My favorite Comedies :)

Kyle: It's not cheating if you spread peanut butter on your balls and let your dog lick it off.
[Josh, Rubin and E.L. are understandably repulsed]
Kyle: Because it's your dog.
Rubin: Jesus Christ!
Kyle: You know, because it's YOUR dog, get it?
Rubin: Yeah, we've got it.

Jim: Guys, uh, what exactly does third base feel like?
Kevin: You want to take this one?
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Like warm apple pie.
Jim: Yeah?
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Yeah.
Jim: Apple pie, huh?
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Uh huh.
Jim: McDonald's or homemade?

Harold: Did Doogie Houser just steal my f*cking car?

He is the sweetest guy. Have you ever looked into his eyes? It was like the first time I heard the Beatles.

Chunk: Everything. OK! I'll talk! In third grade, I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max's toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog... When my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids and then they served lunch I got nuts and I pigged out and they kicked me out... But the worst thing I ever done - I mixed a pot of fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then, t-t-then, I made a noise like this: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa - and then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life.

Mr. Parker: Fra-gee-lay. That must be Italian.
Mrs. Parker: Uh, I think that says FRAGILE, dear.
Mr. Parker: Oh, yeah.

Vincent Benedict: Money talks and bullshit walks!
Julius Benedict: How can bullshit walk?

Juno: What's wrong?
Barbara: We're very unhappy.
Juno: What did you expect? You're dead.

Kevin McCallister: Can I sleep in your room? I don't want to sleep on the hide-a-bed with Fuller. If he has something to drink, he'll wet the bed.
Buzz McCallister: I wouldn't let you sleep in my room if you were growing on my ass.

Joseph: My dad's a gynecologist. He looks at vaginas all day long.

Grim Reaper: [rapping] You might be a king or a little street sweeper, but sooner or later you dance with the reaper.

Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: [searching the house for the money] She must've had it on her!
Melissa Crandell: Well it's ours! Go back and get it from the old hag!
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: Oh yeah, we'll just go down there and say 'excuse me, we left our money on our dead baby sitter', no way!

Stoney: If you're edged 'cause I'm weazin all your grindage, just chill. 'Cause if I had the whole brady bunch thing happenin' at my pad, I'd go grind over there, so dont tax my gig so hard-core cruster.

Vinny Gambini: Your Honor, may I have permission to treat Ms. Vito as a hostile witness?
Mona Lisa Vito: You think I'm hostile now, wait 'til you see me tonight.
Judge Chamberlain Haller: Do you two know each other?
Vinny Gambini: Yeah, she's my fiancée.
Judge Chamberlain Haller: Well, that would certainly explain the hostility.

Stacy: Well, don't you want to open your present?
Wayne Campbell: If it's a severed head, I'm going to be very upset.
Stacy: Open it.
Wayne Campbell: What is it?
Stacy: It's a gun rack.
Wayne Campbell: A gun rack... a gun rack. I don't even own *a* gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack. What am I gonna do with a gun rack?
Stacy: You don't like it? Fine. You know Wayne, if you're not careful, you're going to lose me.
Wayne Campbell: I lost you two months ago. We broke up. Are you mental? Get the net!

Norby: What's the name of the fairy tale with the egg on the wall?
Veeko: That was Nat King Cole.
Eddie: No, Nat King Cole stuck his finger in the pie and yanked out the bird.

Dennis Van Welker: [some advice to Mud] Here's what you do: get lost! Disappear into the woods for five or six hours. When you show up they'll be so glad you haven't been eaten by bears, they'll forget the other stuff!

Kevin O'Shea: Peanut butter and jelly sandwich? Are you nuts?
Rudy Zolteck: It's still good!
Kevin O'Shea: You'll never get anywhere treating your helmet like a lunchbox son? What is that?
Butz: Cheetos.
Kevin O'Shea: Crunchy or puffed?
Butz: Puffed.
Kevin O'Shea: Whip e'm.
[Butz confiscates the food and walks off]
Rudy Zolteck: My MOM made that!

Lloyd: We got no food, no jobs... our PETS' HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!

Buckwheat: [singing, as he and Porky are jogging to the race] We're goin' to the race, we're gonna win first place, and you have an ugly face!

Mama Klump: Cletus, the dog has ripped the garbage bag open again.
Papa Klump: Well, shoot the damn dog!
Mama Klump: I ain't shootin' no dog!
Papa Klump: I'm tryin' to watch "Roseanne."

