Movies according to my dreams

Jason Segel plays a man who has an imaginary friend - a talking desert rock with ten faces and a voice resembling George DelHoyo (known for voicing the Mariachi Owl in Rango). The rock at one point does a musical number, the song sounding like 'Coconut'.

Has four sequels, including the PG-rated (with a G-rated director's cut available) Me Myself 5.0. Claimed to last 118 minutes but really much shorter than that, it opens with a live-action Granny and a CG toy Sylvester. Pretty much all I remember. It's regarded as one of the worst movies of the year.

An alien race kidnaps the parents of a little boy and his older sister, a girl with a blonde hairstyle that sticks out behind both ears rather than drooping down, who befriends the smallest of the invaders. The girl is different to Riley but still contains the same emotions, who only appear in one scene. The rest of the story follows her growing up without her mother or father there to take care of her. She doesn't mind. It's also in some ways a video game.

Captain America had more than seven movies from the 70's to the 80's, and he had four Superman S's on his suit, his belt for example. In his seventh movie, he fought Spiderman, who looked no different to the way he looked originally.

A director's cut had dinosaurs in crazy colours and scientifically accurate raptors in yellow.

Directed by Brad Bird. If only.

While I wasn't thinking about this film, the film in my dream was quite similar in tone and theme. It was an original film about a young, posh, spoiled queen whose servants take her across the world to find her true love. It has a colourful but incredibly long credit sequence with a lot of non-major studios involved. Eventually, after the credits, a feminine, CG dragon that looks like she came out of Enchanted crashes the party, acting like she is the queen.

Directed by Jon M. Chu and starring Dwayne Johnson exploring the world of Star Trek. The real lead characters only make a cameo. It's pretty terrible.

Panem is in control of a Disney-ish theme park, brainwashing and de-aging its subjects.

Ted is some kind of a technical wiz, creating a giant, mechanical beast just to encourage and cheer on Bennett at a ball game.

In another dream, this is instead a family-friendly, direct-to-DVD film about talking dogs, labelled "Ted 2" just so it could make money.

The Nerdlucks reside in a red, CG, TRON-like (not counting Legacy) room, where they can get to the real world by portal, which makes slightly more sense than how they actually did get there. Mr. Swackhammer can change into his fat cat form at will, but when he isn't taking that form he is like a Nerdluck, short and with the exact same voice as Invader Zim. The Looney Tunes do not have as much of the CG shading as they do in the actual movie, and as a continuity error Lola Bunny appears with the gang before she's even introduced.

Released on Blu-Ray the Monday after it hit cinemas. The dinosaur scene turned out to be made for the trailer, and there is no Scarlet Overkill - just a team of animal spies. Like that other spin-off about popular CG sidekicks.

Was a bit more brutal than I remembered it - boys and girls each who know Marieme are strongly against each other, and knives really are used for stabbing this time.

Directed by Ben Affleck rather than Snyder, this came out the same week as Terminator Genysis. It ended with Superman winning, and Batman in a bathtub being shoved into a forest fire.

Originally a wacky, traditional cartoon movie with worms as the co-stars before issues in development got it turned into the movie it is now. The original was just near completion when it was cancelled, but a rough cut exists.

From what I can remember, Indy encounters two crooks in a national park and fights them. They do manage to shoot him in the neck in the process, but because this is a dream he survives (his wounds heal in just a few seconds) and fends them off. He had to go to this park because from where he was standing there is a whole town of people farting endlessly, and he has to rescue this random, average little boy who got himself lost in there.

Typically, this is the favourite film of a deviantART fart fetishist. He just wouldn't stop spamming groups with his giant-assed gassy girls.

Sony realised how much respect this film earned compared to a few other movies of theirs, and made a sequel.

SPOILER ALERT

In a cut directed by Peter Jackson in his horror days, it ends like both the theatrical cut and the director's cut combined, only Audrey II is confronted by zombies and then blasted by a mysterious figure, setting Seymour free. As they walk off into the distance, various monsters arrive through an alley way as the credits roll, including an even larger version of the Monster in the Closet, who exposes to the public a ball made to look like the earth. Off-camera, he takes a bite out of it and it appears to be voodoo magic as the planet is destroyed and everyone is sent off to choke in space including the cameraman.

The entire film is a flashback inception - the CG sequences are reminisced by some jolly, above-middle-aged relatives living in a terrace house in England.

Mavis and Jonathan turn into werewolves. The movie doesn't keep this plot point in mind as much as it should - the rest of the movie focuses on the other main characters exploring this old English village for some reason.

