Terror Blurbs! Pt. 1 (An Ever-Expanding List)

Plot: Three divergent paths of faith are confronted with an undeniable evil afflicting innocence.

The Exorcist is a beautifully scripted character drama before it is a horror film and for that reason the horror hits harder than you'd expect. Deeply credible characters, unforgettable imagery, and top notch direction are but a few things that make it deserving of every accolade ever laid upon it.

Plot: Years after going on a killing spree, Michael Myers returns to Haddonfield to complete his single-minded mission of murder.

One of the blueprints of slasher film, Carpenter's classic is a beautifully shot and lit exercise in minimalism. Be it the stark blankness of the villainous Michael Myers, the down home innocence of afflicted babysitter Laurie Strode, or the absolute determination of Dr. Loomis, the film manages to place your fears firmly on pure, inexplicable evil and leaves an indelible impression when contrasting that with its exact opposites. It's expounding on the abrupt and unfathomable impact of darkness presented here that the bulk of its sequels lost their way. A classic.

Plot: A continuation of Michael Myers murderous rampage from the previous film.

A rudimentary and unnecessary sequel to an absolute classic. Barring a few visually striking scenes, this movie adds nothing to the narrative. Worthless canon fodder characters, a barely-there story, and an overdependency on more extreme skills to justify a nothing plot. The lack of passion for this product is almost palpable.

Plot: A devious plot for mass ritual murder is uncovered behind the guise of an unsuspecting mask company.

Long overlooked but recently reappraised, this non-Myers Halloween installment proves to the best thing (aside from the original) that came from the original run of the franchise. Gung-ho with its bizarre and over the top nature and spearheaded by affable macho Tom Atkins, this grim plot throws everything at you from automatons to cults to apocalyptic plots. At times bonkers enough to cull fits of laughter (in the best way) and at others atmospheric and eerie, Season of the Witch deserves the cult it has cultivated.

Plot: An alternative timeline sequel to John Carpenter's classic that follows an aged and traumatized Laurie Strode facing the blank horror of her youth.

Reverent to the material and opting to skip forward decades to give us a story about relentless evil and the woman he forever scarred. Packing a brutal punch and equipped with a stellar score, this one was worth the wait.

Plot: Events that take place in the aftermath of the 2018 sequel, mainly centering on Michael Myers' effects on the town of Haddonfield.

A shapeless mass of ridiculous scenes, laughably piss poor dialogue, godawful character "development", repetitive and heavy handed plot pushing, eye rolling humor, and indecisive tone shifting. Though its intended as a bridge between movies it feels like a bunch of random nonsense stapled together by gory kills custom made to satiate the lowest common denominator. The few bright spots do not salvage this one.

Plot: A family becomes stranded in the Californian desert, soon becoming pray to a roving band of cannibal freaks.

Something of a mix between backwoods horror and atomic age monster tropes that, as a result, feels very much its own thing. Packed with some striking moments of shock and a gritty atmosphere, Hills works more as exploitation fare than overt classic.

Plot: A remake of the Wes Craven film of he same name.

One of a handful of flicks that strengthens the case for remakes. Honoring the source material while upping the production quality, the direction, the acting, the thrills, the effects, etc., this proves a brutally uncompromising and superior exercise.

Plot: A masked killer with a modus operandi dictated by horror movie tropes is on the lose in a small town.

"Scream" is a movie that managed to both take the piss out of and reinvigorate slasher movies, a sub-genre that had nearly lost all its momentum by the the time this came out. Feeling like both like a fantastic end and an ironic beginning to the era it satirizes, the film is clever, tense, and a high mark in the director's filmography that was rife with high marks.

Plot: Terror returns to the world of the protagonists as copycat killers rack up a body count.

It's hard to follow-up a good flick. It's harder to follow one up that most considered an immediate classic. However, with a returning creative team and ample genre material to needle at and utilize, this sequel manages to carve out a very respectable place for itself.

Plot: You guessed it, another set of murders sets off a mystery behind a mask.

After an admirable follow-up it was maybe too much to ask for a pristine trilogy. Something is lacking in Scream 3. Was it the new writer, the way too polished look and atmosphere, the scaling back on horror elements in favor of humor, or was it just time for a lesser product? Whatever the case, Scream 3 bears a noticeable decline in quality. Could of been worse but certainly could of been better.

