British Comedy: You Rang, M'Lord?

Years: 1988-1993
Broadcaster: BBC
Genre: Sitcom
Written by: Jimmy Perry, David Croft
Stars: Paul Shane, Jeffrey Holland
Episodes: 25 (+pilot)
Episode Average: 6.115*

BEST EPISODES:
Labour or Love (1990), Current Affairs (1991)

*including pilot

PILOT

(1988)

PILOT

PILOT

Originally broadcast: 29 December 1988
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: Jimmy Perry, David Croft

A footman hopes to be promoted when the butler dies during the night,
a villain he once knew returns to service when his stage career ends, and a vacancy for a very plain-looking maid allows his daughter to join him.

"My dad uses to say, 'Men don't make passes at girls with fat arses."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

SERIES ONE

(1990)
5 episodes
Series Score: 31
Episode Average: 6.20
Perfect 10's: 0

S1E1

THE PHANTOM SIGN WRITER

Originally broadcast: 14 January 1990
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: Jimmy Perry, David Croft

Ivy worries when somebody tries to get into her room during the night, Teddy warns his brother about carrying on with a married woman, and the staff have to do something when Lord Meldrum's car is vandalised.

"Well, he can rattle my knob till the cows come home, I'm not letting him in."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E2

A DEED OF GIFT

Originally broadcast: 21 January 1990
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: Jimmy Perry, David Croft

Ivy insists that she needs a bolt on her door to stop Teddy getting to her, Miss Poppy tells James that strong men makes her go all wibbly-wobbly, and Lady Lavender decides to give away her shares in a rubber company.

"And he's invented a new cocktail... I don't know, but it's called The Guillotine. Jerry says it knocks your head off."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E3

LOVE AND MONEY

Originally broadcast: 28 January 1990
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: Jimmy Perry, David Croft

Alf advises Lady Lavender that a mind doctor has been asked to visit her, Mrs. Lipton tries to cool Teddy's desires by swapping rooms with Ivy, and Lord Meldrum is informed that Sir Ralph plans to be at Miss Cissy's party.

"You don't think I'm frightened of young Mr. Teddy, do you? Many is the time I've seen his nanny give him a spanking. He was a funny boy. He never used to cry. Actually, he used to have a smile on his face."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E4

FAIR SHARES

Originally broadcast: 4 February 1990
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: Jimmy Perry, David Croft

Miss Cissy's upset when Ivy lets it slip about her father and Lady Agatha,
Alf offers to sell Sir Ralph the shares if he drops the divorce proceedings, and Henry refuses to be ripped off when Lady Lavender hands him a gift.

"Well, she cut a fine figure as Britannia, caused quite a lot of hilarity when she tried to toast three sausages on her trident."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E5

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL

Originally broadcast: 11 February 1990
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: Jimmy Perry, David Croft

Teddy asks James to borrow Miss Cartwright's maid for a poetry reading,
Alf receives devastating news after managing to raise the £200 he needs, and a pawnbroker uses a cigarette box as a key to Lord Meldrum's safe.

"Mo, Ivy, there'll be no Goblin going on while His Lordship's in the room."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

SERIES TWO

(1990)
7 episodes
Series Score: 44
Episode Average: 6.29
Perfect 10's: 0

S2E1

LABOUR OR LOVE

Originally broadcast: 11 November 1990
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: Jimmy Perry, David Croft

James promises not to reveal Ivy's identity if she does her work properly, Lord Meldrum looks for a way to deal with Teddy's lust for servant girls, and Alf discovers that Lady Lavender is keeping her savings in a suitcase.

"Have you got a free hand to deal with the knob?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E2

TROUBLE AT MILL

Originally broadcast: 18 November 1990
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: Jimmy Perry, David Croft

James informs the staff that the Prime Minister will be coming for dinner,
Ivy worries about her dad getting his hands on Lady Lavender's cash, and Alf offers to help end a strike after Teddy tries it on with the factory girls.

