British Comedy: The Catherine Tate Show

Years: 2004-2015
Broadcaster: BBC
Genre: Sketch, Sitcom (Nan)
Written by: Catherine Tate, Aschlin Ditta,
Gordon Anderson, Derren Litten, Mathew Horne,
Arthur Mathews, Jonathan Harvey,
Jenny Lecoat, Bruce Mackinnon
Stars: Catherine Tate, Mathew Horne
Episodes: 24*
Episode Average: 5.417

BEST EPISODES:
Nan (2014), Nan's Christmas Carol (2009)

*including Nan specials

SERIES ONE

(2004)
6 episodes
Series Score: 32
Episode Average: 5.33
Perfect 10's: 0

S1E1

EPISODE 1

Originally broadcast: 16 February 2004
Directed by: Gordon Anderson
Written by: Catherine Tate, Derren Litten,
Arthur Mathews, Mathew Horne, Aschlin Ditta

SKETCHES:
Margaret: Breakfast --- Not Drunk Enough --- Lauren: Bing Bing
It's a Wrap: Botox --- Nan: Home Help
The Aga Saga Woman: Egg --- New Parents: Party
Kate and Ellen: Weight --- Margaret: Lost Phone
New Parents: Starter --- Kate and Ellen: Extras
Paul & Sam: Spaniel --- New Parents: Card
Margaret --- The Enigmatic Cop: Scrapyard
Kate and Ellen: Flat --- The Enigmatic Cop: Jaffa Cakes

"Have you seen this? That fat girl off Emmerdale. Huge Big Frame."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E2

EPISODE 2

Originally broadcast: 23 February 2004
Directed by: Gordon Anderson
Written by: Catherine Tate, Derren Litten,
Mathew Horne, Aschlin Ditta

SKETCHES:
Margaret: Birthday Card --- Information Point: Lost Mother
Nurse Bernie: Photocopier --- Margaret: Post-It Note
Nan: Jean's Husband --- Information Point: Jumper
Paul & Sam: Missed Delivery --- Drunk Estate Agent
Lauren: Party --- Elaine Figgis: Loving a Cannibal
Information Point: Glazier --- Nan: Piccalilli
Margaret: Microwave --- Elaine Figgis: Off to America

"As Danny Kaye once said, 'You can't love the world until you've settle for yourself. Or as my dad used to say, 'The man who can give himself a hug every day truly has the arms of a gibbon.'"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E3

EPISODE 3

Originally broadcast: 1 March 2004
Directed by: Gordon Anderson
Written by: Catherine Tate, Derren Litten, Arthur Mathews

SKETCHES:
Lauren: Last Stop --- The Aga Saga Woman: Olive Oil
Margaret: Sneeze --- The Enigmatic Cop: Warehouse
Paul & Sam: On Me Own --- Bunty Carmichael: 25 Years
Valley Girl: Oh! --- Nurse Bernie: New Nurse --- Valley Girl: Slut!
Nan: Window Cleaner --- Margaret: Hiccups
Elaine Figgis: Wedding Day --- Valley Girl: F*** You!
Margaret: Crisps

"He had to go and do the nursing home? What do they care, all that silly lot? Half of 'em are sitting in their own piss, the rest of 'em are smearing the walls with shit! What do they care if their windows are clean or not?"

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E4

EPISODE 4

Originally broadcast: 8 March 2004
Directed by: Gordon Anderson
Written by: Catherine Tate, Derren Litten, Aschlin Ditta

SKETCHES:
Paul & Sam: Zimbabwe --- Backhander Woman: Windscreen
Bunty Carmichael: It's Over --- Paul & Sam: Cafetière
Backhander Woman: Vegetarian Lasagne --- New Parents: Lost
Paul & Sam: Human Resources --- Kate and Ellen: Kids
Backhander Woman: Mime Artist --- Lauren: Excused
Kate and Ellen: Holiday --- Nan: Meals on Wheels
Kate and Ellen: Sandwich --- New Parents: Dance

"12? Who has 12 kids? She's a woman, not a cat!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E5

EPISODE 5

Originally broadcast: 15 March 2004
Directed by: Gordon Anderson
Written by: Catherine Tate, Derren Litten,
Arthur Mathews, Mathew Horne

SKETCHES:
Sandra Graham: Boardroom --- The Aga Saga Woman: Brie
Sandra Graham: Lift --- Lady Clown: Original
Sandra Graham: Ladies' --- Nurse Bernie: Sick Mother
Sandra Graham: Accident --- Bunty Carmichael: Frightening the Kids
Lady Clown: Face Painting --- Sandra Graham: Ambulance
Martin Webb --- Lady Clown: Balloons --- The Enigmatic Cop: Riverside
Sandra Graham: Hospital --- Nan: Pound Shop
Sandra Graham: Funeral --- Bunty Carmichael: Twirling