Plot: The kids of Springfield are being haunted by a ghoulish nightmare linked to the town's past.

A quintessential slasher classic that overcomes a restrictive budget with ample creative flair, eerie horror set pieces, memorable iconography, and one helluva lead villain. This is not a perfect movie but it's so good that it's easy to overlook the few downsides.

Plot: A group of young girls become the target of a serial killer with a very unique weapon of choice.

A dash of exploitation, spoonfuls of Tarantino-isms, one memorable villain, stunning stunts, and heaps of girl power make for a unique combination in this slice of retro heaven. Some may have some issues with its dialogue heavy approach but good things come to those who wait.

Plot: Machines become sentient and hold the denizens of a truck stop hostage to do their bidding.

If your looking for a decent AC/DC compilation then the soundtrack to this might suffice. Otherwise, it's a shining example of why Stephen King should never direct a movie. Barring a few unintentional chuckles, this one's for the dogs.

Plot: A small coastal town is terrorized by a great white shark whose bloodthirsty rampage is made all the worse by bureaucrats.

Oft imitated, never paralleled (at least as far as shark movies go), Jaws proves more of a drama with action-adventure undertones, but the horrifying impact of the brilliantly composed shark sequences made its mark on the psyche of the moviegoing populace. Fantastic performances and direction abound!

Plot: An update of the H.G. Wells classic novel, where long dormant Martian machines rise to take hold of earth.

An adaptation that plants one foot firmly in sci-fi and the other in the realm of horror. However, it's the 9/11 metaphor that is truly what makes this one terrifying. Just strap in for the mandatory Spielberg "happy ending".

Plot: An upstanding citizen and family man has a terrible secret, he's a serial killer incapable of stopping. Finding an opportunity to escape his baser instincts in a brutish admirer, he spins a complicated web of murder and deceit.

Sure, it thinks it's way smarter that it actually is, is overstuffed with plot points, and the editing choices border on ugly at times BUT there is a lot to be enjoyed in this underappreciated psychological thriller. From the meticulous nature of Mr. Brooks' "craft", to the banter with his fractured psyche (portrayed by William Hurt), to the shades of anti-hero melodrama, "Mr. Brooks" is a underappreciated helluva fun time for fans of psychological thrillers.

Plot: The faculty at Harrington High has been acting stranger than usual and the students must soon put up a fight.

Invasion of the Body Snatchers but through the lens of the late 90's teen horror framework? Pretty much and, oddly, it works.

Plot: An entire town is turned into a ravenous horde of flesh-eating zombies after an experiment goes wrong.

From Dusk Till Dawn director Robert Rodriguez doubles down on the exploitation film formula and then adds a healthy does of Carpenter vibes for this relentless, tongue in cheek, brutal gorefest! Fun WILL be had.

Plot: Thieves on the run use a family as cover to cross the border and rendezvous with a contact at what turns out to be a very peculiar bar.

Part crime flick, part action flick, part horror flick....all fun. This ode to the exploitation era knows how to balance ridiculousness with coolness and, for good measure, throws in heaping shovels of gallows humor, grue, babes, and grit. Essential horror romp with nary a dull moment.

Plot: A ragtag group of bank robbers come across the vampiric hordes of the Titty Twister in this sequel.

Though inferior to its predecessor, it maintains some of the Tarantino-esque vibes when it comes to characters and displays some vibrant direction, fun dialogue, and a great cast. Fun is to be had if you're willing to forgive some inavoidable downsides.

The lesser of the Dusk movies. Conceptually neat (and ambitious as a period piece prequel) but far too underbudgeted to make a lot of it work. To top it all off the direction does very little to benefit the material.

Plot: Some aspiring pornographers head to the country to film their opus only to find out that their hosts may be more than they bargained for.

At this point, director Ti West is an expert at evoking the authentic aesthetics, atmosphere, and aura of several eras and sub-genres of horror and this one is no exception with its spot on homages to seedy 70's proto-slashers. Tongue planted firmly in cheek, "X" makes a concerted effort to eviscerate social mores of sexuality (especially those repressive ones instilled in us by religion) and their destructive nature with gleeful, gory aplomb. Gorgeously framed shots, beautiful cinematography, top notch editing, and impressive grue abound while never letting the film lose its purposely manufactured exploitative edge. Strap in for comically grotesque sequences that somehow make you contemplate the ravages of age and their relation to enduring desire. "X" is cheeky but also cleverly winking at the audience. More importantly, "X" is a "one goddamn fucked up horror picture".

