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An Excerpt!

Rank : 112
Posted : 3 years, 4 months ago at Apr 10 22:02 -
Hi, I'm Writing A Story & This Is An Excerpt From That Story. Tell Me How Is It:

He Turned His Head, Slowly, To His Right And Through The Open Door He Could See A Nurse Walking Towards His Direction. Well, Her Original Intention Was To Close The Door, But After Seeing The Open Eyes Of Johnny, She Hastened Her Speed. When She Reached The Doorway, Johnny Thought, 'Oh No! Please Dont Switch On The Light', And As If The Nurse Could Read Minds She, Instead Of Switching On The Light, Came Towards Johnny And Bent Down And Whispered, 'How Are You Feeling Johnny?', And She Got A Weak Smile In Reply. She Had A Soft Irish Accent. The Nurse Patted His Head And Went Out, Presumably To Call The Doctor. Johnny, Meanwhile, Could Not Fight Off The Feeling That He Had Seen Her Before, But Before He Could Continue His Thought, It Was Interrupted When The White Light Came Into Focus. Johnny Quickly Closed His Eyes And Actually Gave Out A Groan But The Doctor Did Not Notice. The Nurse Was Standing In The Doorway Just Like She Did 5 Hours Ago And Johnny's Doubt Were Cleared. The Doctor Pulled Up A Wheelchair And With The Help Of The Nurse And 2 Other Doctor's, They Placed Johnny On The Wheelchair And Placed His IV Drips Around Him. Finally, Johnny Had The Chance To See His Limbs And What He Saw Shocked Him. His Right Leg Had A Huge Cast Over It While The Left Leg Was Untouched. His Right Arm Also Had A Cast While His Left Arm Had Several Gashes. The Cast And Gashes Shocked Him But Something Felt Funny. Something Was Not Right. Finally, After What Seemed Like Ages, Johnny Mouth Openeded, 'Where Are You Taking Me?'. The Doctor Was Suprised And Relieved At The Same Time, But It Was The Nurse Who Did The Talking, 'Examination Room Sweetheart. You Are Gonna Be Just Fine', And Trotted Forward To Swing Open The Door Which Presumably Lead To The Examination Room. Yes, It Sure Was Because The Whole Room Was Bathed In White Light With A Round Table And 2 Chairs In-Between. After Getting Adjusted To The Light, Johnny Looked Around And He Saw A Black Tinted Rectangular Window Which Previously Went Unnoticed. 'What Are You Gonna Do?', Asked Johnny Timidly. The Doctor Patted Him On The Head And Said, 'Not To Worry Son. We Are Just Gonna Ask You A Few Questions And Thats All Really. And Are You Sure You're Ok To Talk', He Added And Johnny Did The Same Slow Nod He Had Done Hours Previous. 'Good', Whistled The Doctor And He Sat On The Chair With His Hands Spread On The Table, Obviously Waiting For Something. His Brown Briefcase Was Set Beside His Chair. After A Few Minutes, The Nurse Came In With A Tray That Had A Bowl Of Ice-Cream, A Mug Of Orange Juice With 2 Glasses And Some Toffees. The Doctor Asked, 'What Would You Like Son?', And Johnny Motioned Towards The Juice. The Doctor Poured The Juice From The Jug In The Glass And Pushed The Glass Towards Johnny. Instead Of Taking It, He Just Kept Staring At It. The Doctor Understood And Announced, 'Its Not Poison Neither A Drug. We Are The Good Guys And We Are All Here For You', He Finished Off With A Smile. Still Refusing To Believe, Johnny Challenged, 'I Would Like To See You Try'. The Doctor Sighed And Trousled His Beard Before Pouring Himself The Orange Juice. He Then Drank It All In 3 Sips. Johnny Nodded And Helped Himself To The Orange Juice. It Actually Tasted Good. In Fact, It Was The Best Johnny Had Ever Drunk In His Whole Life, But, Johnny Never Took His Eyes Off Of The Doctor While He Was Drinking. After When He Had Finished, He Placed The Glass Down And Was Asked, 'Would You Like Some More?', But Johnny Refused. He Even Refused The Ice-Cream And The Toffees. 'Very Well', Said The Doctor And He Nodded To His Left Towards The Rectangular Window. The Same Nurse Came In, Picked Up The Tray And Went. The Doctor Picked Up His Briefcase And Opened It. He Took Out Some Papers And Started Spreading Them On The Table. After Taking Out The Final Paper, Which Was A Blank One, He Clicked The Briefcase Shut And Placed It By His Chair Again. The Doctor Cleared His Throat And Asked, 'Johnny Redding Phaser, Is It?', And Johnny Nodded. 'Very Well. I'm Doctor Figo Hernandez'. Johnny Just Stared. Outside, The Other Doctors And Nurses Were Looking Serious And Tensed. Dr. Figo Cleared His Throat Again, Before Continuing, 'Now Son, I Know You're Still Weak To Talk But I Wanna Nod Or Shake Your Head Accordingly. Am I Clear?', Despite Being Sounding Like An Order, The Doctor's Voice Remained Friendly. Johnny Had No Other Choice But To Co-Operate With These People So He Nodded.

