"Are you really mourning your humanity? I don't understand, who in the hell would want to be human?"
I used to be a huge Kevin Smith fan. He was one of my favorite directors and comedians. I would love anything he did was always anticipating his next movie. But lately that has all changed. Something about him lately has just really bugged me. I don't know if it's me or him that has changed, but now i just find him more annoying than funny. I used to listen to his podcasts all the time, but now i don't listen to any of them. He seems to only do dick sucking jokes and weed jokes these days. But i do remember one of the last Smodcasts i did listen to was the episode this movie is based on. It was one of the last great episodes of the podcast i feel. So when he announced he would actually make a movie based on it i was finally looking forward to something from him again. The concept was just crazy enough to work. It's just a shame Kevin Smith had no fucking clue how to do it.
I'm just gonna say right away that this movie was fucking awful. It was a mess from start to finish that had no idea what it wanted to be. It switches between slapstick comedy to dark horror all the time, but never does it in a seamless way at all. It feels like two equally awful movies randomly spliced together to make possibly one of the worst movies i have ever seen. The comedy of the movie is mostly just bad Canada jokes and puns. Stuff that not even a 5-year-old would laugh at. And the horror is never scary in any way and the walrus suit at the end is laughably cheap looking. It's like a rubber costume you would get at a Halloween store.
The protagonist of the movie, played by Justin Long, is also one of the least likable people ever. Are we really supposed to root for this guy? He has a podcast named NotSee Party (Get it? It's another pun) where all him and his co-host, played by Haley Joel Osment, does is sit around and laugh at internet videos it seems. But he also goes and interviews some of the people in these videos and is going to Canada to interview one that chopped his leg off (with some of the worst computer effects ever). And one the way we get more hilarious Canada jokes. When he gets to the person it turns out that the kid has killed himself, and Justin Long's reaction is that he is an asshole for not waiting a couple of more days so he could get an interview out of him. And during the movie we also get some flashback scenes that shows that he brags to his co-host about cheating on his girlfriend. I don't know why that was added to the movie since it has nothing to do with the story at all. Maybe Kevin Smith just really wanted to show how much of an asshole this guy really is. But not only is he an asshole, he is also a fucking idiot. At one point in the movie after he is captured he finds his phone again, because for some reason the phone is still just lying around in the house, he decides to call his friends for help instead of the police. His friends that are still in America at this point while he is far up in Canada.
We also get an appearance by Kevin Smith and Johnny Depp's (more on him later) daughters working at a Canadian convenience store, and they are awful. Absolutely awful. I only bring that up because apparently they are getting their own spin-off movie next year. Why? Not even the most die-hard Kevin Smith fans can be looking forward to that, right? And let's get to Johnny Depp as well now. This is, without a doubt, the worst performance he has ever given. He plays pretty much Inspector Clouseau, but if he was even more of a French stereotype. He has an outrageous French accent, always drinks and smokes, and on top of it all, he wears a beret. I have never seen a character more out of place in a movie than here.
Okay, for the rest of this review i will be spoiling the movie, so don't read on if you for some reason still want to watch this garbage. But i have to talk about the walrus fight scene. What fuck was up with that? Any last piece of dignity the movie had left just flew out the window there. Michael Parks, who plays the old man who turns Justin Long into a walrus, puts on a suit himself and they start to fight. Two adult men, in cheap walrus costumes, are now fighting and pushing each other around of film. I'm sure this is a very proud moment of both of their careers. And in the end Justin Long wins just as his friends and Johnny Depp comes in to save him. And at that point Johnny Depp point a shotgun at him as it looks like he is going to put him out of his misery, and then the movie cuts to black for a second. Then we see it's one year later and it turns out he is still alive and living as a walrus at some kind of run down zoo or something. What happened in the last scene then? We get no resolution there. How did they stop Johnny Depp from shooting him? And most of all why?
If you are just gonna have him live on as a walrus from now on anyway, alone in some run down zoo, i'm sure he would have preferred death. And you still feed him raw fish as well? We saw him eat that once before in the movie. He was not locked up for that long. It would have taken him more than a couple of days to completely go from a human being to a fucking walrus. I'm sure i'm just rambling at this point in the review, but this movie just made me mad. It was so awful. How can anyone look at this and think it's good? I know Kevin Smith has his legion of fanboys, i used to be one myself, but surely even they must see how bad this movie is?
This is, without a doubt, Kevin Smith's worst movie to date. I would rather see Cop Out and Jersey Girl on constant repeat for the rest of my life than sit through this garbage again. It is poorly written, poorly directed, poorly acted and all the effects look like shit. Fuck this movie and fuck Kevin Smith for making it!