Alabama Jones and the Busty Crusade (2005) Reviews

OK, it's easy to poke fun at softcore erotica, but I actually like it, and I had high hopes for this flick considering it's big budget (for erotica) and has the same writer, director and some of the same cast as "Busty Cops 2", a flick I really enjoyed.

As long as the ladies are beautiful, the sex is hot, and the stuff between the sex scenes keeps me laughing... then I can put up with subpar acting, cheesy special effects, fake tits, and other weaknesses. Unfortunately, this flick is just not very funny and the sex scenes are are pretty lame. And one out of three is bad.

Silly movie spoofs can be fun, and erotica uses that theme a lot, but when the comic writing falls flat, it can be painful to sit through (can you say "Epic Movie"?). Although there is an occasional amusing line, most of the comedy here falls rather flat (unlike the actresses), and the only scene I found funny was the one where Jungle Bill hit the girls with some rapid fire silly quiz questions (a gimmick also used in "Busty Cops 2"). Other than that, the Jungle Bill character was actually very annoying (that trek thru the jungle with him seemed to last forever) and there were no sustained laughs. Ironically, I think I laughed more during the closing credits where the actresses were interviewed than I did during the film. There's some funny stuff there... and if you don't get Deanna Merryman's comment about a "NASCAR driver", read the trivia page for this film.

My problem with the sex scenes is that most of them are not simulated sex (which I like), but are what I call "stripper shows". Two or three girls perform some combination of stripping, dancing, wriggling, caressing themselves and/or each other, occasionally licking a nipple and throwing sexy looks at the camera, all set to music. There's one girl/girl simulated sex scene which is passable, and two guy/girl scenes (one OK, one terrible). These scenes are very low energy and set to mellow music. I consider the Deanna Merryman/Scott Styles sex scene one of the very worst I've ever seen. If not for their slowly moving hands, I would have thought they were asleep. She just sat there when she was on top. Ironically, in the credits Deanna claims that she has never had an orgasm. Considering how badly she simulates sex on screen, maybe she's not doing it right in real life either.

Lots of lovely girls here, and Nikki Nova and Cheyenne Silver are stunningly beautiful. I'm not a fan of over-sized fake chests, but when the word "busty" is in the title of the flick, I can't complain about that.

On the upside, there's a lot of great music and beautiful outdoor locales (Hawaii). Unfortunately, that can't save this film from the lack of laughs or the absence of good simulated sex... but check out the girls' interviews in the credits!