British Comedy: The Brittas Empire

Years: 1991-1997
Broadcaster: BBC
Genre: Sitcom
Written by: Richard Fegen, Andrew Norriss,
Ian Davidson, Tony Millan, Mike Walling,
Peter Vincent, Terry Kyan, Paul Smith
Stars: Chris Barrie, Harriet Thorpe
Episodes: 52
Episode Average: 7.231*

BEST EPISODES:
Not a Good Day (1994), High Noon (1994)

*including Christmas specials

SERIES ONE

(1991)
6 episodes
Series Score: 47
Episode Average: 7.83
Perfect 10's: 1

S1E1

LAYING THE FOUNDATIONS

Originally broadcast: 3 January 1991
Directed by: Mike Stephens
Written by: Richard Fegen, Andrew Norriss

Mrs. Brittas tries to explain her husband's behaviour to a new neighbour, a chat with a builder at the leisure centre leads to talk of a strike, and the new staff roster is just one in a series of first day teething troubles.

"Well, for a start, you can tell him that once his men are prepared to moderate their language, they can have their shovels back."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E2

OPENING DAY

Originally broadcast: 17 January 1991
Directed by: Mike Stephens
Written by: Richard Fegen, Andrew Norriss

Brittas prepares his staff for the official opening of the leisure centre, the builders fail to report that the swimming pool lining has a crack in it, and problems with the automatic doors and boiler send temperatures rising.

"This is a leisure centre for the community, Colin, we can't have people strolling in off the street."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E3

BYE BYE BABY

Originally broadcast: 24 January 1991
Directed by: Mike Stephens
Written by: Richard Fegen, Andrew Norriss

Talk of a reconciliation with her husband has a positive impact on Carole, a guest speaker arrives to do a presentation on the subject of stress, and a worried mother finds that her baby has gone missing from the toilets.

"Listen, dickhead, I've been invited to give a lecture here, and unless you tell me in the next thirty seconds where I'm supposed to go, I'm gonna take you outside and set fire to you."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E4

UNDERWATER WEDDING

Originally broadcast: 31 January 1991
Directed by: Mike Stephens
Written by: Richard Fegen, Andrew Norriss

A job interview is halted when a best man gets trapped in the pool, Helen spends her wedding anniversary talking about how she met Gordon, and a drunk creates havoc by charging around the centre in an invalid car.

"You can't go around ripping off doors just because a woman is going to have a baby."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E5

STOP THIEF

Originally broadcast: 7 February 1991
Directed by: Mike Stephens
Written by: Richard Fegen, Andrew Norriss

Colin has a battle with his bladder after eating a little too much fennel, Gordon opens an investigation into a series of thefts at the centre, and Helen's doctor insists that marriage guidance is the only way forward.

"Who's stolen the biscuit pencil?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S1E6

ASSASSIN

Originally broadcast: 14 February 1991
Directed by: Mike Stephens
Written by: Richard Fegen, Andrew Norriss

Gordon worries about the car after Helen is injured in a road accident, a mysterious assassin has no luck as he prowls around the corridors, and Gavin protests at being given too many stars in the Staff Courtesy Cup.

"They said it was possible but if it was, it was a squirrel with a hacksaw."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 9

SERIES TWO

(1992)
7 episodes
Series Score: 54
Episode Average: 7.71
Perfect 10's: 2

S2E1

BACK FROM THE DEAD

Originally broadcast: 2 January 1992
Directed by: Mike Stephens
Written by: Richard Fegen, Andrew Norriss

Business picks up at the centre when Gordon goes on a trip to Bulgaria, Helen announces that an accident means that he won't be returning, and a voice from beyond the grave leads to speculation about a new body.

"I don't want your body, Carole. I'm a little bit beyond things like that at the moment, thank you very much."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E2

TEMPLE OF THE BODY

Originally broadcast: 9 January 1992
Directed by: Mike Stephens
Written by: Richard Fegen, Andrew Norriss

Gordon looks to stamp out intimacy after finding underwear in his office, Carole tries to find the identity of the man who made her pregnant, and Julie becomes the target of the press after a moment of naked heroism.

