Barbarian Checklist

Amazons

Sun, 08 Mar 2009 13:48:40 GMT

This movie has ridiculous fighting scenes with butt-ugly 80's lightning effects. The plot doesn't make any sense and the female lead's acting is so horrible that you'll laugh your ass off. The movie has plenty of naked women and doesn't get boring during its 75-minute length.

Ator, the Fighting Eagle

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 04:31:23 GMT

Pretty boring for a barbarian movie because there isn't a lot of fighting. The bad guy doesn't seem to be bad at all and Sabrina Siani should get rid of her top. Kudos for the cute trained bear that follows Ator everywhere.

Ator, the Blade Master

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 04:31:23 GMT

Also known as Ator l'invincibile 2. A little better than the first part because it has more fighting in it. The bad guy is totally random and adds some camp value to the movie. Still, the movie has too much plot to be entertaining.

Iron Warrior

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 04:31:49 GMT

Also known as Ator the Iron Warrior (Ator III) Best of the Ator series because of its total randomness. Iron Warrior is the bad guy who follows the will of a witch who cannot kill. Ator and a princess escape from them but do a pretty lousy job because every three minutes they are confronted by the evil witch's men. And when they escape them, Iron Warrior appears. This is repeated like 20 times in the movie and it is always hilarious as hell.

Ator III: The Hobgoblin

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 04:56:15 GMT

Also known as Ator III: The Hobgoblin, but is actually the fourth installment in the series. Just when you start to "like" Miles O'Keeffe as Ator, he is replaced by some man with a plank as his face. Just awful effort in general because it has a PG-rating so that means no violence and no breasts at all.

Barbarian Queen

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 04:48:47 GMT

Barbarian Queen has a lot of things that an average barbarian movie watcher wants. Lana Clarkson is as good as an object (in case you didn't know that women are objects in barbarian movies) can be, and her breasts are visible very often. The movie has like the funniest rape scene ever recorded and should be watched because of that. My score is low, because I wasn't into barbarian movies when I watched this, so if I watched this again, the score might rise.

Barbarian Queen II: The Empress Strikes Back

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 04:48:47 GMT

The sequel to Barbarian Queen is a good one because it has a lot of female nudity and mud wrestling. The main male character sometimes chills out in 20th century clothing, perhaps because he is a man and he can.

The Barbarians

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 04:35:22 GMT

Perhaps the greatest that the barbarian genre has to offer. Two brothers trash every place they go to and a great soundtrack gives them the boost they need. You can almost smell the oil dripping from their muscles and see their mullets blowing in the wind while they growl and kill dragons or enemies that look like David Bowie. The movie also has a dragon whose intestines are filled with disco lights.

The Beastmaster

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 04:47:09 GMT

Looks a lot like a real movie and is way too long to be one of the best in the genre. Marc Singer is ugly as hell and not much of an actor, so he is perfect for his role. The trained animals are a joy to watch and Rip Torn's evil character who tosses babies in fire is great.

Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 04:47:09 GMT

Pretty stupid even for a barbarian movie but hey, the movie has a villain who travels in time to steal a neutron bomb and destroy the earth. Marc Singer shouts "ASSHOLE!" to bypassers from a car and the main villain has a laser pistol in the barbarian world so it is still quite watchable and fun. The soundtrack consisting of really corny hard rock is great.

Conan the Barbarian

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 04:29:44 GMT

The main reason for nearly all of the movies on the list. Great production values, nice special effects and action scenes, an epic plot with an epic running time that seems a lot shorter than it actually is and one of the best soundtracks ever make this a masterpiece in the genre and in general.

Conan the Destroyer

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 04:29:44 GMT

A dumbened down version for the whole family. Tries to be a comedy and fails miserably. Boring for most of the time but some of the action scenes are ok. Gets a lot better near the end.

Red Sonja

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 04:30:16 GMT

Quite a borefest with nice production values, some fine action scenes and a good soundtrack by Ennio Morricone. Nielsen is really awful as an actress and the little kid is so goddamn annoying that I'll have to take out half a star from the rating just because of him.

Deathstalker

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 04:48:17 GMT

One of the best in the genre. Has a pigman, a mud orgy scene and lots of violence and female nudity. Men are real men and women objects to be used so the barbarian aspect is used to its full potential.

Deathstalker II

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 04:48:17 GMT

The sequel is even better than the first one. In the first ten minutes the main character fights ninjas, "takes" a few women, starts a bar brawl, hits a midget an so forth. The movie is mainly a parody of the genre but it still has nearly all of the things you might want to see in a barbarian movie.

