Reviews of Planet of the Apes

How could they get it so wrong?

Posted : 9 months, 3 weeks ago on 8 March 2009 11:47 (A review of Planet of the Apes)

The original Planet of the Apes is an ambitious and thought-provoking science fiction film most remembered for Charlton Heston's theatrical performance. Even by today's standards it still holds its own and I couldn't think of any reason why it might need to be remade, but with Tim Burton in charge - what could possibly go wrong?

Oh boy. Let me get this out of the way and say that this film is an absolute disaster with no redeeming features. The original was ambiguous in its back story, but it didn't rely on a flashy introduction to set the scene. Tim Burton immediately ignores the source material and comes up with a convoluted electrical space storm and a bizarre chimp training facility floating in space. Fine. Wahlberg finds himself crash landing on an unknown planet anyway and in much the same manner he is soon hunted down by a mysterious primate species.

Unlike our previous stalwart hero Heston, Wahlberg doesn't temporarily lose his voice. Instead he just chooses not to say anything. I thought that this was a little strange - until I realised that every human character could speak fluent English on this mysterious planet. What!? The crashed astronaut is supposed to be a superior species, a scientific marvel that dazzles the apes with his superior motor functions. The moment I realised that humans were still normal humans I knew that the film was just going to nose-dive into the depths of tedium.

Heston is belittled and his fate decided by a corrupt and unfair primate court system. He has no chance to lead a peaceful of civil life amongst the apes, but the one thing he can rely on is his tenacious humanity. Heston's character and his no-nonsense mentality is something that gives the viewer hope, and we all imagine ourselves acting in a similar manner if we were ever caught up in such a diabolical situation. Heston simply relies on his grizzled humanness throughout the experience. In Tim Burton's vision, humans have nothing to fight back with and all of the best lines from the previous film are given to the apes who deliver them with cringe-worthy weakness.

The crashed astrophysicist only temporarily has a laser gun to differentiate himself from the primal herded humans. This time around, emphasis is placed on ape dominance because of their raw strength instead of intellectual dominance, which reeks of exactly the same kind of human egocentrism that probably caused the rise of the apes in the original film. Planet of the apes (original) made for uncomfortable viewing because it displaced humans from the top of the food chain, this time around humans just seem to have lucked out.

The final insult from Tim Burton is the utterly ridiculous and non-sensical ending. There is no realisation that this misery was occurring on Earth the whole time; instead Wahlberg flies BACK through time and BACK to Earth, where he encounters apes as the dominant species again. What!? I'll leave it to anyone to watch the film and realise how this makes absolutely no sense, but until then, if you're a fan of the original and think that Tim Burton usually does no wrong, then be aware that this film is a chronic disappointment!



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