"Carole, is that really the way we greet the public? How can you offer to help people at the same time as being sick in a bucket?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E3

AN INSPECTOR CALLS

Originally broadcast: 16 January 1992
Directed by: Mike Stephens
Written by: Richard Fegen, Andrew Norriss

Gordon prepares his staff for a visit from the southern areas inspector, Colin announces that a pigeon is making a mess in the gymnasium, and Helen decides to take action after receiving an unexpected birthday gift.

"It was a simple accident, Gilbert. I can quite understand you're upset, but that's no excuse for attacking me or my staff with a dead eagle."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E4

SET IN CONCRETE

Originally broadcast: 23 January 1992
Directed by: Mike Stephens
Written by: Richard Fegen, Andrew Norriss

Gordon's feet are set in concrete after an argument with the Rotary Club, a building specialist is employed to investigate unexplained violence, and Carole feels left out when Ben manages to find a new friend to play with.

"I've been trying to think what you remind me of. Put you in a pair of shorts and we'll be all set for a game of Subbuteo"

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E5

MUMS AND DADS

Originally broadcast: 30 January 1992
Directed by: Mike Stephens
Written by: Richard Fegen, Andrew Norriss

Gordon's father waits to be shown around after delivering an old piano, the centre is prepared for a charity concert featuring a Russian pianist, and a welded in coffee machine threatens to spoil the whole evening.

"How you going to have a dream come true?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E6

SAFETY FIRST

Originally broadcast: 13 February 1992
Directed by: Mike Stephens
Written by: Richard Fegen, Andrew Norriss

Colin refuses to stay dead during a ridiculously complicated fire drill, Carole's given an opportunity of a life in Australia with an ex-boyfriend, and Helen prepares a special dinner in an effort to give up the pills.

"I assure you, my darling, ordinary women do not go around putting soup into plastic bags and handing it to Colin."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S2E7

NEW GENERATIONS

Originally broadcast: 20 February 1992
Directed by: Mike Stephens
Written by: Richard Fegen, Andrew Norriss

Gordon's not too happy when Colin brings a box of herbs into the centre, the staff learn that they are to be questioned about Carole's pregnancy, and a cow goes into labour after making it to a first floor squash court.

"Don't let her undress for heaven's sake, Laura, it's probably the only thing keeping it in."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

SERIES THREE

(1993)
6 episodes
Series Score: 41
Episode Average: 6.83
Perfect 10's: 0

S3E1

THE TRIAL

Originally broadcast: 7 January 1993
Directed by: Mike Stephens
Written by: Richard Fegen, Andrew Norriss

Brittas is accused of murdering six men and being in possession of drugs, the court hear how a superglue prankster lay traps around the centre, and Gavin and Tim explain how two briefcases were found in lockers.

"You leave an unsupervised chainsaw in a public area? Just supposing some small child came in here, mistook it for part of his Fisher-Price woodworking set, and ran off into Tumble Tots to show his friends. You'd have a carnage on your hands, wouldn't you?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E2

THAT CREEPING FEELING

Originally broadcast: 14 January 1993
Directed by: Mike Stephens
Written by: Richard Fegen, Andrew Norriss

Brittas learns that a self-improvement plan saw him sent to Coventry, the staff ask Colin about a box of leaves that arrived in the post, and a psychologist is brought in to identify the cause of high anxiety levels.

"Laura, have you any idea how long it took me to prepare those files? My wife didn't see me for three months! Fortunately, she was very brave and cheerful about it actually."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E3

LAURA'S LEAVING

Originally broadcast: 21 January 1993
Directed by: Mike Stephens
Written by: Richard Fegen, Andrew Norriss

Brittas prepares to welcome Sebastian Coe to a conference at the centre, Helen goes into a panic at the idea of Laura getting a job elsewhere, and Colin struggles with simple instructions after suffering a concussion.

