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Added by Dav1d on 13 Oct 2010 06:55
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Dav1d's Most Memorable TV Comedy Lines

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Bernard: I'm a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It's amazing I'm here at all.

- The Fixer

Bernard: [To Fran] You! What did you say to Kate? She thinks I'm the Renaissance. She'll think I've lied! I've had to go along with all this "reclusive genius" stuff. She's going to be very upset when she finds out I'm just a reclusive wanker!

-- The Entertainer



Manny: I'm a prostitute robot from the future!

--- Grapes of Wrath

Manny: There's the elephant. He's happy with his balloon. Oh no! It's gone! Where is it? It's not behind the rhino. Look in the alligator's mouth.
Manny, Bernard:It's not there either.
Manny: Ohhhh... the monkey's got it in the tree!
Manny, Bernard: He brings it back. They all drink lemonade. The end.

----Elephants And Hens

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People who added this item 2485 Average listal rating (1800 ratings) 7.4 IMDB Rating 8.9


Kramer:I just took a bath, Jerry. A bath!
Jerry:"No good?
Kramer:It's disgusting. I'm sitting there in a tepid pool of my own filth. All kinds of microscopic parasites and organisms having sex all around me.

- The Shower Head

Kramer: [after having seen a naked woman across the street, he enters his apartment and exits 30 seconds later with a wad of cash] I'm out!

-- The Contest
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People who added this item 5795 Average listal rating (3771 ratings) 7.9 IMDB Rating 8.7
Homer: How is education supposed to make me feel smarter?
Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain.
Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

-Secrets of a Successful Marriage



Marge: Well, Homer, maybe you can take some consolation in the fact that something you created is making so many people happy.
Homer: [sarcastic voice] Ooh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the Magical Man from Happy-Land, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane!
[walks out, slams the door, then sticks his head back in]
Homer: Oh, by the way: I was being sarcastic.
Marge: Well, du'uh.

--Flaming Moes
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People who added this item 1830 Average listal rating (1204 ratings) 7.9 IMDB Rating 8.9


Tobias: Don't leave your uncle T-Bag hanging.

-Storming the Castle

Tobias: Are you calling me a coward?
Warden Stefan Gentles: There's only one man I've ever called a coward, and that's Brian Doyle Murray. No, what I'm calling you is a television actor.
Tobias: Ouch.

--Staff Infection

Gob: Yeah, the guy in the $3,000 suit is holding the elevator for the guy who doesn't make that in four months. Come on.

---Afternoon Delight

Lucille: Did that Mexican girlfriend of yours kick you out?
Gob: She's not "that" Mexican, Mom, she's "my" Mexican And she's Columbian or something.
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People who added this item 3778 Average listal rating (2608 ratings) 7.5 IMDB Rating 8.5
Captain Zapp Brannigan: That young man fills me with hope. Plus some other emotions which are weird and deeply confusing.

-War Is the H-Word



Bender: Those morons. I said teaberry not sandalwood

--Raging Bender

Fry: Okay, you're on a date. What's the first thing you do?
Dr. Zoidberg: Ask her to mate with me.
Fry: No, tell her she's special.
Dr. Zoidberg: But she's not, she's merely the female with the largest clutch of eggs.
Fry: Well, tell her that. And then?
Dr. Zoidberg: Then mating.
Fry: No, make up some feelings and tell her you have them.
[Dr. Zoidberg raises his hand]
Fry: Yes?
Dr. Zoidberg: Is desire to mate a feeling?
Fry: Ugh, you're not even trying.
Dr. Zoidberg: Ohhh, it's all so complicated, with the flowers, and the romance, and the lies upon lies.

---Why Must I Be a Crustacean In Love
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People who added this item 2728 Average listal rating (1907 ratings) 7.2 IMDB Rating 8.1
Kelso: BURN!

-Just about, every episode



Eric: You know Donna, I'm not surprised you're in my bed. I knew you couldn't resist me any longer.
Donna: No I couldn't. I want you. I need you.
Eric: Well, I never turn down a woman in need.
[wraps his arms around her]
Donna: You know, being here in you bed. On your... SpiderMan sheets. Makes me feel so Ready, so Willing.
Eric: Then call me Able.
[kisses her]
Eric: Oh, a little mood music.
[turns on a clock radio. Romantic music about a dream plays while he kisses her]
Eric: [dissolve to Eric waking up alone in his bed] Damn.
Donna: [off camera] What's wrong?
Eric: [Eric screams] Aggh!
[Eric sees the real Donna kneeling next to his bed]
Eric: I mean... hey baby!

--Sleepover

Donna: Jackie, I went on the pill.
Jackie: Oh, my God. You are going to be so popular.

---The Pill

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People who added this item 4134 Average listal rating (2892 ratings) 7.3 IMDB Rating 8.7


Satan: And NOW know this: It's a costume party, so you have to wear a costume. BUT... nobody better show up as The Crow! I'm serious.

Every costume party there's like fourteen guys come dressed like the Crow 'cause they wanna look hot and hook up. It's lame! If you come dressed as the Crow, you're NOT GETTING IN to the party!

-Hell on Earth 2006
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People who added this item 3272 Average listal rating (2244 ratings) 7.5 IMDB Rating 8.4
Dr. Cox: The key to my exercise program is this one simple truth: I hate my body.
Turk: What?
Dr. Cox: Do you understand the second you look in the mirror and you're happy with what you see, baby, you just lost the battle.
Turk: You should give speeches to teenage girls.

-My Sacrificial Clam

J.D.: This, this isn't like being a janitor, okay! It's not just like something everybody can do.
Janitor: Oh. So you can do my stuff, but I can't do yours?
J.D.: Yes!
Janitor: Okay, hotshot, what would you use to get a coffee stain up off a tile floor?
J.D.: I don't know... the... rough side of a sponge?
[silence]
Janitor: Dammit.

--My Nightingale



J.D.: I just Marcia Brady'd your ass.
Turk: What the hell are you talking about?
J.D.: Like in the episode of the Brady Bunch where Marcia gets Jan a job, then Marcia gets fired cos they like Jan better...
Turk: Season 5, Episode 3, Marcia gets creamed. Don't ever question me on the Bunch.

---My Fruit Cups
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Welcome; So this list is essentially the lines from some of my favourite shows, from some of my favourite episodes, that come first to mind.

& IF you have the time, feel free to post your favourite TV Comedy Series lines.

Added to




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