New Moon Reviews

Stephen King once said, "Stephenie Meyer can't write worth a darn. She's not very good."
I couldn't agree more, Stephen. With that, we shall kick this off with a joke:

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Heh.

This re-reading is brought to you courtesy of Project: Hindsight.


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I'm sorry folks. I just could not get through this shit book another time. However, since I've already read it a few times, I feel extremely confident in skipping to the review. But first, can someone please explain to me why this book is 563 pages?! Seriously, how is it possible a book with almost no plot can be so long? When I first read New Moon back in 2008, I didn't like it. In fact I'm not even sure why it had three stars because I remember being super frustrated. Even though Edward and Bella's relationship deeply disturbs my soul, Bella is so incredibly boring without him. I'm not even sure how Stephenie Meyer managed 563 pages. Truly, I'm amazed because I can sum up New Moon in one big picture:

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But let's get on with it, I'll go into some detail for ya.

The book starts off on Bella's 18th birthday, a day she has been dreading for months only because in her mind she will be one year older than Edward. So, she makes a huge production about people not celebrating her birthday, but the Cullens ignore her and Alice plans a party. Before Edward forces her to attend they watch Romeo and Juliet (the book's supposed theme) and they have merry little conversation about Edward's contingency plans once Bella dies. Now, let's not forget they've only been dating for a few months. Yet, here they are making out and talking about killing themselves in the event of the other's death. How romantic. Don't even ask me the logic behind how they can even kiss when his teeth are supposed to be "venom coated." Stephenie Meyer gives some bull shit excuse she must have learned from ass-grab 101. But I digress...

Finally, they make it to the birthday party. Bella gets a paper cut and Jasper almost single-handedly ends this series on page 29.

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Unfortunately, to my dismay his attempt was foiled by Edward. Eddie pushes Bella out the way and she crashes into the glass plates, slashing up her arm. Pause, let's think about that scene a bit: Who's bright idea was it to have glass plates? With a human. In a room full of vampires. That drink blood. Isn't Alice psychic? Why didn't she see Bella cutting her finger on the wrapping paper? Wait, don't think about that because if you spend all your time contemplating the stupidity, we'll never get through this review.

Obviously, Eddie is not happy with the events that went down at his place and Bella further irritates him by apologizing for...wait for it...being human. Bella, you know you've been hanging out with mythical creatures too much when you start thinking your humanity isn't normal. But anyway, Eddie does what any loving boyfriend would do after their girlfriend is attack by their brother: he ignores her. And because Eddie is "Alpha Male Edward" and Bella is "Submissive Mary Sue Bella," she doesn't confront him about it. Instead, she waits for him to be ready. On the third day of ignoring her, he drags he into the words and chucks up the deuces. The exchange goes a little like this:
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Alpha Male Edward tells Submissive Mary Sue Bella firmly, "No, I don't want you to come. You're no good for me." And she pretty much agrees realizing how much of a waste of space she is. Then Edward just pours salt all over her open wound and tells her:
"Don't do anything reckless or stupid," he ordered, no longer detached. "Do you understand what I'm saying?...I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself--for him."
I nodded helplessly.
Wow. Relly? You're just going to let him order you around like that? How about you look after yourself FOR YOU first, everyone else second? Awesome Bells. Can I call you Bells? Not only do you have ZERO self-preservation skills, but also no self-confidence. Just awesome. There's only about a million or so girls looking up to you as a role model. No pressure to be a strong female character. You could have walked away from this with grace, but no, instead all your dignity flies out the window when you pull a bitch move and run after Edward through the woods.
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Then, she defaults back to "Fuck my life" mode and slips into a depression for four fucking months. I find it kind of funny her depression was longer than their actual relationship. Heh. But this wasn't just any depression, it was some serious shit.
I always had nightmares now, every night. Not nightmares really, not in the plural, because it was always the same nightmare. You'd think I'd get bored after so many months, grow immune to it.
Or how about this:
Even my outsides looked different--my face sallow, white except for the purple circles the nightmares had left under my eyes. My eyes were dark enough against my pallid skin that--if I were beautiful and seen from a distance--I might even pass for a vampire now.
Once again I find myself asking the question: Where are her parents?! Why did Charlie let this go on for FOUR months?! She should have been in counseling or something. But Meyer thinks she can just pacify readers by Renee sending a random e-mail here and there or Charlie just suggesting she seek help, only to be shot down by Bella. Fail. So much fail.