"I'm afraid I've only just got in, Mr. Brittas, I had a slight accident on my rowing machine. I later found the trouble was, I'd lost a rowlock."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E4

TWO LITTLE BOYS

Originally broadcast: 28 January 1993
Directed by: Mike Stephens
Written by: Richard Fegen, Andrew Norriss

A lack of heating oil poses a threat to the anniversary swimming gala, Gordon's brother has a crisis ahead of taking a new role in Beirut, and Laura tells the staff the truth about a party of thirty-six from Guildford.

"Well, mine says, 'I've been to Whitbury Leisure Centre and swum in the poo'."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E5

SEX, LIES & RED TAPE

Originally broadcast: 4 February 1993
Directed by: Mike Stephens
Written by: Richard Fegen, Andrew Norriss

The staff try to raise £2500 to pay for a new trampoline for the centre, an American makes a nuisance of himself by demanding to see Laura, and Gordon's horrified to learn that his wife has been on a shoplifting spree.

"Mr. Brittas! Mr. Brittas you've got to help! My balls are on fire! It's all my fault, Mr. Brittas. I was throwing them higher and higher than I intended, you see."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S3E6

THE STUFF OF DREAMS

Originally broadcast: 11 February 1993
Directed by: Mike Stephens
Written by: Richard Fegen, Andrew Norriss

Gordon gets into a fight in reception while disguised as a senior citizen, a worrying dream leads to a search for the most natural successor, and Helen's worst nightmares start coming true when she goes into labour.

"Yes, but it kept on sliding out. I don't know if it's a design fault or my own natural oils and juices."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

SERIES FOUR

(1994)
8 episodes
Series Score: 64
Episode Average: 8.00
Perfect 10's: 3

S4E1

NOT A GOOD DAY...

Originally broadcast: 10 January 1994
Directed by: Mike Stephens
Written by: Richard Fegen, Andrew Norriss

Tragedy strikes when an elderly man dies at the start of Life Cycle Week, an army of centurions take issue with the arrest of a young boy, and Sebastian Coe finds himself chained to a stair rail after opening a room.

"Julie, if you want to do something useful, you can help me find my leaflet on bereavement. It's called 'Losing a Loved One - 10 Ways to Look On the Bright Side'."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E2

THE CHRISTENING

Originally broadcast: 17 January 1994
Directed by: Mike Stephens
Written by: Richard Fegen, Andrew Norriss

Gordon conducts a confusing christening rehearsal in the sports hall, a search gets underway when Helen realises that she's lost her babies, and Horatio's new girlfriend pays heavily for comments about bad parenting.

"Colin, would you mind going outside and lying in front of the minibus please?"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E3

BIGGLES TELLS A LIE

Originally broadcast: 24 January 1994
Directed by: Mike Stephens
Written by: Richard Fegen, Andrew Norriss

Colin makes himself manager when his daughter visits from Tasmania, the reason for a boiler breakdown turns out to be Carole's kitten, and Julie finds a picture of Helen in the reader's wives section of a magazine.

"You mean the children's sandpit? Just for Ben to play with his little diggers. Oh dear, I appear to have left a toffee in there."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E4

MR. BRITTAS CHANGES TRAINS

Originally broadcast: 31 January 1994
Directed by: Mike Stephens
Written by: Richard Fegen, Andrew Norriss

Gordon looks to win a place on the European Leisure Industry Standards Committee, an outing to see a hypnotist leaves the staff acting strangely, and an attempt to cure Helen's muscle problems gives Laura an idea.

"She's never at her best in restaurants, Laura. She gets confused, nervous... I've seen her blow her nose on a bread roll."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E5

PLAYING WITH FIRE

Originally broadcast: 7 February 1994
Directed by: Mike Stephens
Written by: Richard Fegen, Andrew Norriss

Laura invites Brittas to supper when Helen goes on holiday without him, Colin develops a methane digester as part of Energy Conservation Week, and the staff are shocked when Gavin's fiancée turns up after five years.

