Hard Candy Reviews

Hard Candy screams ‘contractual obligation’ from start to finish. Instead of Madonna leading the pack and being ahead of the curve, American Life’s unedited video was ahead of the curve just like Confessions’ bubbling Euro-disco was right before that took off, she’s following the pack. And not just following, but doing it about five years too late for a collaboration with Timbaland to really mean anything. By 2008 it had seemed inevitable that she would eventually get around to working with him. If this album had been released by any nondescript pop tart, Britney for instance, then it probably wouldn’t have arrived with such a shrug.

Justin Timberlake and Timbaland offer, oddly enough, both the best and worst of the lot. “Voices” is an awful hot mess to end the album with. Falling somewhere between hip-hop and orchestral bombast, it features Timberlake, annoyingly over-sexed, moaning something about masters and slaves and Madonna ranting about something or another that sounds vaguely tortured. “Dance 2Nite” isn’t atrocious, but it’s not terribly memorable either. However, they do redeem themselves with “4 Minutes” and “Miles Away.” “4 Minutes” was the huge first single, the lyrics make little sense but that marching band gone to Wonderland groove is hot. “Miles Away” is wistful and proof that there was trouble in the Ritchie homestead. But the best track is “Devil Wouldn’t Recognize You.” Filled with her New Age mysticism and Catholic imagery, surrounded by a killer Timbaland beat that proves he hasn’t shot all of his tricks off on Timberlake, it is a hypnotic (almost) close to an album that is by turns fun and garish.

The other half of the album is offered up by Pharrell, who seems to have rediscovered his producing insanity…in a good way. Gone are the minimalist to the point of idiocy beats that marred his efforts with Gwen Stefani (honey, I love you but…). “Candy Shop” sounds like paint cans being beaten, and Madonna compares her clitoris to a one-stop candy shop which can be customized to fit your cravings. Disgusting, but hilarious. And he manages to create an urban-disco which makes Madonna sound right at home, instead of the Tim squared numbers which made her sound both desperate to stay young, relevant and hip, and like she was just doing a bunch of filler to get out of her contract. “Give It 2 Me” is funky, in a Chic-meets-MC Lyte way. “She’s Not Me” sounds like the Queen is reminding everyone within ear shot that all of the Britneys, Gagas and Christinas of the current pop world are just pretenders to her throne. And “Beat Goes On,” featuring a cameo from Kanye West, is second best on this album. On the outside a frivolous hip-hop party track, on the inside an even more frivolous bubbly disco number. Nothing deep, or revolutionary, but a hell of a fun dance track.

But Pharrell isn’t immune from releasing bizarro-world tracks like “Spanish Lesson” or “Incredible.” “Incredible” suffers from the kitchen-sink approach which sunk tracks like “Wind It Up.” The only joy to be had from that track is once the beat kicks back in towards the end and Pharrell starts to scream out “BOOM!” in the background. And “Spanish Lesson” is the worst song Madonna has recorded in the past ten years. A strange thing: she threatens to sex you up if you don’t do your homework and proceeds to translate random phrases in Spanish. What does it all mean? Who knows.

Hard Candy is an album of tremendous filler, not unlike True Blue. In an era where Peaches is releasing psycho-sexual singles that border on sonic pornography on an off day, Madonna’s attempts at overt sexuality play out like cutesy mannerisms. Her vulgarity used to be one of her charms, but all of that time spent in European discos and wanting to tell her real feelings seems to have made her lose some of that rough edge. (For the record, I miss her collaborations with crazy, trashy Euro-disco producers; it was much more fun and consistent.) Somewhere, Dita is either howling with laughter or sobbing in frustration. DOWNLOAD: “Devil Wouldn’t Recognize You”