Employment of Steven Segal's Characters

Into the Sun

Thu, 15 Jan 2009 17:14:07 GMT

Character Name: Travis Hunter Job Title: Ex-CIA Agent 1-5 If "Segal-ness" is Needed: 5 Why? Declassified documents have reveled that there is a technique in the CIA simply know as "Segal". It requires both elbows to be snapped and a full 360 degree of the head. No Lie!

Mercenary for Justice

Thu, 15 Jan 2009 17:14:50 GMT

Character Name: John Seeger Job Title: CIA Covert 1-5 If "Segal-ness" is Needed: 5 Why? Another CIA agent...need I comment any more?

Today You Die

Thu, 15 Jan 2009 17:14:29 GMT

Character Name: Harlan Banks Job Title: Thief 1-5 If "Segal-ness" is Needed: 2 Why? If you are a good enough thief than the ability to snap necks the equivalent of a car crash isn't needed. But in Today You Die Segal uses his ability to keep orphanages open by stealing from drug dealers. The thief with the heart of gold. Only Segal could play this part.

Out for Justice

Thu, 15 Jan 2009 17:11:49 GMT

Character Name: Gino Felino Job Title: Cop 1-5 If "Segal-ness" is Needed: 3 Why? A must! Good thing that Segal dislikes guns or we may have missed out on him beating up goons with a pool ball. Amazing how this seemingly calm cop could kick so much ass.

Flight of Fury

Thu, 15 Jan 2009 17:15:53 GMT

Character Name: John Sands Job Title: Air Force Pilot 1-5 If "Segal-ness" is Needed: 5 Why? Being a pilot is tough enough, but being an Air Force pilot of course none other than Segal-ness is needed...just in case.

Above the Law

Thu, 15 Jan 2009 17:12:12 GMT

Character Name: Nico Toscani Job Title: Cop recurited by the CIA 1-5 If "Segal-ness" is Needed: 5 Why? Again with this CIA stuff? Steven just put in an application already. I hear that they are hurting for overweight guys, with tight pony tails, and who wisper when they speak. Even at maximum volume.

On Deadly Ground

Thu, 15 Jan 2009 17:12:30 GMT

Character Name: Forrest Taft Job Title: Envorimental Agent 1-5 If "Segal-ness" is Needed: 1 Why? When an oil company doesn't give a shit about poluting the envorment Forrest Taft will make them pay. Just when you thought Taft was one of those flower picking tree hugging guys every joint in your body has been broken.

Half Past Dead

Thu, 15 Jan 2009 17:13:30 GMT

Character Name: Sascha Petrosevitch Job Title: Car Thief...or is he... 1-5 If "Segal-ness" is Needed: 5 Why? Being in jail. Nuff said!

The Glimmer Man

Thu, 15 Jan 2009 17:13:02 GMT

Character Name: Jack Cole Job Title: Mystical Cop 1-5 If "Segal-ness" is Needed: 3 Why? Being mystical and all requires some ancient art of combat.

Fire Down Below

Thu, 15 Jan 2009 17:13:17 GMT

Character Name: Jack Taggart Job Title: Envorimental Protection Agent (EPA) 1-5 If "Segal-ness" is Needed: 1 Why? Could his awesomeness really be needed if you are protecting the envorment? Again just when you think he is a paper pusher BAM! Segal snatched your soul right the f**k out of your body and melted your brain without even touching you!

Out of Reach

Thu, 15 Jan 2009 17:13:49 GMT

Character Name: Billy Ray Lancing Job Title: Vietnam Veteran 1-5 If "Segal-ness" is Needed: 5 Why? Never know when you might have to take a trip down to Poland and almost single-handedly stop a human trafficking network b/c your penpal didn't write back.

Marked for Death

Sun, 18 Jan 2009 01:05:51 GMT

Character Name: John Hatcher Job Title: DEA Agent 1-5 If "Segal-ness" is Needed: 5 Why? Bad guys named "Screwface" need to be taken down.

The Onion Movie

Thu, 15 Jan 2009 17:18:40 GMT

Character Name: ? Job Title: Cock Puncher 1-5 If "Segal-ness" is Needed: 5 Why? Segal is credited on imdb.com as "Cock Puncher". Damn could he be any more awesome?!