"I would've that would've made it easier... Think about it Whittaker. How many people in London do you know without heads or fingerprints? Anyone like that would stick out a mile."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E6

EPISODE 6

Originally broadcast: 22 February 2004
Directed by: Gordon Anderson
Written by: Catherine Tate, Derren Litten,
Mathew Horne, Bruce Mackinnon, Aschlin Ditta

SKETCHES:
Margaret: Restaurant --- Kate and Ellen: Cornwall
Elaine Figgis: Execution --- Kate and Ellen: Run
Nurse Bernie: Assessment --- Lauren: Ryan
Margaret: Call Me Back --- Bunty Carmichael: Restraining Order
Margaret: Champagne --- Kate and Ellen: Thinking
Nan: I Am What I Am

"Calling the poor child Tesco's! Oh, I said, 'Don't call it Tesco's, darling, whatever you do, it'll have enough fucking problems looking like that.'"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

COMIC RELIEF

(2005)

SPECIAL

COMIC RELIEF 2005

Originally broadcast: 11 March 2005
Written by: Catherine Tate

SKETCHES:
Lauren: McFly

"Why are you so rubbish?"

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

SERIES TWO

(2005)
6 episodes
Series Score: 33*
Episode Average: 5.50
Perfect 10's: 0
*not including special

S2E1

EPISODE 1

Originally broadcast: 21 July 2005
Directed by: Gordon Anderson
Written by: Catherine Tate, Derren Litten,
Mathew Horne, Aschlin Ditta

SKETCHES:
Lauren: School Trip --- Derek Faye: Doctor
Sandra Kemp: Bigotry --- Ally: Facial Hair
Janice & Ray: Mushroom Soup --- Paul & Sam: Scratch Card
Sandra Kemp: Refuge --- Ally: Stutter --- Sheila Carter: Funeral
Nan: Television Repairman --- Sandra Kemp: Safe Haven

"'Shit-ache' mushrooms, dried... Now I've eaten everything, right? From Whitby crab to gammon with pineapple on it, so I'm not squeamish. But I am not eating anything that has got 'dried shit' in the title. No way!"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E2

EPISODE 2

Originally broadcast: 28 July 2005
Directed by: Gordon Anderson
Written by: Catherine Tate, Aschlin Ditta

SKETCHES:
Aga Saga Woman: Geordie Nanny --- Sheila Carter: Taxi
Lauren: New Top --- Moo Shepherd: New Dog --- Nurse Bernie: Hypnosis
Amanda from BBJ's: Freaky Fries --- Kate and Ellen: Salsa Class
Moo Shepherd: Problems --- Irene & Vern: Desmond Tutu
Nan: Doctor's Surgery --- Kate and Ellen: Pizza Express
Moo Shepherd: Championship

"Sorry I'm late, Mr. Hicks, but I've got a bit of a personal problem for which I was told to apply live yoghurt. Well, I could only find a Müller Crunch Corner, so you can imagine the chaffing I've had all morning."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E3

EPISODE 3

Originally broadcast: 4 August 2005
Directed by: Gordon Anderson
Written by: Catherine Tate, Aschlin Ditta

SKETCHES:
DI Angie Barker --- Ally: Birthmark --- Ivan & Trudy: Get Knotted
Lauren: Gym --- Derek Faye: Record Shop
Paul & Sam: Wrong Number --- Janice & Ray: Cheese Sandwich
Ivan & Trudy: Discretion --- Ally: Cleft Palate
Amanda from BBJ's: Boogie Dog --- Ivan & Trudy: Undelivered
Nan: Hospital --- Amanda from BBJ's: Dancing

"Right! That's it! Just because a man takes care of his appearance, you don't expect him to be accused of being a back-door Deirdre!"