Much like Star Wars, Back to the Future has been revived by new directors, including Duncan Jones, director of Back to the Future Part IV. Released recently but crafted exactly like a film from the 80's, with some of the best de-aging makeup I've ever seen, Part IV sees Marty now in Doc's place while his girlfriend is the new Marty, although Marty is still the main hero and their romantic chemistry still remains intact. Marty travels further into the future and besides a lone... um, I'm going to have to say a gymnasium, and his new (bought at a car sale), re-worked DeLorean is stolen by a gang of thugs lead by who looks like N.W.A. Stupid plot, but darn impressive filmmaking.

In a big twist, Nick (voiced by Thomas Middleditch) and Judy find themselves tumbling into another dimension - real life (in live-action), where they are picked up by a family living somewhere in California. The grandfather there apparently created a time machine out of a computer and a calendar he bought from a shop called "Anglian". What follows is another adventure through time and dimensions. Disney animation. Thomas Middleditch. Jared Bush. Coincidence? I think not.

A Hollywood-funded, Apatow-inspired romcom that disregards the impact DFW's death had on Lipsky in favour of fictionalised romance at a time where Wallace has inspired Lipsky to be a better man, in fact, some sort of hero to his girlfriend. However, the director's cut replaces the whole romantic subplot with the bitter truth.

Well, it was a lot more interesting, that's all I can remember.

In a deleted scene, Rey slices Kylo Ren in two from his left shoulder, making him only able to use his right limbs and his head, but Snoke magically reshapes him back together, and so he turns out perfectly fine. Thank god they cut that out.

Sometimes the storyboarding duty was passed on to a complete lunatic, and it shows in a scene where Anya, Dmitri and Vlad are skiing during the "Learn to Do It" musical number. Anya catches a cold, and her expressions are wilder and more surreal than Don Bluth himself could conceive. She sneezes right onto Dmitri's face.

Somehow, Ultron returns in the first ever MCU movie to be rated R. Case in point? When someone jumps 15 storeys out of a building into a swimming pool to escape, Ultron makes sure his landing is fatal by blowing him to pieces with a bazooka once he's in the pool, leaving a bloody mess and a dismembered arm. Also, cameos include aliens best suited for a comic Farscape or something.

Early, un-rendered footage of this film proves it was originally Illumination's first film to be rated R. At one point, a dog calls a cat the 'c' word.

Partly a non-Disney, non-Pixar sequel to Inside Out, in which the humans are cartoonish up the wazoo. Fear is kind of off-model (this being animated by Sony and all), Bing Bong has been remembered again, and Riley has undergone six years of puberty...


...and a sex change.

Instead, this was titled "The Great Angry Birds Fight". The birds were captured at some kind of airport along with Mickey Mouse near the end, with the live-action Smurfs outside figuring out ways to help, as if Sony weren't milking their intentions enough. The end is a cinematic breakthrough; when the birds rocket themselves out of their glass cages to attack the pigs, the audience gets to interact and control some more birds at this time. This is all shot from the perspective of someone looking up, and apparently someone in the movie is outraged that you have to pay 30 cents extra for a specific flavour of popcorn.

This film takes place in futuristic train hotel, and while still as gritty as ever it contains appearances by Ted (who dies from dismemberment) and Mickey Mouse as some sort of vendor. Most of the main characters survive.

Pixar's edgiest film yet - the monsters deal with realistic, serious youth issues, do drugs and say "shit" a lot.

When Danny has blown up every animal's chance at fame, an extra musical number is added where he and Sawyer bicker at each other while the latter flaunts her superiority. Her cartoony expressions are great.

A little too great.

Things take a turn for the worst eventually, and Miguel gets hanged.

A pretty dark, existential story. Moana is looking for her meaning in life, but no matter where she goes or who she meets, the answer isn't there. The credits roll when she realises there's just no hope.

All three segments have been extended and split into three movies. 'Chiron' takes place at an amusement park at one point and 'Black' takes a bizarre sci-fi turn.

The trailers are all lies - this isn't just a fun film, it's a full-fledged, Disney-esque musical.

Boss Baby's cohort never existed. Instead, the movie takes place for the most part in a city and half of it is an almost unrelated Spider-Man movie in which Parker has to deal with four evil Spider-Men including one resembling Miles Morales.