Greta: He knocked over another ATM. This time at knife point. He needs your legal advice.
Fletcher: [picking up phone and shouting] Stop breaking the law, asshole!

Michele: Remember the prom? You got so thin by then.
Romy: Oh, I know. I was so lucky getting mono. That was like the best diet ever.

Clark: Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?

Bobby Boucher: My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush.

Lt. Brutus: Mr. Bean, are you presently on any kind of medication?
Mr. Bean: Not that I know of.
Lt. Brutus: You certainly could use some.

Mrs. Doubtfire: [as Daniel] My first day as a woman and I'm getting hot flashes.

Leon Phelps: Listen, I was wandering. Can I ask you a question? Uh... was your father a meat burgler? Here's why I ask: because it looks like somebody stole two fine hams and shoved them down the back of your dress.

Jimmy the Demon: Remember, you have to shove a pineapple up Hitler's ass at 4 p.m...

Joe Dirt: Well, I was born without the top of my skull and I guess a little bit of my brains was showin' and it was grossin' everybody out so my mom put this wig on me to cover it up and then the bones grew together and it got all infused and entwined. I mean I don't mean to get all scientific with you...

Wayne: So Darren tells me you're a psychologist.
Judith: That's right.
Wayne: I'm in a related field.
Judith: Really? What is it?
Wayne: Pest and rodent removal.
Judith: How is that related?
Wayne: We both help people.

My germs!!

Lucy Impersonator: How about a pit-stop?
Owen Templeton: Sorry, this is a one way flight. There's a bathroom in the back.
Lucy: The latch is broken. Anyone could just walk right in.
Owen Templeton: So? Look, you ain't got nothin' these other Lucys haven't seen before.
Lucy: [man's voice] Not necessarily.

Van Wilder: Dinner for two. Me and you. Clothing optional.

Mrs. Connelly: I don't drink meself, it's a sin.

Computer voice: Mail, mothafucka!

Karen: Gretchen, I'm sorry I laughed at you that time you got diarrhea at Barnes & Nobles.
[beat]
Karen: And I'm sorry for telling everyone about it.
[beat]
Karen: And I'm sorry for repeating it now.

G: Who's taking care of your kids?
Lonnie: Jesus.

Trisha: I wanted to thank you for the beautiful drawing you did of me.
[through gritted teeth]
Trisha: It's hanging in my *bedroom*.
Napoleon Dynamite: Really? It took me like three hours to finish the shading on your upper lip. It's probably the best drawing I've ever done.
Trisha: Yeah... it's really... neat.

Walter Stratford: Hello, Katarina. Make anyone cry today?
Kat Stratford: Sadly, no. But it's only 4:30.

Sherman Schrader: Ask me about my wiener!

Alex McDonough: You know, Larry's heavy set. Is that the kind of guy you've always been attracted to?
Chuck Levine: Ah no, he's my first fattie.
Alex McDonough: You guys really seem like you have a lot of sexual chemistry.
Chuck Levine: I float his boat and he sinks mine.

Brennan Huff: I'm going to take a pillowcase and fill it full of bars of soap and beat the shit out of you!

Zack Brown: What's your name?
Lester: Lester. Lester the Molester Cockenschtuff.
Zack Brown: Wow. That's a great porn name.
Lester: I get to pick a porn name? Then I want to be called Pete Jones.

Thom: Would someone mind telling me where we're going?
Norah: You know how some people like to eat at the same places?
Nick: Yeah.
Norah: Well Caroline likes to barf in the same places

Peter Klaven: I'm Peter Klaven, I'm the Realtor.
Sydney Fife: Hey check out these two. That guy needs to fart.
Peter Klaven: He does seem to be clenching.
Sydney Fife: Watch the leg... Boom!
Peter Klaven: He farted in my open house.
Sydney Fife: He sure did.

Monty: [using a Forrest Gump voice] Momma said they's my magic shoes. Mama said they would take me anywhere. 'Course Mama used to beat me with a rubber hose and call me a retard.

Graeme Willy: You are an alien!
Paul: To you I am, yes.
Graeme Willy: Are you gonna probe us?
Paul: *Why* does everyone always assume that? What am I doing? Am I harvesting farts? How much can I learn from an ass?