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Films that nearly cracked the list.
Maggie does have its heart in the right place, and at its core it presents an emotional and sorrowful story. One that is both tender and somber. I salute the effort to make a zombie/virus film that is more about the grief and emotional outbreak rather than to turn it into an action oriented film. The problem is however that the film fails to reach me emotionally, rendering it boring and pointless for me personally.
I think that Abigail Breslin gives a strong performance, but she is unfortunately left helplessly alone as Arnold Schwarzenegger doesn't have the dramatic acting chops for his role and he is unable to carry the emotion that this film would have needed. Making it hard too relate to him and difficult to find much reason to sit through the film.
I'm not the biggest fan of the Despicable Me films, but I will say that the minions were the best parts of them. Particularly the first one, in which they came in as a very pleasant surprise. Now they're everywhere, and their own film was inevitable. There's not one inch of me that doubts that this a film that kids will eat up and watch again and again, and on that accord one might be able to say that Minions is great. But I have to judge the films that I see on my own merits and what they brought to the table for me. In this case, Minions ended up giving me a headache.
The thing with these little creatures is that they are just side characters. They are just comic reliefs in the simplest of forms. They more or less lack personality and there's nothing in them for me to relate too. As of that, it's difficult to get emotionally invested into them. The filmmakers have naturally attempted to give them character traits and something to latch on to, but some the traits aren't enough. They simply becomes a way for us to tell each minion apart from each other, to know which one is which. It's not a fully drawn character. This results in the film just running with its gag for the entire running time, and while it's charming enough to begin with, it quickly turns into a nightmare. The minions are meant to be digested in small dozes and a full feature film proved to be too much for them to handle.
It tries to be a mystery, but it's quite simply too obvious and boring to work as that. The solution to the film is predictable and in your face throughout the entire time. The characters are flat and dull. I rarely call a film stupid, but Regression is just profoundly dumb. It's a film that wastes a potentially intriguing premise and a talented cast on something an average film student could cook up in a weekend.
Pan fails to wake up the sense of adventure and wonder in me. Some sort of prequel idea to Peter Pan is fine idea in itself, but the story that we're presented with within the film doesn't really offer anything that we haven't already seen in this genre. The visuals are unimpressive and soulless, and so are the characters. None of them which we care about.
Worst is however the absolute massacre they do of a Nirvana song. What were they thinking?
You would be surprised to find out that Gaspar Noé's film, ironically called Love, is more or less just as shallow as actual pornography. Posing as some sort of story that aims to explore the sexual-driven love that some young people may go through, the film is brought down by stale dialogue and subpar acting. The dialogue is so uninspired that the film just feels infantile in its ideas about sexuality and relationships. Despite the sex scenes being real, the characters performing them feel anything but real. It's all superficial. It's empty. The characters scream and whisper at each other, and very directly lays out what they feel - but it just feels juvenile. This might of course be intentional, due to the young age of the actors involved, yet it doesn't translate to very profound viewing experience.
All props to the actors for physically committing to their roles, but besides how naturally great they perform during their sex scenes, it definitively shows during the rest of the film that they ain't professional actors. It's therefore painful to see them act out the normal scenes, and it doesn't help them either, that their lines of dialogue are as poor as they are.
I will give the film some credit for its cinematography, and for its musical score and soundtrack. The film is well-shot and you can surely tell that they spent a lot of time to get the lightening right for all of the sex scenes. There's particularly an early threesome sex scene that is pretty great. Not only in how its shot, but it's probably the only scene that I felt truly understood what this film was supposed to be - and elevated it above its childish message of love.
In the end, Love is not worthy of a watch. It's too poorly acted, thought out and even edited for that. It's monotonous and shallow. If you want to watch this purely for the sex scenes, then go ahead - but you could easily find less frustrating material elsewhere on the Internet.
Imagine someone doing a remake, but instead of carrying over and improve on what essentially made the original interesting, you strip down on that and instead focus on your own silly stories and themes. I'm not the biggest fan of the original Martyrs, but there's no denying that it was a film that was successfully legitimately hard to watch and that carried well over to its themes, even if it wasn't necessarily as clever as it would like to think.
This remake is however just bad on every front. The story is clumsily put together. The torture is so much stripped down that there's not much horror to it. The relationship between the two leads doesn't work as it's too clichéd and ham-fisted into the story and the "monster" just seems to be there as it was part of the original. It's boring, poorly put together and ill-conceived from the very beginning.
The Asylum is notorious for making these kind of films. Cheaply, lazily and quickly made films that earn them small profits every time. It's crap. One do hope to get some simple laughs out of the ridiculousness that these films offer, but they are very few and far between. The problem is that they're intentionally made shitty, and thus you can not laugh at the filmmaker's failed intention and effort. So this is just an miserable experience.
It's not as annoying and insultingly lame as the second Sharknado film. It's essentially just boring. I do appreciate how it just gets started immediately and how it, for the most time, avoids wasting time on irrelevant stuff. Yet, there's nothing even remotely clever in it for it to justify its existence. Nor does it cross the threshold of being so bad it's good. Just dull.
It's almost fascinating to see how strange Mortdecai is, yet it's equally awful. This film is a train wreck. A disaster and an embarrassment to the people involved. What quality actors like Johnny Depp, Ewan McGregor, Paul Bettany and Gwyneth Paltrow is doing in a film that uses a stupid looking moustache as a running gag is beyond me.
It's some sort of spoof film, but it's quite simply not funny or clever. A waste of time.
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