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After Bella recovers from the vampire attack that almost claimed her life, she looks to celebrate her birthday with Edward and his family...
Kristen Stewart: Bella Swan
Director Chris Weitz tackles the ominous task of bringing New Moon to visual life from the Stephenie Meyer book series. Melissa Rosenberg apparently helms the screenplay which in turn breathes life into some dead pan dialogue.
What's frustrating about New Moon is the fact that the film is a boring slog of contention and pretentious offal. What is even more worrying is that the whole story and film could be wrapped up by just initiating and utilizing the film's final scene. The end.
Ladies and gentlemen...Instead of the former formula being carried out, what do we get instead? We have the love triangle between Jacob, Edward and Bella drawn out over the span of what feels like hours. We have brief cameos from Michael Sheen as Aro(Whom has swapped werewolf Underworld for the vampire side in New Moon.), Jamie Campbell Bower, and even Dakota Fanning whom is under used and wasted. Even these additions don't stop the whole affair from being poorly conceived and something reminiscent of someone watching paint dry...very...boringly...slowly.
The CGI looks like a baby did it; When a werewolf appears on screen you want to cry, when a misty apparition of Edward appears for Bella you want to jump out a skyscraper window in disgust. What is New Moon doing? Isn't it obvious? What it is doing is appealing to angst teenage girls and boys whom have no taste and no idea what makes an exceptional or interesting story. Sure Jacob has muscle but his face is a light version of 50 cent, sure Edward is handsome if you're blind in one eye. Even Kristen Stewart isn't that great looking and she can hardly act in this tripe let alone sell her anguish and suffering. Nothing can be taken seriously here.
So New Moonie goes one step further than it's Twiglet predecessor. It pulls it's trousers down and takes a dump over our jaw dropped mouths. What's worse is that the story at times doesn't make sense and the romance is never believable or solid.
It literally insults every other vampire story and film with it's total ignorance and disrespect for the lore and what actually makes a vampire or werewolf dark and mysterious.
What New Moonie results in being is a total illusory piece of dung that popped out of someone's rear. Who cares about Edward? Who wants Edward to disappear forever? Who want's Bella to shoot herself because she's such a depressing retard? Let's face it New Moonie makes us want ALOT of things but never indulges us the luxury or satisfaction.
Here is hoping that the final instalment does what it says on the tin, here's to this rubbish series being enveloped by the finale Eclipse, so those with taste like us are spared these horrendous ordeals and disgustingly disturbing romantic wannabe drivel satires.
''This may hurt just a little.''
3/10
