My Favorite Cinema Snob Reviews

"Christopher McDonald is the Goose to Johnny's Maverick."

"Thankfully the Exterminator shows up just in the nick of time."

"Stealing from the Halloween II soundtrack, are we?"

"All I have to say about this scene is: Tommy James, how could you?"

"You know, if I wanna watch sex in the city, I'll fucking watch Sex and the City. And I fucking hate Sex in the City. I do not need that show crossed with Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III."

"And why in God's name would you invite Clay of all people to your bachelor party?"

"Which is better than if she had a copy of the movie Dreamcatcher."

"Well, I'm just gonna say right off the bat... that I don't think this movie was made for me."

"Pickles, huh? Well given that you look like one, I'm guessing you're a cannibal."

"Their Hoover vacuum is returning with the party balloons, and his name is, no joke, J. Edgar. Get it? Hoover? J. Edgar? Kids LOVE old FBI references."

"Now they're just stealing lines from Boardwalk Empire."

"See you at the pah-ty Rick-Tah!"

"At least we have Peggy, from Mad Men in this film."

"If this is a horror movie, then Hot Dog: The Movie should be a snuff movie."

"Hotel? Evil spirts? New Year? I can make this film, even more Shininier."

"But everyone has their own odd Chrixtmas traditions.-

"it`s okay for Santas to be butchered, but not for Santa to do the butchering? Is out rage hilerarious?"

"It`s about mysterious, as the alphabet."

"Was his coat fucking soaked in kerosen?"

"So he can show her the greenscreen world. Shining, shimmering, chroma-keyed."

"Apparently we were moments away from the ending of Dr. Strangelove."

"Nuclear Man is actually on his way to the Masters of the Universe auditions."

"I'm sorry! Am I making fun of a movie you like?"

"Harry Potter and the Toll Troll of the Boy's Soul."

"If you need someone to dance horribly in front of the camera, Elaine Benes lives right upstairs, just ask her!"

"She's like if the Bad Seed were played by Shirley Temple."

"It's an official sequel, it's as official as 'The Godfather: Part II'".

"Oh, yeah. And she's every drunk college girl at a Rocky Horror screening."

"Ever dance with a goblin in the pale moonlight?".

"i`m not buying Jan Michael Vincent as a prison space warden,"

"His bones seemed to be made, from an old accordian"

"Jay Richardson ix someone, who go after Bruce Campbel! turnx who you down."

"There are two bumbling hunters, aren`t there?"

"The more the Saw movies went on, the more Jigsaw's rules got really stupid."

"Where's the talking cat from Oh Heavenly Dog?"

"What's this? "Jaws movie"? One of the sequels, I suppose? I guess I could knock one of these, but which one do I make fun of? Jaws 3: Jaws vs. Giant Sea World Commercial, or Jaws: The Revenge: Jaws vs. Michael Caine's Futuristic, Self-Drying Shirtt?"

"Enter in the shark expert, who ix like Matt Hooper, but looks more like a Matt Damon/Matt Stone hybrid."

"My brain is telling me this all has something to do with the Killer Klowns from Outer Space."

"Say what you will about the Cloverfield monster, but as a baby, he's adorable."

"She'll get him back by blowing him up at the prom."

"They get lost and end up in a chainsaw massacre."

"This movie is like Falling Down if D-Fens only had a so-so day."

"This kid's hair says 'I auditioned to be the kid from Bingo.'"

"It's the talking dog from Halloween 5."

"...that this is a rainier, gloomier movie than Seven."

"That is the most Oscar-worthy way I've ever heard that Scooby-Doo line delivered."

"You're right, movie, I should be watching American Gigolo instead."

"The two sneak into Travis Bickle's apartment..."

"Slow down, you're giving the chemistry between Carmen and Teri Copley from Riot a run for its money."

"I think we're soon going to find out why Helen Buckman is sans husband in Parenthood."

"I can tell you right now, he's no Ben Tramer."

"...they accidentally rented A Nightmare on Elm Street and Eddie and the Cruisers."

"...that the movie turns into Sixteen Candles?"

"They should hire The Pretender...The TV one, not the one in this movie."

"Nice to see what Chad from In the Company of Men was up to in his younger years."

"Neither Angela Baker or Jason Voorhees are in attendance at your camp. Truly the crime can't be that bad. So what is the crime?"

"Move over, Agatha Christie."

"I guess that's how they top 'hey Scotty, Jesus, Man.'

"You know who could stop this? The Night Stalker. Just saying."

"Tommy grows up to be Dick Jones."

"Are you an American enough Captain to rescue the president?"

"Nice make-up, Jack Napier. Can't tell you're evil."

"What the hell was with 1995 and their Saturday Night Fever references?"

"I always wanted to see Cliffhanger crossed with Troop Beverly Hills."

"Max tries to outrun the FBI by threatening to toss the Shankara Stones."

"I guess when he's not overseeing 8 millimeter snuff films from millionaires..."

"Don't piss off the girl that can Scanners your fucking head."

"...so they opted for Carrie vs. Jason."

"Oh great, stock footage from Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter?"

"So it's Carrie vs. Jason vs. Halloween 5."