What happened?!?!

Remember when Tim Burton reinvented Batman for the big screen? Remember how incredibly faithful, dark and extravagantly awesome that film was? Burton then made Batman Returns and that film was a stellar effort. Unfortunately, the reigns were then handed to director Joel Schumacher to carry the franchise. Batman Forever at least had some of the Batman charm, which is understandable because Burton stayed on as a producer. But when the time came for a fourth instalment in the Batman series, Burton had moved on to bigger and better projects. So when Batman & Robin entered production, already several more things were amiss. For starters, the studio were demanding something more cartoonish...a film that would justify tonnes of toys, meaning more money to feed their greedy souls.

And then of course, we have renowned bad actor Arnold Schwarzenegger receiving top billing as the villain of the film. It's understandable if someone like Jack Nicholson is billed first due to his reputation as an amazing actor...but come on! Why would you seriously want to enthusiastically flaunt someone like Schwarzenegger as your film's primary acting talent? WHY?! And then there's the factor regarding the actors. George Clooney had been selected as the new Batman. Seriously? Okay...already the film sounds disastrous and it's truly a reflection of the disaster that was to follow. Batman & Robin reduces the franchise to the level of camp exhibited in the 60s TV series with Adam West. Except even that is an insult to Adam West! As a 6-year-old I remember giving this film a thumbs up. Kids may find something of value here. On the other hand, if you're pushing 9-10 and beyond...be afraid! Be very afraid. Before I get started with everything wrong with this movie, beware that this review will be tiresomely lengthy. I guess one must give kudos to the production team for a film potentially bad enough to warrant the longest review ever written.

I defy you to find a single positive review for this movie. They don't exist! Audiences have voted this as the worst comic book film of all time! And that's even with Howard the Duck in consideration! Batman & Robin is loud, dumb, and an embarrassment to the entire franchise. It even shames the medium of film just because it's preserved on it! Here's the thing: the film has absolutely no plot to it. Instead it's a string of incoherent, glamorous action scenes that usually don't make any sense at all.

The opening sequence is enough to set this up. First we're shown the Warner Bros. logo...all frozen in ice. Already, we know that trouble is to follow. Then we move to the opening titles that are loud and colourful. That's a simple sign that the movie to follow will be nothing superior to those standards. Then after the credits, we're shown a montage of Batman (Clooney) and Robin (O'Donnell) suiting up. We get pointless extreme close-ups of different body parts being covered in armour. The first thing that will stick out is the nipples on the Batsuit! NIPPLES?! Are you serious?! But the worse has yet to follow: a completely out-of-place, futile few shots depicting both of their rear ends being covered in armour! Oh, but wait, then following scene gets better. The first few line deliveries are enough to make you puke! As the Batmobile enters the frame, Robin eagerly remarks "I want a car!" before saying "Chicks dig the car". Do I really need to point out everything that's wrong with those few lines of dialogue? Then things get even better...Batman ever so embarrassingly remarks "This is why Superman works alone". Oh my God! And we're not even 5 minutes into the movie!!

Already we've established that the film's internal logic has been defied, that the screenwriter can't handle any interesting dialogue, and that we've submerged below the corniness of the Adam West TV show! (At least they knew they were just making comedy genius and nothing serious) Soon enough, we're introduced to the personal situation that the protagonists must overcome. Alfred (Gough) has a spell of a fictitious Movie Illness that causes his lips to quiver, his eyelids to flutter, and forces him to lean against a wall to keep from collapsing. Either that, or the filmmakers were filming a reaction shot of the actor during the movie's premiere. Here we are, not 5 minutes into the film and already I've pointed out countless instances of why the film is bad.

Now I'll attempt the impossible: outlining the plot... It seems Mr. Freeze (Schwarzenegger) is forced by fate to walk around in a clunky aluminium suit. He then develops a poorly conceived plan to avenge his wife's illness by scheming to freeze the city. Great...now how will that accomplish anything? Sounds to me like Mr. Freeze got rather pissed off and ergo is throwing a tantrum. It's the same effect as kicking and screaming, except on a wider scale. Couldn't he just settle with a bit of sobbing and maybe killing a few nearby bunnies with his father's shotgun? If only that were so, because then the world would never have to witness this flick. Anyway, continuing the "two villains per flick" rule, we are introduced to Poison Ivy (Thurman) who wants to kill Batman of course. In addition to the crime fighting duo of Batman and Robin (as if that pair weren't painful enough), cue Batgirl (Silverstone) to reel in a mainstream female audience. What do you have as a result? There's practically no story to the film: it's merely a succession of flashy set pieces (most of them irrelevant to anything coming before or after them) that generate about as much intensity as a circus sideshow.

George Clooney is appalling as the title character. Maybe he makes a semi-charming Bruce Wayne...but he's an appalling Batman. There's no dark voice and no effort to hide his true identity. By the time this is clear, we're already burying our face in our hands...and completely embarrassed to be watching the film. Arnold Schwarzenegger has never been an actor. He's grabbed guns, shot people, seen blood spurt in fascinating ways and made his pay-checks in the 80s from doing just this while delivering trite dialogue. The screenwriter (who can't do anything comedic...but would you believe he wrote A Beautiful Mind?!) for this film gives Arnie one-liners that could make a rhinoceros tremble with embarrassment. Sometimes his costume looks mildly cool (pun intended), but it's clearly exaggerated for toy purposes. Chris O'Donnell is young and too enthusiastic. His character is dreadfully written. Uma Thurman can't do much for the material. This is simply a consequence of bad screenwriting. Alicia Silverstone looks perplexed in amidst the cast. Michael Gough frequently looks embarrassed to be participating in this garbage. The poor guy used to be such a good version of Alfred...now he's an old man saying stupid dialogue.

Overall, words have yet to be invented to describe how dreadful Batman & Robin truly is. To be fair, the warning signs were present: a screenwriter who can't write comedy, a director who can't create comedy and a cast who can never achieve their desired emotions. Every sequence of this film is dreadful...corny dialogue, obvious wirework, no intensity, special effects that even look atrocious, and the camera can't be held still. The final insult and the final nail in the coffin was the film's final moments...when Batgirl, Batman and Robin run towards the camera with their capes flying before the credits begin to roll. Not to mention one of the final lines (delivered by Michael Gough) that further solidify this film as pure crap. Gough says "We're going to need a bigger Batcave". Actually, I think they need a better creative team. I remember watching this as a 6-year-old, and I was concerned with I saw a dog being frozen. If a dog getting frozen is the only thing I cared about, then surely the filmmakers have done something mortally incorrect.

0.5/10