All that considered, that's not even the biggest problem I have with this book. Bella soon figures out she can conjure up hallucinations of Edward if she does something reckless or suicidal. This is where Jake comes into play. Bella uses Jake (like everyone else) to get what she wants by asking him to fix up two motorcycles she found and giving her riding lessons. She figures it will be the perfect thing to help her see more of Edward. I suppose she simply forgot how big of a klutz she is and once the bikes are fixed the lessons commence. The first time she gets on she falls off and Jake (the only one with common sense) thinks they should call it a day before she gets hurt. But Bella thinks this is BK and she can have it her way, and gets back on the bike.
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Chick has gone batshit crazy and she promptly busts her ass. But she doesn't care because her mission was a success! She got to see and hear Edward! Her next brilliant idea is to throw herself off a cliff during high tide. The first time I read this I was secretly hoping she would drown, but the other two books already were published, so it was a hopeless wish. Oh and I almost forgot to mention the actual plot. LOL. Funny how that happens when there isn't one, huh? LOL. The She-vamp, Victoria, is scoping out the area trying to get to Bella. But her part is VERY small in this book (like the plot), so we don't really need to talk about her. I suppose the wolf pack is worth mentioning: They're pretty much a bunch of wannabe werewolves that run around with their shirts off.
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That's all you really need to know about them.

So, finally Alice shows up in chapter 18 because she thought Bella was trying to commit suicide (close enough Alice). And through a nice little exchange of "he said, she said" BS, Edward is off to Italy to kill himself. This causes Bella to go into "hero" mode and race to Italy and save Edward. I really don't care enough to give my thoughts on the race to Italy. That entire part was rushed and anti-climatic. There isn't even a fight scene. Instead here is a timeline courtesy of Reasoning with Vampires (Thanks for the link Cait and Jen!):

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Anyway, they get back to good old Forks and Bella composes a vote on everyone's thoughts of her joining team undead. Edward is at a steady "no" along with Rosalie. But everyone else says, "Hell yes!" Like becoming a vampire is a party or something. Funny thing is when Bella asks Jasper he goes:
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And she's all:
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Hmm, yeah, that's not weird at all. Not the least bit creepy.

In the last few pages Edward and Jake have a little pissing contest and Edward proposes to Bella. The End. Yawn. Thank God it's over.

Now where's my fuckin' chocolate?

My Twilight Review can be found here.


***BONUS***

Oh, yeah, bonus time. 'Cause what's a review without one?

Quick! If I were to light Edward on fire what would he become?

(view spoiler)


More reviews and more at Cuddlebuggery Book Blog.

This book was not as interesting as the first on the surface. Steph's writing in this book is much more morrose, and I loved the range she gave the characeters. Tihs book paves the way for the next.

This book wansnt as interesting as the first and the last two book but this book started the love triangle between jacob and bella leaving her to choose her jacob or her edward

the new moon was been stop because the author is being sued by her college roommate weirdo!! lol!! well let's hope she will pay back 4 wat she did.

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hehehehe

This book is truely amazing, much as the first in the saga!
Once again pure jealousy at first, the I believe in the second chapter you get the pure floods of hysterical, gut wrenching tears (I won't go into any more than that- you will have to read it). I recommend this bok to every one, but at the same time I sound like a total freak because I don't want anyone else to read it because It is my personal happy place. I know that whatever is going on in my life at that particular point, I can put my head into that book and I'd just forget everything.

READ IT NOWW!!!!!

Just like the first one in the series (Twilight) I found this to be a very fast, absorbing light read. It carried on from the first pretty well with showing more of Bella’s vulnerabilities and introducing more of Jacob. Something I felt was, although a surprising turn of events (yes I was surprised and somewhat pissed off too), a good turn of events. I think if the story had of carried on from twilight in the same vein it would have become too monotonous and as a result really boring.
Mind you after the turn of events in the beginning it still became predictable and it also showed just how daft the main character is which could at times be a tad frustrating seeing as you can figure it all out before the main character gets it together. Obviously the character can never seem to see the forest for the trees and yet for some odd reason I got over that pretty quickly. You just can’t help it with a character like Bella. I really think the daftness is just part of her charm.

I don't know why I even bothered to buy and read this. I read Twilight and didn't like it much at all. The writing style annoyed me and I thought that the romance in the book was way too sappy and unrealistic. It actually reminded me of the things that I used to write when I was 12-13 - over the top romantic stories. I'll admit that it did captivate my attention for a while, but while I was reading it, I was hating it. It's one of those damn annoying stories that you really fucking wanna know what happens next! I'll give it that too.

Anyways, this is getting long. The sequel was just as poorly written but had a slightly better plot. If I do say so myself, I prefer Jacob to Edward. Edward is too perfect. Who wants that?

So, it's a real crap quality novel, but it is a bit entertaining.

this book made me seriously dpreseed while i was reading it, but it was worth it.