Deathstalker III: the Warriors from Hell

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 04:48:17 GMT

The worst in the mighty Deathstalker quadrilogy. The main character is played by someone who isn't at all interesting or barbarian-like. The villain isn't a truly bad guy at all and the fight scenes are mainly recycled from the earlier movies.

Deathstalker IV: Match of Titans

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 04:48:17 GMT

Not hilariously funny all the time, but still pretty greatly done garbage. First movie's Rick Hill returns to the main role and the main female character is a hottie who isn't afraid to show her rack.

Gunan, King of the Barbarians

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 04:43:48 GMT

Just awful movie with Pietro Torrisi's annoying face all over it. The first hour is like a torture chamber with no way out, but luckily for nearly the last 30 minutes Sabrina Siani is topless.

Hawk the Slayer

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 04:46:35 GMT

Not really a barbarian movie even though it has some elements from the genre. Has really hilarious moments, especially in the fight scenes, and a great and totally insane soundtrack.

Hundra

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 04:46:18 GMT

A little too long to be excited all the time but still pretty solid movie with a female lead. Has some hilarious scenes like when Laurene Landon fights a midget and then appears nude on a horse in a lake with no real reason.

Ironmaster

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 04:43:11 GMT

Has an odd hippie cause with barbarians having conversations on how war affects the minds of men. George Eastman is pretty good as the villain and as far as the plot goes, this is one of those barbarian movies that nearly make any sense.

The Norseman

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 04:49:05 GMT

More of a viking movie than a barbarian movie. A really dull film with ultra boring slow-motion battle sequences that have absolutely no choreography. Has some funny moments, like an oil tanker in the background or a norwegian viking that is black. For some reason the main character has a zorro mask in his viking helmet.

The Sword of the Barbarians

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 04:38:28 GMT

One of the worst in the genre. I just hate Pietro Torrisi's face and you can guess how much it is in the movie. Sabrina Siani could be topless more and the Asian sidekick should have been used in a different movie.

She

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 04:45:35 GMT

The main character is a barbarian who fights werewolves, post apocalyptic biker gangs and so on. Lots of fun, especially in a bridge scene which reminds me of Monty Python.

Sorceress

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 04:46:02 GMT

Jack Hill's barbarian "masterpiece" has two female barbarians who don't even know that they are females. They also share each others' feelings and that is exploited in the movie in a really hilarious way. The movie has zombies, manticores, dwarves that aren't really dwarves, and some kind of a satyr that always laughs in a really annoying way.

The Sword and the Sorcerer

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 04:46:48 GMT

Albert Pyun is a director with absolutely no talent so it was a surprise to see that his barbarian movie is a fairly good one. The scenery is pretty good looking and the three-edged sword is a great invention.

Thor the Conqueror

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 04:42:07 GMT

Thor is the real barbarian. He only growls and uses two or three word sentences like "Thor has female". He takes the women he wants and uses them because they are lower life forms to him. He seeks the "golden seed" of his father, and when he finds it, he shoves it in his pants. Fun from the beginning till the end.

The Throne of Fire

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 04:41:49 GMT

Pietro Torrisi's awful face again and no boobs of Sabrina Siani's. The only reason I kind of liked it in some parts were pretty awkward Nibelungen references which I didn't expect to see in a barbarian movie.

The Warrior and the Sorceress

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 04:46:02 GMT

The rude exploitation of Akira Kurosawa's Yojimbo's plot is the best the movie has to offer. Maria Socas is topless for the whole movie and in one scene there is a four-breasted stripper. The fight scenes are clumsy and boring and when the movie tries to be something else than a cheap Yojimbo rip off, it fails miserably.

Wizards of the Lost Kingdom

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 04:49:41 GMT

A fantasy movie for children with a white fur ball creature that only shouts "RYYYYYRR". No violence, no breasts, not anything. The main character is a child who is really annoying. I wouldn't keep this movie on the list but it has some of the fight scenes from Deathstalker movies and Jack Hill's Sorceress and the cast has some "famous" barbarian movie actors so those are the reasons why this movie and its sequel stay on the list.

Wizards of the Lost Kingdom II

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 04:51:26 GMT

The sequel is even more horrible than the first part. Its fight scenes are taken mainly from The Warrior and the Sorceress and The Barbarian Queen and perhaps that's why David Carradine and Lana Clarkson are on the movie for a few minutes. Well, at least it's always great to watch Clarkson and Sid Haig's character is quite funny in a really idiotic way, so the movie doesn't get the lowest possible score.

Conan

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 04:29:44 GMT

The re-make of Conan the Barbarian by Marcus Nispel.

Red Sonja

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 04:31:11 GMT

The re-make of Red Sonja starring Rose McGowan.