"No, he has a sort of open invitation. We see a lot of each other in the Turkish baths."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E3

MONEY TALKS

Originally broadcast: 25 November 1990
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: Jimmy Perry, David Croft

Lord Meldrum tells Teddy to choose either Madge Cartwright or Malaya, the Bishop calls by to collect items for an upcoming charity auction, and Alf is accused of stealing money after Lady Lavender causes a stampede.

"Just put it on the table, Mabel."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E4

THE MELDRUM VASES

Originally broadcast: 2 December 1990
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: Jimmy Perry, David Croft

Miss Cissy tells Teddy to propose to Madge before he's sent to the jungle, Constable Wilson has to investigate when Lady Lavender reports a theft, and Alf lies to Mrs. Lipton to get money for the Bishop's charity auction.

"Now, who will get me going for ten shillings?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E5

THE WOUNDS OF WAR

Originally broadcast: 9 December 1990
Directed by: David Croft, Roy Gould
Written by: Jimmy Perry, David Croft

Alf's given until the end of the day to put things straight with Mrs. Lipton, Sir Ralph offers sympathy about Lord Meldrum being shot in the artillery, and James agrees to take Ivy to the pictures after using her as an excuse.

"Thank you very much, Mrs. Lipton. Kipper skins, chicken bits and an old pan with the handle coming off. My husband'll think it's Christmas"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E6

STRANGER IN THE NIGHT

Originally broadcast: 16 December 1990
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: Jimmy Perry, David Croft

Teddy wakes everybody when he has a nightmare about Miss Cartwright,
Alf offers to help when James' no-good father shows up at the door, and Lord Meldrum's unimpressed when his brother shows him his invention.

"When I stood next to him in Church on Sunday, I could feel sanctity oozing out of him. You're ever so sanctimonious, aren't you?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E7

ROYAL FLUSH

Originally broadcast: 23 December 1990
Directed by: David Croft
Written by: Jimmy Perry, David Croft

Lord Meldrum tries to win a contract by inviting Noël Coward to a party, Mrs. Lipton's upset when Fortnum & Mason's are paid to do her job, and James steals a kiss after arguing with Miss Poppy in front of the servants.

"I've never been awarded a Royal Swan, although from time to time, I have been given the odd goose."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

SERIES THREE

(1991)
7 episodes
Series Score: 45
Episode Average: 6.43
Perfect 10's: 0

S3E1

PLEASE HELP THE ORPHANS

Originally broadcast: 10 November 1991
Directed by: Roy Gould
Written by: Jimmy Perry, David Croft

Mrs. Lipton demands to speak to Alf's wife when he fails to pay her back, Sir Ralph asks for help when he hears Lady Agatha talking to a man, and Lord Meldrum has to think fast when Teddy is spotted with a servant girl.

"It's the gas. It's not like it was in your day. Them Victorians certainly knew how to make gas, didn't they?"

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E2

CURRENT AFFAIRS

Originally broadcast: 17 November 1991
Directed by: Roy Gould
Written by: Jimmy Perry, David Croft

Ivy finds a shock in every room when she goes around with morning tea, Mrs. Lipton's delighted to learn that Mrs. Stokes will be paying her a visit, and Miss Cissy tells her father that he needs to stop seeing Lady Agatha.

"It's not for you, Lady Lavender. You mustn't throw other people's food at me. You must only throw your own."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E3

MRS. LIPTON'S NASTY TURN

Originally broadcast: 24 November 1991
Directed by: Roy Gould
Written by: Jimmy Perry, David Croft

Miss Cissy horrifies her father by standing for the United Workers Party,
Mrs. Lipton refuses to come out of her room after the crockery incident, and Ivy isn't best pleased when Miss Poppy tries to make James jealous.

"I couldn't find smelling salts. Will pickled onions do?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E4

MEET THE WORKERS

Originally broadcast: 1 December 1991
Directed by: Roy Gould
Written by: Jimmy Perry, David Croft

Lord Meldrum tries to impress the BBC by inviting his workers to dinner, Alf notices something very worrying about Miss Poppy's new fiancé, and Lady Lavender invites the staff to her room for a rather strange wedding.