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 3

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E4

EPISODE 4

Originally broadcast: 11 August 2005
Directed by: Gordon Anderson
Written by: Catherine Tate, Aschlin Ditta

SKETCHES:
Nan: Cheryl --- Derek Faye: Travel Agent --- Drunk Bride: Dull
Crap Croupier: Black --- Amanda from BBJ's: Jungle Pizza
Kate and Ellen: Hairdresser --- Crap Croupier: Stop
Drunk Bride: Contraception --- Sheila Carter: Confession Box
Lauren: Tattoo --- Crap Croupier: Ball --- Irene & Vern: Gorbachev
Drunk Bride: Groom's Family --- Kate and Ellen: Theatre
Drunk Bride: Champagne

"Whatever it is inside that's troubling you, just let it go. Just let it go."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E5

EPISODE 5

Originally broadcast: 18 August 2005
Directed by: Gordon Anderson
Written by: Catherine Tate, Aschlin Ditta

SKETCHES:
Paul & Sam: Fancy Dress --- Elaine Figgis: Internet Chat Room
Amanda from BBJ's: Hot Hot Hot Burger --- New Parents: Alphabet Game
Nurse Bernie: New Surgeon --- Elaine Figgis: Mohammed
Nan: Funeral --- Sheila Carter: Cinema --- Irene & Vern: Madonna
Elaine Figgis: Money --- Lauren: Detention --- Elaine Figgis: Airport

"I mean, for example, this is the picture I use online. Now strictly speaking, that isn't actually me. It's my friend Cath's daughter, but we're both Sagittarius with Gemini rising, so you can't get much closer than that."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E6

EPISODE 2

Originally broadcast: 25 August 2005
Directed by: Gordon Anderson
Written by: Catherine Tate, Jenny LeCoat, Aschlin Ditta

SKETCHES:
Ally: Age Difference --- Janice & Ray: Vegetable Tempura
Derek Faye: Newsagent --- Kate and Ellen: Swear Words
It's a Wrap: Boob Job Babe --- Lauren: Gay
Paul & Sam: Having You On --- Janice & Ray: Escargot
Ally: Sign Language --- Kate and Ellen: Pay Rise
Nan: Tommy Upson

"Stop tossing!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

SPECIAL

(2005)

SPECIAL

CHRISTMAS SHOW

Originally broadcast: 20 December 2005
Directed by: Christine Gernon
Written by: Catherine Tate

SKETCHES:
Nan: A Touch of Frost --- Derek Faye: Panto --- Ally: Hat
Lauren: Audition --- Margaret: Christmas Lights
Janice & Ray: Caribbean Curry --- Crap Croupier: Dizzy
Margaret: Still Flashing --- Nurse Bernie: Arthur
The Enigmatic Cop: Informer --- Janice & Ray: Haggis
Paul & Sam: Secret Santa --- Margaret: Hair --- Nan: OAP Dinner

"Now, wait a minute. You're not lumping me in the same category as this mad fanny basher!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

SERIES THREE

(2006)
6 episodes
Series Score: 22*
Episode Average: 3.67
Perfect 10's: 0
*not including special

S3E1

EPISODE 1

Originally broadcast: 14 October 2006
Directed by: Gordon Anderson
Written by: Catherine Tate, Aschlin Ditta, Gordon Anderson

SKETCHES:
Lauren: Billy's Burger Bar --- The Aga Saga Woman: Egg & Spoon Race
Ulster Mum: Gay --- Nan: Dolly & Tommy --- Helen Marsh: Tennis
Ulster Mum: Magazine --- Geordie Georgie: chinnedbythemissus
Ulster Mum: Neighbour --- Helen Marsh: Curling
Ulster Mum: Turn-Ups --- Nan: Teddy Morris
Helen Marsh: Translator --- Ulster Mum: March

"Look at my face. Does it look bovvered?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E2

EPISODE 2

Originally broadcast: 21 October 2006
Directed by: Gordon Anderson
Written by: Catherine Tate, Aschlin Ditta, Gordon Anderson

SKETCHES:
Derek Faye: Homolulu --- Lauren: Cheerleading
Irene & Vern: Condoleezza Rice --- Life at Ma's: 1951
Helen Marsh: Salsa --- Geordie Georgie: bummedbytheboss
Life at Ma's: Saturday Surprise --- Helen Marsh: Drummer
Nan: Mouse --- Lauren: Hey Mickey

"I bet he'd gone in me kitchen, greedy little git! It's already gnawed through a box of Ritz. Now, don't get me wrong, they are very moreish, but he ain't got to eat them all."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E3

EPISODE 3

Originally broadcast: 28 October 2006
Directed by: Gordon Anderson
Written by: Catherine Tate, Aschlin Ditta, Gordon Anderson

SKETCHES:
Nan: New Neighbour --- Elaine Figgis: Baby
Geordie Georgie: christivelefttheironon --- Janice & Ray: Gazpacho
Elaine Figgis: Sperm Bank --- Nurse Bernie: Brenda and Bridie
Elaine Figgis: Pregnant --- Derek Faye: Bonnie Langford
Elaine Figgis: Overdue --- Lauren: Proposal --- Elaine Figgis: Karaoke

"OAX 3902. Oh! Oh, now he sounds perfect. BSc from Doncaster. I've been to Doncaster. The accent grates on me."

