You must be joking!
8.31. Emo Philips
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
5.82. Jimmy Carr
Someone once asked me "If you could sleep with anyone living or dead, who would it be?" And I said "Anyone living".
A girl once said to me "I think your fatist".I said "I think you'll find you're fattest."
My girlfriends reading a book called "Women who love too much" which I think the title could be shortened, to "Sluts".
There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to alot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?
6.53. Russell Howard
"There were MPs claiming for moats, for tennis courts, for lawnmowers, for swimming pools and they all claimed, “It’s legal! It’s Legal!” So is waking your Nan up dressed as Hitler. But you don’t do it."
6.94. Eddie Izzard
“Puberty is the sickest joke God plays on us. So you're just noticing members of the opposite sex: "Girls girls, ooo". Naturally you want to look your best, and God says "No! You will look the worst you've ever looked in your life!"”
6.95. Bill Bailey
"Three men go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and so the whole scene unfolds with tedious inevitability."
"Three blind mice go into a pub. However, they are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitataive."
6.16. Peter Kay
I saw a fat person wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?'
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
7.77. Tommy Cooper
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chau-Chou. But I think it's Colin.
6.18. Lee Mack
Question number 1 have you ever had a blackout?
Finally Question number 10
9.39. Kenny Everett
Hello Vicars Knickers! I was strolling down the road the other day, I got stopped by a member of the Fuzz.
He said "Where are you going?"
I said Southall.
He said "Where you been?"
I said Vauxhall.
He said "What have you got in the bag?"
I said Nothing.
4.510. Al Murray
You see, the thing about xenophobia is, it's a Greek word.
6.511. Jack Dee
I read in my local newspaper, they had this advert, ‘Please look after your neighbours in the cold weather’, and shall I tell you something about that? I live next door to this 84-year-old woman, do you know, not once has she come round to see if I’m all right. Lazy cow hasn’t even taken her milk in for a fortnight!
6.212. Paul Merton
The first Underground station ever opened was Baker Street in 1906. What was the point of that? Where would you go?
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