"And I'll hold your balls."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E5

GRETNA GREEN OR BUST

Originally broadcast: 8 December 1991
Directed by: Roy Gould
Written by: Jimmy Perry, David Croft

Alf offers to give chase when Miss Poppy elopes with a complete rotter, Ivy announces that Lady Lavender has gone missing from her room, and Madge Cartwright is devastated when Teddy runs off to marry her maid.

"Well, my old man said that if the good Lord hadn't intended us to eat meat, he wouldn't have invented mustard."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E6

THE NIGHT OF RECKONING

Originally broadcast: 15 December 1991
Directed by: Roy Gould
Written by: Jimmy Perry, David Croft

James asks for time to think when Sir Ralph offers him a job as a butler, Alf gives Teddy some advice about how to put Madge Cartwright off, and Lord Meldrum tells his staff to vote for Miss Cissy so she isn't humiliated.

"George can't. The only people who are not allowed to vote are convicts, lunatics and members of the House of Lords."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E7

A DAY IN THE COUNTRY

Originally broadcast: 22 December 1991
Directed by: Roy Gould
Written by: Jimmy Perry, David Croft

Lord Meldrum treats the staff to a picnic so he can be with Lady Agatha, Constable Wilson arranges to get a cheap charabanc from a friend, and Cissy leaves Ivy in a state of shock when she tells her about birth control.

"You mark my words, he'll be having his way with Lady Agatha behind the bushes. What will you be doing, eh? Standing there with a sausage roll in your hand saying, 'Can I be of any assistance, my lord?'"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

SERIES FOUR

(1993)
6 episodes
Series Score: 33
Episode Average: 5.50
Perfect 10's: 0

S4E1

YES SIR, THAT'S MY BABY!

Originally broadcast: 20 March 1993
Directed by: Roy Gould
Written by: Jimmy Perry, David Croft

The family make some sacrifices to raise money for Cissy's soup kitchen, Miss Cartwright causes embarrassment when she gets her knickers out, and Alf comes up with a way to save Teddy from a fate worse than death.

"I reckon if you put a saddle on Miss Cartwright, she's do all right in the Grand National."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E2

REQUIEM FOR A PARROT

Originally broadcast: 27 March 1993
Directed by: Roy Gould
Written by: Jimmy Perry, David Croft

Lady Lavender organises the funeral when her parrot falls off his perch,
Teddy's not happy when equipment arrives for his relocation to Malaya, and James is horrified when he's asked to save a family from extinction.

"Mrs. Lipton, there's a dead parrot in the larder... You gonna do one of your curries?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E3

COME TO THE BALL

Originally broadcast: 3 April 1993
Directed by: Roy Gould
Written by: Jimmy Perry, David Croft

Mabel's not sure what to do for best when she finds a purse with £5 in it, Teddy worries when Madge Cartwright wants to start all over again, and Henry plucks up the courage to ask Ivy to go to a servants' ball with him.

"I'll inform Mrs. Lipton that at midday you will be looking at her quarters."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E4

THE TRUTH REVEALED

Originally broadcast: 10 April 1993
Directed by: Roy Gould
Written by: Jimmy Perry, David Croft

Lady Agatha stays with Lord Meldrum when her husband goes shooting, a drunken Alf tells Selfridge that he invented his employer's war wound, and Sir Ralph plans an unfortunate accident when he discovers the truth.

"I can't stand all that noise. You know how I feel about banging."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E5

FALL OF THE HOUSE OF MELDRUM

Originally broadcast: 17 April 1993
Directed by: Roy Gould
Written by: Jimmy Perry, David Croft

Sir Ralph attempts to curse his rival by putting hatpins in a voodoo doll, terrible news from America and Malaya leave Lord Meldrum facing ruin, and Ivy is sent to see the Bishop after Lady Lavender suggests exorcism.

"Now, sir, just take a look at this elastic. See? It don't come back, do it? Now, we sell miles and miles of this stuff for ladies' elastic garters and suspenders and... um... intimate objects. Well, it not up to the job, is it? I mean, things are dropping all over the place."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E6

WELL, THERE YOU ARE THEN...!