"That's what I'm doing, Laura, finding out if it's feasible, and it is. I'm not just going through the motions."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E6

SHALL WE DANCE?

Originally broadcast: 14 February 1994
Directed by: Mike Stephens
Written by: Richard Fegen, Andrew Norriss

Gordon's choice of partner for the staff dance adds fuel to rumours of an affair, Laura's husband turns up after being left broke by his father, and Carole's first boyfriend arrives with a ring after seeing an ad in the paper.

"What if a disabled person came round that corner slightly too fast, lost control of his wheelchair, slid across the floor, and jammed two fingers up the electric socket?"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E7

THE CHOP

Originally broadcast: 28 February 1994
Directed by: Mike Stephens
Written by: Richard Fegen, Andrew Norriss

The staff are encouraged to plan for the future by playing a board game, the council offer Gordon a financial package in return for his resignation, and Helen makes things complicated by using petty cash to buy a dog.

"The dog got a little bit over-excited and he's done his business in the pool. Around about the eight foot mark."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S4E8

HIGH NOON

Originally broadcast: 6 March 1994
Directed by: Mike Stephens
Written by: Richard Fegen, Andrew Norriss

Gordon causes mayhem after taking a job as a petrol station attendant, the new manager at the leisure centre takes issue with his predecessor, and Laura's forced to evacuate the building after discovering a gas leak.

"Now, I want you to go down and fix that toilet, and all the time you're there with your hand up a bowl. I want you to say to yourself, 'I am being forged in the fire'."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

SERIES FIVE

(1994)
8 episodes
Series Score: 70*
Episode Average: 8.75
Perfect 10's: 4
*not including the Christmas special

S5E1

THE OLD, OLD STORY

Originally broadcast: 31 October 1994
Directed by: Mike Stephens
Written by: Richard Fegen, Andrew Norriss

The rebuilt leisure centre plays host to a recording of 'Songs of Praise', Counciller Drugget comes up with a plan to get rid of Gordon for good, and the staff suspect a serial killer when people start being attacked.

"I've had a bit of trouble with his new medication I'm taking for tension and stress. Basically, it's a muscle relaxant, you see, but unfortunately, it has tended to relax muscles that in an ideal world shouldn't relax at all."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E2

BLIND DEVOTION

Originally broadcast: 7 November 1994
Directed by: Mike Stephens
Written by: Richard Fegen, Andrew Norriss

Carole struggles to find anyone willing to fill in a pile of questionnaires, Helen tells Laura that she doesn't want to start again in Brussels, and Gordon chooses the wrong day to try and fire a temporarily blind Colin.

"I wonder, can you tell me... Was it a number one or a number two? Well, if it was a number one, there's a bucket behind the screen in the gymnasium. And if it was a number two, you want to follow the signs to the little wooded area by the dual carriageway. And if I could ask you return the spade in the condition that you's expect to find it."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E3

BRUSSELS CALLING

Originally broadcast: 14 November 1994
Directed by: Mike Stephens
Written by: Richard Fegen, Andrew Norriss

Gordon tries to run the centre over the phone while away in Brussels, Julie finds a lawyer for Helen when she's arrested for attempted murder, and a rat in a snacks machine turns out to be part of a larger infestation.

"Gavin, I don't think it helps the centre to have people telling the world that they've farted with Mr. Jolly."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E4

THE LIES HAVE IT

Originally broadcast: 21 November 1994
Directed by: Mike Stephens
Written by: Richard Fegen, Andrew Norriss

Gordon causes an unseen accident while talking about safety measures, the staff get in a tangle while spinning a lie about a birthday party, and Tim lashes out at Gavin after finding out about a management course.

"I'd take it with a pinch of salt if I were you, Laura. We've already had one go home saying he'd been burnt on the crotch by a lunchbox."