Plot: Something is enacting a bizarre and insidious plot in a quiet Oregonian town and a young boy's life is about to get far more complicated than it already was.

Part coming of age story, part nightmare fugue, part horror, part sci-fi, and all around strange. Phantasm is a movie that, should you let it get its hooks into you, will never let go. Rife with iconic characters and moments and unlike anything you've ever seen.

Plot: The villainous Tall Man's ungodly plan is bringing death to America, bit by bit, but a couple of friends that long ago encountered him aren't about to let things get worse.

Ratchet up the budget and you can expand the mythos of the Phantasm world. And so they did in this action and humor packed return to a world where a mysterious tall man and his minions slowly carve away at civilization by using the dead to bolster their evil army. This sequel was well worth the almost decade-long wait between movies. With a less nebulous (but still very weird) approach, this one adds road trip action movie to the brew of genres.

Plot: The Tall Man's plans are far more involved than our heroes thought and their fight seems doomed to some horrendous fate.

Despite basically being relegated to the direct-to-video market, this sequel comes out swinging like the theatrical film it truly is. The story continues, this time laced with darkly comic overtones and a menagerie of bizarre additions. It might not be everyone's cup of tea at first but boy does it grow on you.

Plot: Our heroes discover the dark origins of the Tall Man's monstrous plot and the uncomfortable implications therein.

Direct-to-video status and budget concerns did little to harm this sequel. Instead it allowed it to return to its more simple nightmare-like roots. At one point thought to be the final film in the series, it provided as many questions as it did answers in that great Phantasm fashion. Underappreciated!

Plot: Reality is thrown in disarray as a dementia ridden hero recalls the unfolding of the Tall Man's plot.

Nearly two decades after the last, came this final installment in the Phantasm series. It's an ambitious piece that at times lapses because of budgetary constraints, the absence of Don Coscarelli in the director's chair, and the fact that it had to be completed under some duress (deaths, start and stop production, etc). Despite this, it is essential for Phans craving more of the universe they love and actually proves to be an absolute blast and a moving finale, if some glaring shortcomings are overlooked.

A surprisingly effective adaptation of an unfathomably strange (and hilarious) book. Does it work? Oh yes, strap in for a very, very wild ride that only wavers occasionally when the budget can't quite keep up with the madness. Despite this, it never disappoints.

Bruce Campbell as a geriatric Elvis teaming up with Ossie Davis as "JFK" to fight a soul-sucking mummy. That description alone will tell you if you'll like this movie or not. Overcomes budget limitations with a wild premise (Elvis versus ancient mummy) and a cast that's palpably gung-ho when it comes to bringing the material to life.

Horror and comedy come together in a orgasmic display of visual creativity. The world of Beetlejuice remains as engrossing as it ever was all these years later as does the eponymous ghost with the most. Top notch!

When I watched this movie I felt like I understood exactly what audiences watching Psycho in 1960 must have felt like. Unflinching, unsettling, and engrossing, Audition is a film that viscerally and psychologically dissects the dynamics between men and women.

One of the most important steps forward in horror filmmaking. Gorgeously and meticulously shot. It is a masterwork. 'Nuff said.

Possibly the paragon of Italian horror cinema. Packed to the gills with gorgeous cinematography, a vibrantly cacophonous score, phantasmagoric visuals, and unrelenting atmosphere. Like a modern, poetic fairy tale.

A remake that surpasses its predecessor and the source material that inspired that while honoring them and many other horror staples. The Thing is the perfect union of tense, claustraphobic terror that fosters paranoia and a balls out, physical effects laden monster movie. Add liberal dashes of cosmic terror and serve this dish Antartically cold!

Call it what you want but this Oscar-winning thriller is undisputedly steeped in horror. Hopkins and Foster enthrall in opposing lead roles. The story is as chilling and credible as it is thrilling and fantastic. A masterwork!

If you like your characters thinly written and shockingly stupid, then this movie might suit you. Add to that a plot that is increasingly nonsensical and loves to bloat sequences to fill out a running time and you have yourself a phenomenally stupid endeavor. I will say there is a sequence near the end that reaches some form of nightmarishness that shows promise but given that movies like Fire In The Sky have done it better it really doesn't justify sitting through the slog.

