Everyone, meet Cthulu, the Critic!

He is so tough, he makes Arnie look like Soppy Walter. But at the same time he is so nice and kind he makes Barney look like a meanie devil. Which he is.

Anyway, this monster friend of mine can either nuke the film, or whatever, with the nuke-blaster on his right hand to show his hatred or disappreciation or he can give flowers to show his loyalty or appreciation of anything or anyone!

Just one word of caution: don't anger the Cthulu

Examples:

What do you think of the film Ben-Hur

Cthulu: Ben-Hur, my dear Happy Vader, is a film not worthy of just one bunch of flowers, but many. A flower each goes to every member who enjoys Ben-Hur as I do!

And what do you think of cigarettes?

Cthulu: I'll have you know that no nicotine, tar, or whatever you wanna call it, shall harm any of my 20 lungs! NUKE!

Thank you! Go ahead, ask him anything!

Will you be featured in any creatively-inclined reviews? I'd vote for that.

Cthulu: Yes, Pumpkinate, or as everyone calls you here, PK!

face palm,...

Nay, for I am protected by,...

Can't see the picture... are you protected by a small X in a white background?

I don't see how will that protect you!

The small x is a Jedi Mind Trick.

We are not threatened by it!

Dear Cthulu,

I think American Beauty is a piece of muddle-brained, posturing garbage and that its crossover status between "art-house sensation", "Academy Darling" and "kinda dangerous for the multiplex, but hell, my friend's parents saw it the other night and liked it so.." has fooled everyone into thinking this movie is great and very special and instructive when in fact it's completely soulless and contemptible. Not to mention that Kevin Spacey struts around the entire goddamn time daring us to hate him. Well I do. I hate you Kevin Spacey!

Whereas...

Most people around here tend to disagree and IMDb users seem to think it's the greatest thing since Citizen fucking Kane.

Who's right?

Xanadon't

I'm in full agreement about what you've said about American Pie. Don't you just love films which are created specifically for the Oscars and nothing else? Give the masses a story about a man who is not quite right in the head but is desperately seeking redemption and everyone starts to drool over him, or her, what ever the case may be.

These, to me, are not films but rather really very long commercials to which you expect the punchline to appear any minute, which, sadly, never comes.

Why don't you read Happy Vader's review on the film? Quite-impressive!

I think you're right. btw, we're quite short of reviewers in my home plant Krrk. Would you mind working for us?

Have some flowers
Cthulu, the Critic

Dear Cthulhu,
what do you think of the movie Dagon? I personally love it and it has one of the sickest scenes in any horror movie ever! (the skin peeling scene).

PS: Iha iha Cthulhu fhtagn!!!

Markjazz

I'm sorry to say this but I haven't seen the film, neither has Happy Vader!

P.S: Love that man... after all, he created me!

Hahahahaha!!! Pardon my enthusiasm, but I was quite pleasantly surprised. Love to see more of this crafty thread. Yet with no activity in 2 months perhaps Cthulhu has once again slipped beneath the waves and in dreams he sleeps once more!

;D

Dear Cthulu,

what would you say about Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen?
I think it brought "bad movie" to a new level.
Probably the worst mainstream movie I've ever seen in my adult life.
Still, it grossed over $800,000,000 worldwide.

@Fortunato: Your enthusiasm is very profound, dear Earthling. I'm most impressed by your display of affection and as a token of my appreciation, I present to you the Finglo flower, the rarest, most beautiful flower you can find in our homeland of Krrk!

@The O.P.: Let me make one thing clear. Michael should be kept at Bay from movies. Big movies do not mean big successes. They can be, if executed correctly, but if you're gonna have annoying robots, a sub-par plot and, most importantly, if you're gonna have Southpark-cardboard-rejects like Megan Fox and Shia LaBeouf in your movie, then it will be a sure-fire flop. Transformer movies are always promised to be as hotter as the burning summer sun (In my homeland, the Lava Sun is twice in power of your Sun), but they're as explosive as a Barbie's plastic tantrum.

Permission to nuke the film?

Querido Cthulu:

I need your help! Some friend ask me to watch Rango. I haven't seen it yet, because I thaught I'm not gonna like it, but this friend said is awesome!
So we have a little bet on it...
I want to know what do you think about this movie?? It's worth to watch?
Thanks an advantage!

@Gaby: Help is always granted from me, but unfortunately I know next to nothing about this Rango business. I can only wish you luck and give you some real nice flowers. They do give off a great scent, don't they?

Ok, thanks anyway! (and for the flowers haha)