinks Seed is somehow better than Hostel. It's worse!!! Seed is a mindless gore-fest featuring oodles of unrelenting, unnecessary gore. When Seed kills his victims, it doesn't even seem like there's a reason for him to be doing so. The timeline is so disorganised! However...I can't believe I'm going to say this...but the gore is actually done impressively. There are a few scenes that encompass some really realistic blood and gore. However, this compliment is easily undone as there is never a point for the gore to occur.

Too many things are going on in the film's 90-minute duration. We're supposed to care about the hero and his family situation, and somehow we're also supposed to case about Seed as well. But Seed has no depth, and the hero is a cardboard cut-out. The characters fall flat.
There's also a distinct lack of suspense and tension during the gory scenes. The cinematography isn't exciting, the actors look bored and the music isn't at all effective. Altogether, the film is just plain boring and ineffective. The only thing it effectively does is disturb. We watch footage of Seed letting a crying baby, a family dog and a young woman decay into bones. That's disturbing stuff. What's also disturbing is people invested time, money and effort into making this movie. After those cinematic travesties known as House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark, BloodRayne (and its sequel), In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale and many more, Uwe Boll is just digging a bigger grave for himself. When I watch a horror movie I want suspense and gore that works in an actual context. What I don't want is completely unnecessary real footage of animals getting skinned and their skulls crushes.

Seed is too unbelievable to make a statement about humanity (Boll's objective) and too disturbing to be entertaining. We're therefore left with this pile of shit. In a nutshell: Seed is absolutely fucking woeful!

0.6/10