HOLY GODIVA 1 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 2

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E4

EPISODE 4

Originally broadcast: 4 November 2006
Directed by: Gordon Anderson
Written by: Catherine Tate, Aschlin Ditta, Gordon Anderson

SKETCHES:
Geordie Georgie: ifuckingloveyou --- Laura Powers: Hijacked
Derek Faye: Wedding Reception --- Sandra Kemp: I Am Ginger
Laura Powers: Afghan Cave --- Irene & Vern: Abba
The Aga Saga Woman: Courtesy Car --- Nurse Bernie: Nu-Nu
Laura Kemp: Prisoners --- Lauren: Periodic Table
Laura Powers: Option Red --- Sandra Kemp: Sorry

"No, see, no. No, I hate that word, Sister. I can't bring myself to say it. See, my sister's called Virginia and I often get the two confused. I had a necklace made for her when she was eight with her name on it, but it wasn't her name, it was the other thing. And, well, you can imagine it all got rather ugly, Sister. I daren't tell you what happened with our Clint. "

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E5

EPISODE 5

Originally broadcast: 11 November 2006
Directed by: Gordon Anderson
Written by: Catherine Tate, Aschlin Ditta, Gordon Anderson

SKETCHES:
Lauren: French Oral Exam --- Snack Food Woman: Flat
Frankie Howerd Impressionist: Romantic Scene
Geordie Georgie: hownicetomeetyou --- The Aga Saga Woman: Tottenham
Janice & Ray: Rice Lite --- Snack Food Woman: Getting Married
Derek Faye: Gents --- Janice & Ray: Jellied Eels
Irene & Vern: Henry VIII --- Snack Food Woman: Sea
Nan: The Paul O'Grady Show --- Frankie Howerd Impressionist: Labour

"Regardez mon visage. Est-ce que mon visage bovèred?"

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E6

EPISODE 6

Originally broadcast: 18 November 2006
Directed by: Gordon Anderson
Written by: Catherine Tate, Aschlin Ditta,
Gordon Anderson, Jonathan Harvey

SKETCHES:
Lauren: Wedding --- Janice & Ray: No-Bread Sandwich
Derek Faye: Massage --- Geordie Georgie: noimnotsittingdown
Paul & Sam: Ringtones --- Geordie Georgie: theshoesontheotherfoot
The Aga Saga Woman: Gooseberry & Cinnamon Yoghurt
Paul & Sam: Earring --- Janice & Ray: Sushi --- Nan: Aunt Junie

"Oh, look, it was different years ago, son. I mean, yes, they boiled people alive in vats of burning oil. Yes, they sent people to their death in concrete slippers. Yes, they'd cut your head off for eating one of their biscuits. But they were very good to their mothers, and you could leave your back door wide open. Not that you'd want to with that fucking mob running about."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 1
TOTAL: 3

SPECIAL

(2007)

SPECIAL

CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

Originally broadcast: 25 December 2007
Directed by: Gordon Anderson
Written by: Catherine Tate, Aschlin Ditta, Gordon Anderson

SKETCHES:
Nan: Family Christmas --- Ulster Mum: Mass
Nurse Bernie: George Michael
Janice & Ray: Filet de Saumon avec Potato Dauphinoise
Lauren: Spitting Lyrics --- Ulster Mum: Presents
Geordie Georgie: justoffforaspininthecarlove
Life at Mars: Holiday --- Ulster Mum: Christmas Lights
Paul & Sam: Vodka Lime Soda Straw --- Ulster Mum: Patrick
Lauren: Kayaking --- Nurse Bernie: Fairytale of New York
Lauren: In Loving Memory

"No, darling, no, I don't mind. You can Quickfit go and have a nice drink."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

COMIC RELIEF

(2007)

SPECIAL

COMIC RELIEF 2007

Originally broadcast: 16 March 2007
Written by: Catherine Tate, Aschlin Ditta,
Gordon Anderson, Jonathan Harvey

SKETCHES:
Lauren: Are You the Doctor? (with David Tennant)
Geordie Georgie: starvingtodeath (with Lenny Henry)
Elaine Figgis: BondBoy68 (with Daniel Craig)
Lauren: Work Experience (with Tony Blair)
Nan: Deal or No Deal (with Noel Edmonds)

"Is this a bovvered face that sits before thee?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

SPECIAL

(2009)

SPECIAL

NAN'S CHRISTMAS CAROL

Originally broadcast: 25 December 2009
Directed by: Gordon Anderson
Written by: Catherine Tate, Aschlin Ditta, Gordon Anderson

Nan's late husband visits her after she kicks the Cratchits into the cold, the Ghost of Christmas Past fails to impress when he floats into the flat, and the Ghost of Present blames her for the untimely death of Tiny Tim.

