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Added by the giraffe on 21 Sep 2011 07:33
5569 Views 31 Comments
77
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Stop ruining my childhood jerks!

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George Lucas vs. Star Wars

A short time ago in a galaxy not so far away, there was only one Star Wars trilogy. As a child, I never even noticed or cared that they were labeled episodes IV-VI & I spent so much time with these films (especially Star Wars since it was the only one we owned on VHS) that I knew they were a complete story.

Later, George Lucas would re-release them to theatres as "special editions" with new added footage that he couldn't work in the first time around. And thus these films began to change. The first changes were acceptable enough, as they were pretty minor.

But then he made 3 more Star Wars movies, none of which come anywhere near the greatness of the original trilogy. I suppose episodes I-III are entertaining enough if you're willing to shut your brain off, but they lack the heart and overall care that the originals display from start to finish. The prequels would eventually lead to George Lucas further altering the original trilogy, the worst choice being to CGI Hayden Christiansen into the end of Return of the Jedi.

NOW, Lucas plans to re-release all 6 episodes...this time in 3-D (the most overrated technology ever...I'm guessing he just wants the upcharge on the tickets). I can only imagine the horror this will be, so you can rest assured I won't be going to the theatre to watch any of them. I'm done supporting his alterations of an already perfect trilogy, alterations which serve only to chip away at my original experience. Can't he find an original idea to waste his energies on? Oh wait, no, he'd rather keep screwing with what he's already done just to keep the money pouring in. Jerk.
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Michael Bay vs. TransFormers

Admittedly I probably have little reason to complain since I refuse to watch any of Michael Bay's Transformers movies. But I will anyway.

As someone who grew up watching & loving the original animated series, TransFormers remains very close to my heart. I've watched the bulk of the series, saw TransFormers: The Movie countless times, had a bunch of the toys, etc. It was my favorite TV show during my childhood, and it's held up well in the years that have followed.

Then suddenly it's decided we need new live-action movies based off the series, and the horrible Michael Bay slides into the director's chair. Gah. Add to that a bunch of character redesigns (worst of all being Megatron transforming into a jet instead of a gun) and a cast full of terrible actors, and you've lost my interest as well as any respect you might have earned from me had the live-action films been done right.

Now the whole thing is a franchise series that will probably wind up better known than the animated series that spawned it. Sigh.
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Michael Bay vs. TMNT

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was one of my favorite TV shows when I was a kid. I went to see the first 2 films in theatres on their respective opening weekends (thanks Dad!), and I read as many of the comic books as I could afford to pick up. I was so in love with TMNT that I had to have as many of the toys as possible as well, and up until they started making a million variations of the 4 turtles I had every character there was.

For some crazy reason, the upcoming TMNT movie has been handed over to Platinum Dunes & Michael Bay. According to an article I just read, Bay intends to do away with the turtles being mutants and will make them aliens instead. Which I guess means the title will be changed to Teenage Alien Ninja Turtles? Sigh. Hopefully this won't stick, but for now it has guaranteed I won't watch this abomination.
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Platinum Dunes vs. Horror

Below you will see the horror films that Platinum Dunes either has already re-made, or soon plans to. I have no interest in unnecessary remakes, but it seems like they're what this production company trades on. And when people conspire together to create a long string of unnecessary remakes, my only conclusion is that they're all greedheads with no respect for the art they're sucking the life out of.
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All involved parties vs. Indiana Jones

The Indiana Jones series was perfectly fine as a trilogy. Like most people, however, once a 4th installment was in the can & on its way to theatres I decided I had to watch it. And what I got was one of the worst films I've ever seen.

I could go on and on about it, but instead I'll send you to a pair of reviews that sum up the majority of my feelings about it: "Let's just call it a trilogy" and "Adventurism gone mad!"

To the above reviews, I will add that Shia LeBeouf ruins every scene he's in by trying to be more of a movie star than he actually is (and no way in hell do I believe that he of all people could be Indy's son), Cate Blanchett's performance is so wooden and lifeless it makes me question my appreciation for her talents as an actress, and the fact that it took them over a decade to work out a script that everyone would commit to (a script which underwent a slew of rewrites) should have been a sign that this would be an epic fail.

I still wish I'd walked out like I wanted to after the nuking the fridge scene.
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Roland Emmerich & Dean Devlin vs. Godzilla

Contributed by Pumpkinate
What did Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich do wrong with this movie? I mean, certainly they were the right fit for an adaptation of, and I QUOTE, "the hokey Japanese versions... of men-in-suits and bad models, a kind of dinosaur hybrid who lumbers about in a semi-comical fashion trashing Lego buildings..." As anyone who doesn't take that statement with a grain of salt will surmise, clearly there was only room to improve.

Said improvements include:

- "Godzilla" is now a mutated iguana. His chin is bigger than the entire rest of his body!
- "Godzilla" doesn't spit fire. He only defecates on a classic franchise!
- "Godzilla" goes down easy. Thus the plethora of babies he hatches. Zing!
- "Godzilla" gives birth to said babies even though he's a he. Arny, you must be proud!
- "Godzilla" is mediocre at best. No punchline here!

"Godzilla" is a average movie that might have succeeded as a monster film, but fails utterly as an official Godzilla movie. Legendary Pictures - the makers of movies like 300 and the Batman trilogy - have bought the rights to the monster and will be making a feature film with Gareth Edwards (Monsters) as director and David Goyer (Batman Begins) as writer. With so many classics to follow up on, it's wise not to be a little apprehensive, but one thing is for sure - it can only go up. Because GINO (Godzilla In Name Only) was so tiny New York's mice had to stop up holes in their walls just to keep him out. Huzzah!

UPDATED: March 19, 2012

I could also have listed all the direct-to-DVD sequels for old Disney animated films, but since none of them were released to theatres they're easier to ignore. Though I'll admit to being annoyed every time I see something like Bambi II or Cinderella III (yes that exists).

See also: Max the Movie Kid's Reasons why childhood is facing extinction list, which is full of other movies that never should have been made from old cartoons.

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the giraffe's movie lists guide (146 lists)
list by the giraffe
Published 6 years, 8 months ago 1 comment



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