Things that should never have existed in cinema

Commando

Sun, 08 Mar 2009 10:01:26 GMT

Arnie showing affection to children

One of the most frightening things I've ever seen on the big screen is Arnie's manic grin being aimed at a young child actor picked to portray his offspring. The scenes with Arnie & Kids are either swimming in a barrel of cheese or effective at making you prey that someone else was in the room whilst they were filming.

Also seen in:
Jingle All the Way
True Lies
Kindergaten Cop

Mission: Impossible II

Sun, 08 Mar 2009 10:02:10 GMT

Giving the star unnatural long hair

Nothing throws you off like seeing your favourite stars sporting a ridiculously uncool long-haired style. There's a thin borderline between rebelliously unworkmanlike and having a straight up mullet, yet it's a line toed by Hollywood producers all too often. Short back and sides or upwards it just fine. Extra negative points are scored if the hero has long hair in a sequel after sporting short hair previously.

Also seen in:
Con Air
Bangkok Dangerous
The DaVinci Code

Closer

Sun, 08 Mar 2009 10:02:25 GMT

Clive Owen's Accent

His accent is BEYOND ridiculous. I hear London accents everyday and his isn't even close. I was born in Birmingham and moved to Essex when I was young - I think I know bad accents, but never before have I heard one that was as outrageous as Clive Owen's. It almost completely scuppers any chance he has of playing a serious character as a result. Children of Men was so good because he was silent for the majority of it.

Also seen in:
King Arthur
Shoot 'em Up

She's All That

Thu, 21 May 2009 10:46:30 GMT

'Ugly' women being portrayed by beautiful actresses

Here are some ugly women. Being hound dogs is probably to blame for the fact that their only friend is a sibling and their only social interaction is at a convention. It's a cruel world. In real life, ugly women aren't one hair tie and a pair of contact lenses away from being a prom queen. Hollywood's perception that everyone is beautiful just has to stop!

Also seen in:
Not Another Teen Movie
Sex Drive
Never Been Kissed
10 Things I Hate About You

Under Siege

Thu, 21 May 2009 12:49:02 GMT

Love Scenes featuring Steven Seagal

Nothing is more revolting than the notion that any girl in their right mind would ever sleep with Steven Seagal. Even if he was lucky enough to bribe a hapless woman into the sack, the thought of grinding repeatedly against something so wooden would surely be cause for concern for the fire brigade.

Also seen in:
Belly of the Beast
On Deadly Ground

The Incredible Hulk

Thu, 21 May 2009 10:59:42 GMT

"Don't kill the bad guy, then you'll be just as bad as they are!"

Does anyone remember why The Terminator is such an awesome film? Because He absolutely WILL NOT STOP until you are DEAD. That's why. Nowadays there's nothing more anticlimactic than a level-headed heroine telling the hero not to kill their arch nemesis for psychological reasons. We want to see people paying for crimes in BLOOD. Not being given a predictable second chance to cause havoc!

Also seen in:
X-Men Origins: Wolverine
The Dark Knight
Beauty and the Beast
Se7en

National Treasure

Thu, 21 May 2009 12:54:51 GMT

Nicolas Cage having genius level intellect

Nic Cage can't act. He also doesn't have the body to fulfil the action movie stereotype. But perhaps his most heinous crime is the fact that he is regularly cast as an ingenious scholar. Nothing is less convincing than the notion that Nic Cage is a genius level cryptologist who knows the answers to anything trickier than a crossword.

Also seen in:
National Treasure: Book of Secrets
Knowing

American Pie

Thu, 21 May 2009 12:22:51 GMT

Going to extreme lengths to lose your virginity

Is there anything as trite and ridiculous now as the annual sex comedy? The premise raised a few smirks in American Pie, but a decade later and they're still milking the genre dry with increasingly ridiculous plotlines. No human beings, even students, are this single-track minded. How many time can one guy glue his hand to himself?

Also seen in:
American Pie 2
American Wedding
American Pie: Band camp
American Pie: The Naked Mile
Superbad
Sex Drive

Live Free or Die Hard

Wed, 27 May 2009 07:01:10 GMT

Non-Windows Operating systems

I'm pretty sure that Windows operating systems are prevalent on about 90% of computers world wide. I'm not exactly a windows fanboy or anything, but I don't think I've ever seen a bog standard Windows OS in a film in recent days. Instead, it seems the Hollywood OS is more common, with its horrid contrasting colours and tremendously large and maladjusted download bars which take up the whole screen.

Also seen in:
The Bourne Trilogy
Shooter
Swordfish
Every film from the Early 90s.

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Thu, 28 May 2009 13:16:37 GMT

Guy Ritchie dialogue

Guy Ritchie seems to think that London's finest gangsters speak like they're auditioning for en east-end version of Pride and Prejudice. It was kinda funny first time around, but six films down the line and the perpetually calm and eloquent criminals are wearing a little thin. Let's take a guess at what we'll be subject to in the upcoming Sherlock Holmes adaptation:

Watson: "'ere Shirley, you fancy partaking in a beverage down at our favourite drinking establishment tonight?"
Holmes: "No thanks Watson, I'm going home to enjoy a ruby, a bit of fornication and some sterling conversation with my old lady.

Also seen in:
Snatch
Rocknrolla
Revolver