"Mobile library of the Sudan? The mobile library of the Su-fucking-dan? Have a look. Have a look. The man ain't got no shoes. What's he gonna do with Harry Potter and the Goblet of the fucking Fire?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

SPECIAL

(2014)

SPECIAL

NAN

Originally broadcast: 4 January 2014
Directed by: Geoff Posner
Written by: Catherine Tate, Brett Goldstein, Dan Swimer

Nan gets a new buddy when Jamie goes to do volunteer work in Namibia, going to the council about a broken tap leads to community service, and a repeat performance sees her back in hospital on toilet cleaning duty.

"Security? I'm 75 years old. What do you think I'm gonna do? Knit you another sign that says, 'Go and fuck yourself'?"

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

SPECIALS

(2015)

SPECIAL

NAN:
NANGER MANAGEMENT

Originally broadcast: 27 December 2015
Directed by: Geoff Posner
Written by: Catherine Tate, Brett Goldstein, Dan Swimer

Nan gets fitted with an electronic tag after an assault on a blind veteran, Jamie tells her to do an anger management course to avoid prison, and the therapist warns her what will happen if she keeps being disruptive.

"I'm frightened out of me mind. I mean, you can't let 'em bang me up, son. I mean, look at me. Those inmates will have a field day on a prime bit of cougar like me."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

SPECIAL

NAN:
KNEES UP WILMOTT-BROWN

Originally broadcast: 30 December 2015
Directed by: Geoff Posner
Written by: Catherine Tate, Brett Goldstein, Dan Swimer

A property developer looks to convert the flats into luxury apartments, Nan joins the enemy after being rejected by the Residents Association, and a fall out over a last muffin leads to a complete change of position.

"After all I've done for you. All the he secrets I've kept. I've never told anyone what a crusty old whore you are."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

SOME OF HER CHARACTERS:

THE AGA SAGA WOMAN

in... The Aga Saga Woman: Egg (S1E1)

NURSE BERNIE

in... Nurse Bernie: Assessment (S1E6)

JOANNIE 'NAN' TAYLOR

in... Nan: Television Repairman (S2E1)

LAUREN COOPER

in... Lauren: New Top (S2E2)

GEORDIE GEORGIE

in... Geordie Georgie: christivelefttheironon (S3E3)

DEREK FAYE

in... Derek Faye: Gents (S3E5)

MATHEW
HORNE

24 episodes (2005-2009)
in... Lauren: Wedding (S3E6)

Also appeared in the 2005 Comic Relief sketch

NIKY
WARDLEY

24 episodes (2004-2015)
in... Lauren: Ryan (S1E6)

Also appeared in 2005 and 2007 Comic Relief sketches

ASCHLIN
DITTA

13 episodes (2005-2009)
in... Sheila Kemp: Sorry (S3E4)

ANGELA
McHALE

13 episodes (2004-2006)
in... Amanda from BBJ's: Boogie Dog (S2E3)

ELLA
KENION

10 episodes (2004-2005)
in... Kate and Ellen: Run (S1E6)

DERREN
LITTEN

10 episodes (2004-2005)
in... Vegetarian Tempura (S2E6)

Also appeared in a 2007 Comic Relief sketch

LEE
ROSS

10 episodes (2004-2007)
in... Paul & Sam: Missed Delivery (S1E2)

JONATHAN
McGUINNESS

9 episodes (2004-2006)
in... The Enigmatic Cop: Warehouse (S1E3)

RICHARD
LUMSDEN

8 episodes (2006-2009)
in... Geordie Georgie: bummedbytheboss (S3E2)

Also appeared in the 2007 Comic Relief sketches

REBECCA
FRONT

7 episodes (2004-2006)
(voice only)

ANDY
DENNEHY

6 episodes (2005-2006)
in... Irene & Vern: Henry VIII (S3E5)

BRIAN
MURPHY

6 episodes (2005-2006)
in... Irene & Vern: Desmond Tutu (S1E2)

CHARLIE
HICKS

5 episodes (2005-2006)
in... The Aga Saga Woman: Courtesy Car (S3E4)