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 9

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E5

THE BOSS

Originally broadcast: 28 November 1994
Directed by: Mike Stephens
Written by: Richard Fegen, Andrew Norriss

Gordon puts Gavin through his paces after putting him in charge for the day, Helen tries to raise money so she can deal with an unwanted tattoo, and Carole's gentleman friend proposes to give her a place of her own.

"Really? Well, I have to be back by seven. Mr. Brittas is giving a lecture on how women can avoid having their lives being controlled by men... and he's very fussy if anyone's late."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E6

PREGNANT!

Originally broadcast: 5 Decemer 1994
Directed by: Mike Stephens
Written by: Richard Fegen, Andrew Norriss

Helen worries when a member of staff's drug test suggests pregnancy, Colin promises to stand by Carole when she gets news of her own, and Julie's left devastated when a misunderstanding ends her relationship.

"Carole, you cannot go on filling the drawers of reception with illegitimate children."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E7

UXB

Originally broadcast: 12 December 1994
Directed by: Mike Stephens
Written by: Richard Fegen, Andrew Norriss

Colin finds himself having to deal with an unexploded WWII bomb alone, Helen tells Laura that she has no intention of moving to Brussels, and Carole locks herself in a cupboard to stop her children being taken away.

"That's how we learn, Colin, by making mistakes. Go on, Colin, get out there and make a mistake."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S5E8

THE LAST DAY

Originally broadcast: 19 December 1994
Directed by: Mike Stephens
Written by: Richard Fegen, Andrew Norriss

Tim's tasked with filling up a newly installed emergency header tank, Laura has concerns about changes made to the reception cupboard, and Gordon explains how the Germans have threatened his job in Europe.

"I see you've used our usual engravers...
'IF YOU'RE FEELING LONELY, AND NEED CHEERING UP,
JUST POUR THE MILK AND PEE IN YOUR CUP.'"

HOLY GODIVA 4 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 8

CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

(1994)

SPECIAL

IN THE BEGINNING...

Originally broadcast: 27 December 1994
Directed by: Mike Stephens
Written by: Richard Fegen, Andrew Norriss

The staff of Whitbury New Town Leisure Centre head for a 2019 reunion, Laura tries to explain to her son why the event is so important, and the long journey allows time for a story about how they survived to see 1990.

"We're gonna die!! We're all gonna starve!! And then we're gonna freeze!! And then we're gonna die!!!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

SERIES SIX

(1996)
7 episodes
Series Score: 38*
Episode Average: 5.43
Perfect 10's: 0
*not including the Christmas special

S6E1

BACK WITH A BANG

Originally broadcast: 27 February 1996
Directed by: Mike Stephens
Written by: Ian Davidson, Peter Vincent

A rebuilt Gordon arrives back from the dead a day earlier than expected, Helen escapes from a mental health clinic to retrieve a revealing letter, and Carole struggles to deal with any mention of The Sound of Music.

"No, let's not have anything flat. When that huge water tank fell on Mr. Brittas, he looked like a chapatti. No, listen, when I last saw him, you could have slid him under that door."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E2

BODY LANGUAGE

Originally broadcast: 12 March 1996
Directed by: Mike Stephens
Written by: Tony Millan, Mike Walling

Gordon tries to illustrate the importance of unspoken communication, Helen moves her things to the centre after accidentally selling the house, and Colin thinks that aliens are taking over after crashing into the roof.

"Try it again, Carole. This time welcome me with your body."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E3

AT THE DOUBLE

Originally broadcast: 26 March 1996
Directed by: Mike Stephens
Written by: Ian Davidson, Peter Vincent

The Chattanooga Church insist on being allowed to perform a baptism in the pool, Gordon's confused by accusations of tickling Carole and Linda, and Penny offers Helen advice about how best to spice up her marriage.

