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89435 Views 21 Comments

Not for prophet

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I have to say I was a little disappointed by The Bible. I've seen many reviewers call it 'life changing' and promise that it contains profound wisdom and divine knowledge, as well as it being 'the best selling book of all time', but I wouldn't go as far with my praise. The Bible is comprised of two shorter stories with one recurring character who appears regularly to tell the other characters how badly they're messing up.

It starts off with some Sci-fi elements, as the character 'God' creates the universe within a week and then stuffs it full of great and wonderful things. I think it's worth noting that God is also the author of this book, which I thought reeked of egotism, but I let it slide. We're then introduced to two other characters, a man and a woman, who don't get much in the way of a back story. The only thing we know about them is that they just appeared one day and that they were created so utterly stupid that they thought they could hide from an all-knowing and all-seeing God after siding with his arch nemesis, a talking snake.

This God guy punishes them in a fair and measured way for their ignorance - by condemning the rest of their race to misery, sin and injustice for the rest of time. Meanwhile, his arch nemesis the snake got away with just a few legs lopped off. When you start off with such a stupid pair of people it's obvious that inbreeding their genes is only going to make them worse, so after all of the incest and murder that their children get up too, God wipes the slate clean and kills off the entire human race, save for one guy in a boat.

It all goes a bit quiet after that as God takes a step back, maybe feeling a bit guilty after his extermination of an entire planet. Then a new bearded hero arises in the form of Moses and God decides to tone down his rage, focusing instead on being a racist. After picking favourites and plaguing the Egyptians for an undisclosed amount of time, God decides to send his son down amongst the people to sort them out once and for all. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em!

God's son is called Jesus (probably to be played by Gerard Butler in a film adaptation), but Jesus is also God and a ghost too! The only real Godly characteristics Jesus has from the outset is his killer beard and knack for reeling off a wicked anecdote. You might think God being on Earth would be greeted with harmony and rejoice, but instead the reaction of the people is pretty far-fetched as they choose to spurn and persecute the guy, despite him trying to impress them with free alcohol and feeding 5000 festival goers with one fish.

Eventually the people that God created get a bit sick and tired of him being around, showing off and telling the same old stories, so they decide to crucify him. Jesus is double-crossed, Scorsese style, by Judas, one of his right-hand men. Judas feels pretty bad about selling out his friend so he commits suicide, only to return as Dracula in the sequel 2000 years later. Like every good superhero, Jesus has a crisis of confidence and temporarily loses his powers, but it couldn't have come at a worse time as he is brutally tortured and murdered by Jews and Romans. Luckily he reacquires them in time to reincarnate from the dead and float back up to Heaven, suggesting that the all-powerful God couldn't even survive for a few years on Earth, unlike the rest of us mere mortals!

The story was littered with fantastical events and a fair few plot holes, whilst the Deus Ex Machina twist was used far too often. The characters were introduced at random and given no back story, and they spoke in a language that was so difficult to understand that even Shakespeare would have to scratch his head. There were some legends along the way, like Samson and Jesus' bodyguard, Peter, but most of the other humans were just flood fodder, or there to be tortured to prove a point.

It combines many themes and genres, from science-fiction, homophobia, infanticide, incest, racism, genocide and war to apocalyptic survival, horror and ultra-violence. Overall, most of the characters are too stupid to feel any connection with, I mean - I wouldn't go around nailing God to a cross, and my wife would be out on the street if she was pregnant and a 'virgin'. But it's probably worth a read for the sheer amount of carnage and violence contained within its pages.
Added by The Flagship
9 years ago on 13 August 2009 19:34


Posted: 9 years, 1 month ago at Aug 14 21:23
shit bro, reviewin this be like test drivin a horse. least dey got the castin' rite with my boy Morgan Freeman tho. peace.
Posted: 9 years, 1 month ago at Aug 14 21:34
Can Danny DeVito be cast as Moses? I've always wanted to see that!
Posted: 9 years, 1 month ago at Aug 15 0:13
This is exactly the way I see The Bible. It's just a book written by people with too many weaknesses for people with too many weaknesses and nothing more than this.
Posted: 9 years, 1 month ago at Aug 21 10:07
HaHaHaHA are you serious! i guess not but a fun read anyway!
Posted: 8 years, 9 months ago at Dec 7 16:26
I didn't know you was writing this review to iamchicgirl.
Posted: 8 years, 9 months ago at Dec 8 11:25
Oh no he dit'ent
Posted: 8 years, 4 months ago at May 24 0:37
Posted: 8 years, 3 months ago at Jun 1 13:48
You have just made my day! Thanks for the laugh!
Posted: 8 years, 3 months ago at Jun 9 8:50
You make many valid points. i wish i was brave enough to read it---your review--- outloud to all my bible belt neighbors . btw/'' catch letting go of god'' by julia sweeney
Posted: 8 years, 1 month ago at Aug 1 19:55
Posted: 8 years, 1 month ago at Aug 1 22:04
Wow, someone will signup just to make a single comment.
Posted: 8 years ago at Sep 17 16:11
There's so much wrong with this, yet utterly hilarious at how much you have wrong. Gave me a good chuckle tho.
Posted: 7 years, 10 months ago at Nov 21 5:25
Posted: 7 years, 6 months ago at Mar 7 7:12
This is fantastic and I wish I could give you a million votes.
Posted: 7 years, 6 months ago at Mar 8 12:51
Excellent Job ! That made my day! :D
I sometimes think about reading the Bible to get a own subjective opinion, but the start is just way to stupid to actually read the hole book, despite that i threw my bible in the garbage years ago.
Posted: 7 years, 6 months ago at Mar 15 13:16
Respect. Probably the best review ever.
Posted: 7 years, 5 months ago at Apr 12 18:07
Judas feels pretty bad about selling out his friend so he commits suicide, only to return as Dracula in the sequel 2000 years later.

A Dracula 2000 reference in a review of The Holy Bible! Simply amazing! Excellent review!
Edit: 7 years, 5 months ago
Posted: 7 years, 2 months ago at Jun 27 20:36
Really enjoyed this
Posted: 6 years, 7 months ago at Jan 31 5:49
The central figure: Yaweh aka Jehovah aka 'I am that I am' aka God. comes across as unstable, unpredictable, and downright vindictive.We're told that he is omnipotent and omniscient, which if you think about it leads to a paradox. But while you dwell on that consider the plot line. God makes two people who do something for which God holds everyone else who will ever live responsible. In order to redeem this he sends his son, who is in fact himself, to Earth tell a few allegorical stories, goes fishing, and gets himself crucified. A type of execution designed specifically as an awful long drawn out method of killing. yet God, who one would presume would be a paragon of human perfection kicked the bucket in three hours ! Maybe this is a warning about inbreeding. After all he was his own father !
Subsequently, we were all absolved of the crime we never committed and thus if we believe in Jesus we're guaranteed to go to heaven. Provided we're not: rich, gay, have sex, fancy another person, like someone's wife, belongings, eat animals that are prohibited, suffer a witch to live, so on and so forth.
oh and lastly the book does not have a happy ending; unless you have been fortunate enough to be tortured to death by the Romans, which could be problematic in the twenty first century.

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