Actually a similar story to Zootopiaropolis, but with different human protagonists including a teenage punk girl, a black coward with glasses and a Kent Mansley type agent, and it's only 73 minutes long. Unless, however, you count the bonus ending, which is thrice the length of the rest of the film and is all sequenced in real time. The punk stress-eats and gets herself very fat (and by fat I mean even sexier, I'm just that kind of person), the coward gets abducted by aliens and the agent starts throwing a fit at a postbox. By the end, it segues into the Blu-Ray menu. All of this is how it played out in cinemas. Yes, this is an alternate dimension in which the film was actually released in English territories.

A Civil War type crossover in which numerous CG blockbuster characters including Rocket Raccoon and the Transformers fight each other exists. For some reason it's the strongest thing Michael Bay has ever directed, and worth checking out for the 4D IMAX experience alone.

At one point it's a musical, but not in a good way. Sometimes the animators forgot which kind of Smurfs they were animating and used the "realistic" ones instead.

It's fat erotica. Hideko orders Sook-hee as her chef after months of stress-eating. Sook-hee is fascinated, aroused even, by Hideko's new figure and decides to gain with her. A feud causes them both to exercise, but thanks to the patriarchy they escape together, all plump and happy. Best movie ever.

A sequel is in the works for 2018. A teaser trailer was released featuring every character dancing. Guess what? No gags.

Surprisingly a more competently told story that uses stop-motion cut-outs to add to the mixed media. In the 2D-animated prologue, Glim was initially crafted as some kind of wolf girl before her father decided it best for her to be a humanoid instead.

In an alternate, family-friendly cut, after losing his car and the only iPod he has left to a flood outside a Bluewater-type shopping center, Baby winds up in the forest and the presence of Hamtaro's Ham-Ham Gang, who are already crossing over with a Tumblr-caliber, animesque magician kid team. To help Baby track down Debora, the lead turns the Hams into much larger and more realistic animals, Hamtaro being a moose. When the car is tracked down, the Hams are reverted and it's back to sense and action, although not without a little co-operation from the magicians.

Yeah, see the R-rated version instead.

This film is nothing more than a 130-minute discussion between a bunch of men, one played by Joaquin Phoenix, about their past lives during a Christmas party until a woman walks in for, well, exposition. I had two variations of this vision in the same dream - one where they’re not celebrating Christmas, and one where it’s still the same concept but it’s all a ridiculous, deviantART-type crossover.

I managed to see footage of this film before anyone else. Young Han and Chewie were walking down a marketplace that appeared to be pretty goddamn Disney-fied. Plenty of merch at this place despite taking place on a planet inhabited mostly by alien creatures; one shop had a redrawn Disney logo, one sold little Carmen Got Expelled plushies despite it not being picked up to series (they appeared to be custom-made anyway), and the signpost had a picture of a random Na’vi with the Avatar logo below him, which wasn’t just a Disney-Fox reference, it flat-out hinted at a possible connection to the world of Pandora. Things just aren’t the same without Lord and Miller and so little creative freedom...

It's even worse than I imagined. The animation isn't that bland for Illumination (no motion blurs), but the format sure is. A trailer shows the Grinch in his teenage years, living with a whole clan of multicoloured Grinches inside a cave. Rather than pure villainy he has a smug, "pff, whatever" attitude. All the Grinches throw a dance party in the cave to modern synth pop.

Disney are in control of this series now because of course they are. They added a Mickey Mouse short that crosses Paul Rudish Mickey over with miniature robots that look like they came out of the Transformers movies but are apparently supposed to be part of the Pacific Rim universe. I missed the beginning and was too exhausted from rushing to the IMAX cinema to pay attention to the rest.

And when the movie starts, they play not one but TWO variants of the Disney logo. One where it just pans from the right instead of above, and one that's supposed to be set in the world of Pacific Rim but looks like a fresh, futuristic world (like, uh, Tomorrowland) that plays as normal before zooming around the area for another minute, transitioning to a prologue. There is in fact a light-hearted, traditionally animated prologue by the Disney Animation Studios themselves set in a town in Jerusalem. Do we get the slightest hint of backstory to the kaiju? Nope, we get fully-CG Dougal from the Magic Roundabout movie.

Cut to the real world and it feels just like Michael Bay directed this. Nothing about the jaegers, just dudes playing basketball and a government plotting. Hating this more than I imagined, I walked out five minutes into the main feature before things started exploding; I didn't see a kaiju or a jaeger once, just Transformers-y comic relief.

Unfortunately there are less aliens in this film than there is meant to be, but it does co-star Dwayne Johnson after K retires, it does take place on a skyscraper and it does in fact end with Will Smith and Dwayne kissing.