"We went to a Vicar & Tarts party once. I went as a vicar and he went as a Bakewell tart."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E4

A WALK ON THE WILDSIDE

Originally broadcast: 2 April 1996
Directed by: Mike Stephens
Written by: Tony Millan, Mike Walling

Gordon finds that a public right of way goes straight through the centre, a competition winner tries to prove that he is the face in the crowd, and Helen gets a shock when a visiting swami turns out to be her husband.

"Well, would it help if I wet myself?"

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E5

WE ALL FALL DOWN

Originally broadcast: 9 April 1996
Directed by: Mike Stephens
Written by: Ian Davidson

Gordon organises things for a World Peace & Hunger fundraising event, Helen gets revenge when the twins are rejected for a nappy commercial, and Tim protests at earning less than everyone else by taking hostages.

"Ah, good, because they said they're not coming. Sergeant Curtis said if it was the Iraqis, he'd hope they'd kill you."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 4

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E6

MR. BRITTAS FALLS IN LOVE

Originally broadcast: 16 April 1996
Directed by: Mike Stephens
Written by: Terry Kyan

Gordon announces plans for a special Dolphin Day after a trip to Norway, Tim creates a new seafood menu after taking over in the canteen, and Linda organises a demonstration against keeping animals in captivity.

"Colin, be a bit sensitive, she's got a hideous speech impediment."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S6E7

SNAP HAPPY

Originally broadcast: 23 April 1996
Directed by: Mike Stephens
Written by: Paul Smith

Attempts to take a staff photograph are frustrated by constant delays, a nervous English Heritage inspector arrives to discuss Grade I listing, and Helen takes her therapist's advice by signing up for a parachute jump.

"Right, well, they said the next sunny interval with be at 11:35 and last twelve and a half minutes. There will then be a short shower which should just clear the Ford Sierra at the east end of the car park. I think they were being facetious."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

(1996)

SPECIAL

SURVIVING CHRISTMAS

Originally broadcast: 24 December 1996
Directed by: Mike Stephens
Written by: Tony Millan, Mike Walling

A Christmas card convinces Helen that Gordon is having an affair with Carole, Santa Claus reacts badly to news that he won't be needed at the centre, and the staff head off to a team-building survival course in Wales.

"Are you some sort of critic? It was the critics that destroyed me at the Theatre Royal, Northampton. They mocked my Micawber! They vilified my Vanya! They savaged my Bottom!"

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

SERIES SEVEN

(1997)
8 episodes
Series Score: 52
Episode Average: 7.43
Perfect 10's: 1

S7E1

THE ELEPHANT'S CHILD

Originally broadcast: 6 January 1997
Directed by: Mike Stephens
Written by: Ian Davidson, Peter Vincent

Gordon tells Colin to remove his pile of elephant dung from the car park, Julie goes into labour while helping Helen to steal her own fur coat, and Tim tries everything to get out of having to complete a bungee jump.

"I will be honoured to be his godfather. Or, if it's a girl... godmother."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E2

REVIEWING THE SITUATION

Originally broadcast: 13 January 1997
Directed by: Mike Stephens
Written by: Mike Walling, Tony Millan

Julie's followed by a rapid response unit after receiving death threats, the staff learn that they'll be writing each other's performance reviews, and Gordon ignores Tim after discovering the truth about his surname.

"Of course not. A professional receptionist is never upset in the course of her duties. She is trained to deal with every eventuality with courtesy, respect and patience... C.R.A.P. Mr. Brittas' mnemonic."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 2
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E3

ETC

Originally broadcast: 20 January 1997
Directed by: Mike Stephens
Written by: Paul Smith

Gordon announces that the whole centre has been fully computerised, Councillor Drugget hopes that huge funding will have been squandered, and the staff bring in a young computer expert in a bid to save their jobs.

"Locks? We don't have locks any more, Julie. We've got Time Instigated Totally Integrated Security. We've got 'TITTIS'."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E4

WAKE UP THE LION WITHIN

Originally broadcast: 6 January 1997
Directed by: Christine Gernon
Written by: Terry Kyan

Carole struggles with her alter ego after releasing her inner lion, Gordon makes changes in a bid to win the European Award of Excellence, and changes to management see the staff more miserable than ever before.

