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Twilight review

'And so the Twiglet fell in love with the Marmite'

''And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.''

A teenage girl risks everything when she falls in love with a vampire.

Kristen Stewart: Bella Swan

After reading so many positive reviews of Twilight from Critics and friends alike, I was more than willing to give the apparently awesome Teen Vampire story a chance. After actually seeing this seemingly appetizing vision I'm somewhat baffled as to what everyone is going on about. Either the critics are on drugs or they have succumbed to the swarms of angst ridden female fans, (and some male supporters) being payed off in the process. It would seem to me that as soon as this so called Twilight, I was bored to tears with it's sloppy narration and poorly structured plot. Having not read the book previously the film has done a thorough job of putting me off reading it.

The acting is truly abysmal, for a start, not helping me to take it seriously at all.
Pretty boy Robert Pattinson portraying the sulky Edward Cullen, is a pouting, emotionless, pale faced lout whom will have the girls drooling over for his feminine looks. We have him weakly formulating a strange romance with Kristen Stewart as new arrival Bella Swan, who doesn't so much as act but only utilizes her looks and nothing else. I'm actually shocked how critics have been fooled by this disgusting piece of film, and I'm sure a few jobs will be lost when audiences see what a drab, unsophisticated piece of shoddiness this is. Twilight could have been the next best adaptation since Harry Potter but ends up being a cross between Underwold, Buffy & Covenant. If you do go and view this at the cinema, more than likely, the majority will be either A fans of the book, or B girls who after a soppy romantic fix. God knows, after hearing some comments, how people can endure this monstrosity multiple times and not resist the need to systematically vomit or succumb to sleep. It honestly, in the politest way possible is like watching newly used paint on a wall dry.

''I know what you are. You're impossibly fast. And strong. Your skin is pale white, and ice cold. Your eyes change colour, and sometimes you speak like, like you're from a different time. You never eat or drink anything. You don't go out in the sunlight.''

Twilight abuses the Vampire lore in many ways, opting for our sucker friends to have glittery skin in sunlight(More like sweat visually), playing baseball in stormy weather, and also being able to have a reflection in a mirror. All of these and more crash this nightmare into unbelievability and beyond, causing me to lose hope for Vamp films in general. Being a fan of Bram Stokers Dracula and Interview with the Vampire, this Twilight is a wet dream of teenage hormones realized. It's got no class of a sophisticated vampire whatsoever, also lacking a decent nemesis or threat throughout. When a problem is presented in the guise of three evil Vampires, we are too bored to even give a damn about our characters or even what is to transpire next.

Granted Twilight isn't a complete catastrophe, it's got some good qualities here and there, that seperate tedium from torture. The music for one seems to be good in places, as is the parts where Bella visits Edward's family. It just takes too long for these to kick in.
Before we even get to the juicy segments we are given supposedly romantic encounters between our pair. Their acting and slushy antics are about as frozen as Edward Cullen's facials appear to be. A frosty love that's about as easy to believe, as blooming Freddy Kruger or King Kong materializing before us from a hurricane of misconception. Which in other words is unbelievable, in every formulated way possible.
Billy Burke as Charlie Swan also seems to be lost throughout these strange happenings as Bella's mistreated father. Not to mention Native American friends who are brushed aside with Bella's infatuation and dazzling romance with Edward. After seeing this it's fair to say, you will want to grow up fast if this the most imagination they can conjure up on the screen for us. The realism has just sizzled from view and burst abruptly out the window.

As for Director Catherine Hardwicke, has she even bothered to read the book? Or watch any Vampire films of late? I'd say she hasn't bothered doing much if this is the best she can give us. Her direction to me, seems to be poorly threaded together, resulting in a rushed, heightened, chaotic jumble of genres that makes me embarrassed to bear witness to. I mean Melissa Rosenberg screenplay is as flimsy as paper in a storm, it seems to move at a slug's pace, while Stephenie Meyer Novel is systematically raped by this on-screen apparition. You could say that I'm not easily impressed but I'm having on by a thread as to what to be impressed by as I come out of this venture. My girlfriend is as confused as I am, as it finishes, and she was the one that wanted to see this. I'm at a crossroad as to what to think. It's nearly Christmas and Twilight seems to be the only film people talk about. Simply put God help us if this is the best we can get. Hopefully in the next few weeks a certain two films will redeem my flattened cinema viewing and give me something better to feast upon.

''Death is peaceful - easy. Life is harder.''

Added by Lexi
13 years ago on 21 December 2008 23:47