'Good, Now, You Used To Study In The Local Windytown School Which Is Situated Opposite King Grounds, Yes?'.
'Yes'.
'Do You Remember Your Parents' Names?'.
'Yes'.
Dr. Figo Nodded.
'Erm, Cindy And James'.
Dr. Figo Nodded Again And Continued,
'On The Night Of August 8th 2001, In The Tunnel That Leads To Old Town, You Were Brutally Attacked, Yes?'
'What?, Wha-Wha-What Do You Mean, Attacked?'

Dr. Figo Hernandez Leaned Back And Explained, 'You Were Found Inside The Tunnel On The Night Of August 8th 2001 In Very Bad Shape By A Homeless Person. He Warned A Passerby Who In Turn Called 911 For An Ambulance. Since We Were The Closest, We Dispatched Our Ambulance. Your Pulse Was Still Beating, Johnny And It Dawned Upon Us That Either You Were Savagely Attacked By An Animal Or Thugs And That Is What I Want To Know'.

Johnny Could Not Believe His Ears. 'No Way', He Thought, 'This Is Absurd, No, No!'. After Going Over Every Word The Doctor Had Said, Johnny Asked, 'Whats Happended To Me? Wheres My Mother? I Want To See Her NOW!'. The Doctor Actually Fell Back When He Heard The Demanding Tone In Johnny's Voice. Outside, Everyone Was Looking At Each Other With Grave Looks On Their Faces. Even Though Neither Johnny Nor Figo Hernandez Could Look Out Of The Window, They Could Sense The Uncomfortable Shifting And Whispering. Johnny Was Shaking And On The Verge Of Tears. Finally, The Doctor Answered, In A Slow Voice, 'Son, Your Mother Passed Away 2 Years Ago'. That Was The Final Blow And Johnny Jumped From His Wheelchair And Swaying On His Long Unused Legs, He Made A Break For The Door But Ultimately Failed And He Fell Down Which Caused Him To Hit His Head On The Floor.......
Rank : 494
Posted : 3 years, 4 months ago at Apr 11 17:41 -
I can't even read this because you've capitilized every word. Also, you don't seem to know what a paragraph is or how to use it. And you ended your post with an inexplicable series of periods, or several ellipses. Either way, incorrect.

This may well be one of the greatest short stories ever written, but I'll never know until you learn the basics of sentence construction.

Why not have another go at it and try to make it legible?
Rank : 112
Posted : 3 years, 4 months ago at Apr 11 18:15 -
Thanks for your comment. i will take your criticism to make this excerpt better and readable :D
Rank : 652
Posted : 7 months, 3 weeks ago at Dec 28 23:01 -
It's somewhat well written in a technical sense, if a bit melodramatic, but the capitalization mentioned by "Fnord Prefect" really made it difficult to read. Also, you have no sense of, again formerly mentioned, when a paragraph starts and ends.