"I've already got a therapist, Mrs. Brittas. And as far as I know, most of the staff are in therapy, too. You see, with Mr. Brittas as your boss, you have to be."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 6

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S7E5

THE DISAPPEARING ACT

Originally broadcast: 3 February 1997
Directed by: Christine Gernon
Written by: Tony Millan, Mike Walling

Gordon raises concerns about an Employee of the Month competition, Helen struggles to find anybody interested in her dreams workshop, and Linda protests about the use of performing animals in Colin's magic act.

"Dreams Workshop tomorrow lunchtime. Now, it's purely voluntary, but everyone must attend... and I want you all to have a good dream tonight and bring it in with you tomorrow morning."

HOLY GODIVA 5 - ONION JACK 5
TOTAL: 10

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S7E6

GAVIN FEATHERLY R.I.P.

Originally broadcast: 10 February 1997
Directed by: Christine Gernon
Written by: Terry Kyan

Gordon reveals the destination chosen for the annual weekend away, Colin demonstrates his potato-powered lilo in the swimming pool, and Gavin gets lost at sea after a £10,000 demand tips him over the edge.

"He shrunk in the water."

HOLY GODIVA 2 - ONION JACK 3
TOTAL: 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S7E7

EXPOSED

Originally broadcast: 17 February 1997
Directed by: Christine Gernon
Written by: Paul Smith

Gordon prepares the staff for what he thinks is a TV documentary, Linda tries to raise the alarm about Colin letting rodents swim in the pool, and an attempt to keep a lid on an infectious disease makes matters worse.

"And why do you people in the media always focus on the negative side of things, when so much of what happens at this leisure centre is a success story? Last year, six hundred people visited this centre and nearly five hundred returned home without any loss of life or serious injury.."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

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S7E8

CURSE OF THE TIGER WOMEN

Originally broadcast: 24 February 1997
Directed by: Christine Gernon
Written by: Ian Davidson, Peter Vincent

Gavin sends Carole into a spin by suggesting the twins look like Gordon, Colin tries to deal with a dangerous build-up of gas in the stench pipe, and talk of a gypsy curse puts the staff off the anniversary fruitcake.

"Good news from the pool. The urine content is down to 9%."

HOLY GODIVA 3 - ONION JACK 4
TOTAL: 7

GORDON
BRITTAS

Played by Chris Barrie
52 episodes (1991-1997)
in... Sex, Lies & Red Tape (S3E5)

CAROLE
PARKINSON

Played by Harriet Thorpe
52 episodes (1991-1997)
in... Temple of the Body (S2E2)

COLIN
WEATHERBY

Played by Michael Burns
52 episodes (1991-1997)
in... Body Language (S6E2)

GAVIN
FEATHERLY

Played by Tim Marriott
52 episodes (1991-1997)
in... Set in Concrete (S2E4)

TIM
WHISTLER

Played by Russell Porter
52 episodes (1991-1997)
in... Brussels Calling (S5E3)

HELEN
BRITTAS

Played by Pippa Haywood
51 episodes (1991-1997)
in... Mums and Dads (S2E5)

LINDA
PERKINS

Played by Jill Greenacre
50 episodes (1991-1997)
in... Brussels Calling (S5E3)

JULIE
PORTER

Played by Judy Flynn
45 episodes (1992-1997)
in... Laura's Leaving (S3E3)

LAURA
LANCING

Played by Julia St. John
36 episodes (1991-1994)
in... The Christening (S4E2)

COUNCILLOR
JACK DRUGGETT

Played by Stephen Churchett
8 episodes (1994-1997)
in... Back With a Bang (S6E1)

PENNY
BIDMEAD

Played by Anouschka Menzies
7 episodes (1996)
in... At the Double (S6E3)

ANGIE

Played by Andrée Bernard
6 episodes (1991)
in... Assassin (S1E6)