Originally broadcast: 24 April 1993
Directed by: Roy Gould
Written by: Jimmy Perry, David Croft

Things get worse for Lord Meldrum when Sir Ralph forgives Lady Agatha,
uncertainty about the future sees Mrs. Lipton make a huge decision, and Lady Lavender asks Ivy to sell her jewellery and buy the rubber company.

"Well, of course they're real! This was given to me by my father on my 21st birthday. For being a good girl. And that was given to me by the Turkish ambassador. For not being a good girl."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

LORD GEORGE
MELDRUM

Played by Donald Hewlett
26 episodes (1988-1993)
in... Please Help the Orphans (S3E1)

THE HONOURABLE
TEDDY MELDRUM

Played by Michael Knowles
26 episodes (1988-1993)
in... Beg, Steal or Borrow (S1E5)

LADY LAVENDER
SOUTHWICK

Played by Mavis Pugh
26 episodes (1988-1993)
in... Labour or Love (S2E1)

CECILY 'CISSY'
MELDRUM

Played by Catherine Rabett
26 episodes (1988-1993)
in... Love and Money (S1E3)

POPPY
MELDRUM

Played by Susie Brann
26 episodes (1988-1993)
in... The Meldrum Vases (S2E4)

ALF STOKES,
THE BUTLER

Played by Paul Shane
26 episodes (1988-1993)
in... Mrs. Lipton's Nasty turn (S3E3)

JAMES TWELVETREES,
THE FOOTMAN

Played by Jeffrey Holland
26 episodes (1988-1993)
in... Money Talks (S2E3)

MRS. BLANCHE LIPTON,
THE COOK

Played by Brenda Cowling
26 episodes (1988-1993)
in... The Phantom Sign Writer (S1E1)

IVY TEASDALE,
THE MAID

Played by Su Pollard
26 episodes (1988-1993)
in... Meet the Workers (S3E4)

HENRY LIVINGSTONE,
THE BOOTBOY

Played by Perry Benson
26 episodes (1988-1993)
in... Fair Shares (S1E4)

MABEL WHEELER,
THE CHARLADY

Played by Barbara New
26 episodes (1988-1993)
in... Current Affairs (S3E2)

CONSTABLE
WILSON

Played by Bill Pertwee
26 episodes (1988-1993)
in... Trouble at Mill (S2E2)

LADY AGATHA
SHAWCROSS

Played by Angela Scoular
18 episodes (1988-1993)
in... Love and Money (S1E3)

MADGE
CARTWRIGHT

Played by Yvonne Marsh
17 episodes (1988-1993)
in... Royal Flush (S2E7)

SIR RALPH
SHAWCROSS

Played by John Horsley
15 episodes (1990-1993)
in... The Wounds of War (S2E5)

CHARLES,
THE LORD BISHOP

Played by Frank Williams
14 episodes (1990-1993)
in... Yes Sir, That;s My Baby! (S4E1)

JERRY

Played by John D. Collins
10 episodes (1988-1993)
in... Please Help the Orphans (S3E1)

ROSE

Played by Amanda Bellamy
8 episodes (1990-1993)
in... Labour or Love (S2E1)

PENELOPE
BARRINGTON-BLAKE

Played by Sorel Johnson
7 episodes (1990-1993)
in... Requiem for a Parrot (S4E2)

MR.
PEARSON

Played by Felix Bowness
5 episodes (1990-1993)
in... Gretna Green or Bust (S3E5)

MR.
FOSTER

Played by Michael Lees
5 episodes (1990-1993)
in... Trouble at Mill (S2E2)

JOCK
MACGREGOR

Played by Stuart McGugan
5 episodes (1990-1993)
in... Meet the Workers (S3E4)

MR.
BARNES

Played by Ivor Roberts
4 episodes (1990-1993)
in... Labour or Love (S2E1)

ROBIN,
THE CHAPLAIN

Played by Robbie Barnett
4 episodes (1990-1993)
in... Royal Flush (S2E7)

SELFRIDGE

Played by Hugh Lloyd
3 episodes (1991-1993)
in... The Truth Revealed (S4E4)