Despite the intentionally sleazy vibes, Intruder comes off as a thin and uninteresting setup for supermarket themed kills and nothing more. Despite some weak attempts at creative shots and some cheesy humor, the whole affair is so devoid of substance that it falls flat. Do watch out for director Scott Spiegel's buds Sam and Ted Raimi and Bruce Campbell (and even a cameo from Emil Sitka)...not that any of that matters in the end.

This one isn't going to win any awards BUT you don't need to when all you set out to make was a fun, dumb as rocks, gooey monster flick. Eco-horror dead set on ending with a blast despite taking a bit to get there. Hidden gem for b-movie buffs.

Though it falls victim to tired slasher tropes at times, there is definitely hidden greatness here. Add to that some nice cinematography from Dean Cundey and a snide, darkly comic script worked on by Osgood Perkins and you really begin to class up the joint. One wonders what a piece focusing more on the eerier, macabre elements here would of been like.

Stellar casting for this overlooked take on the subject of exorcism. Though it doesn't touch the greatness of giants like The Exorcist and The Exorcist III it, like them, tackles the subject matter with earnestness and solemnity rather than going for cheap thrills. Familiar themes of faith, doubt, and the nuances of the craft of the exorcist abound but are given a unique allure given the basis of the material on actual experiences.

Romp is the name of the game here and that's exactly what you get, one over-the-top, tongue planted firmly in cheek, cheeseball romp. Rife with anachronisms, blood and guts, action, and an horror-fantasy lite air, this one ends up being hard to hate if only because of its unapologetically bonkers nature. Just leave the ol' brain at the door.

Uneven acting/plotting, poor dialogue, and a concept that never quit sinks the claws of credulity into your mind affect what should have been an otherwise tense and nail-biting affair. Nevertheless, if you can manage to get to the home stretch in this post-apocalyptic nightmare, strap in for an ending that manages to shock and numb by turning everything up to 11 with its uncannily hopeless, nihilistic, and misanthropic message.

Though predictable in nature, this James Wan flick will manage to please horror aficionados as a heartfelt ode to the Italian style of filmmaking. Gorgeous cinematography, vibrant camerawork, and a score that captures that Italian vibe will bring forth memories of Bava and Argento. Add to that some truly awesome horror set pieces and a memorable villain and you have yourself a fun time.

A man with a past steeped in mental problems goes off the deep end after catching his wife in bed with another man and so begins a long reign of terror...and weirdness. This low budget, video store, cult legend, rarity has garnered quite a reputation but is it worth the hype? If your all about z-grade, bonkers schlock then it absolutely is. Otherwise, stay away.

Ryan Nicholson's movies were DEFINITELY not for everyone (even among horror fans). That being said, this one might not even be for Ryan Nicholson fans. Less of a movie and more of a cautionary tale on what not to do to when making a movie. You'd think that'd make it a bit memorable but, no, it's downright forgettable too boot.

A movie about a sexually confused monster created from rock star parts which included Liberace's penis. That premise alone should promise at least a slightly good time for b-movie lovers. Alas, this is a case of people thinking their funny while actually being the exact opposite. Troma this ain't, folks.

Rob Zombie's movie debut earned him a place in the annals of horror, no matter how divisive his work would prove later. Rife with odes to the films that made him, fantastic lighting evocative of Bava, some brilliantly composed scenes/shots, a slew of memorable characters, a fantastic soundtrack, top notch effects, a plot that goes from run of the mill to batshit crazy, and a psychedlic, neo-exploitation vibe, there is much to be enjoyed in this flick.

Even those that oppose Zombie's output admit this sequel to House of 1000 Corpses is his magnum opus. This pitch perfect, sleazy (and disturbing) throwback to the grindhouse era manages to make quite the impact without succumbing to "sequelitis" and retreading its predecessor. You'll feel dirty after watching it. 'Nuff said.

And then there's this...a movie that copies it's predecessor almost beat by beat and in a confoundingly inferior ways. The saving grace is the final stretch which is an entertaining showdown, albeit with a crew of villains that would of been best served with some development in the front half rather than a re-run of events with the Rejects. Ah well.