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Added by PvtCaboose91 on 8 Dec 2009 11:57
5805 Views 30 Comments

Worst Christmas Movies In History

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To Touch Base...
The Santa Clause 3 is an unprecedented cinematic event. Unprecedented in the sense that no Christmas movie before or since has reached such a detestable level without any joy, laughs, mirth, soul or even watchable moments.

How Crap Is It?
It's so crap it helped me come to terms with the fact Santa isn't real. If your kid has trouble learning with the falsity of Santa, show 'em this movie. They won't want to believe in the big fat man anymore.

"Now, just...throw this at the screenwriters!"
PvtCaboose91's rating:
To Touch Base...
Christmas Vacation 2 is.... A direct sequel to a sequel that's part of a series that was already followed by a sequel?

How Crap Is It?
Not even Chevy Chase returned here. You'd think he'd jump at any opportunity to make a few bucks, but this film was made without him. Sheesh...
PvtCaboose91's rating:
People who added this item 204 Average listal rating (152 ratings) 2.4 IMDB Rating 2.4
Home Alone 4 (2002)
To Touch Base...
Home Alone has become a very profitable franchise. The first movie was great. The second merely enjoyable. The third is also on this list. And now, number 4 has a proud spot near the top of the list. There are a lot of returning characters in #4, but all were played by new actors. The series continuity makes no sense with this film. Kevin is never home alone at all here. Kevin only rigs one booby trap, too...

How Crap Is It?
It couldn't even score enough ratings when it was aired to justify a TV series which was initially planned...

"You better give us a damn good paycheck for suffering through this humiliation!!"
PvtCaboose91's rating:
People who added this item 48 Average listal rating (30 ratings) 4.3 IMDB Rating 0
To Touch Base...
Before the likes of Dwayne Johnson and Steve Austin began their acting career, professional wrestler Hulk Hogan also tried his hand at acting. He's a far, far worse thespian than any other wrestler. And Santa with Muscles is a Christmas comedy featuring Hulk Hogan. Yeah...

How Crap Is It?
So crap it opened in a scant 98 theatres across America and earned a total of $220,000 during its theatrical run. Now it has faded into obscurity and the majority of the world's population are blissfully unaware of its existence. Thank Christ.

"All I want for Christmas is for my name to be removed from the credits!"
PvtCaboose91's rating:
People who added this item 238 Average listal rating (162 ratings) 4.7 IMDB Rating 5.3
To Touch Base...
Ah, nothing like a Christmas movie that's released a few days before Halloween. That pretty much indicates the abominable quality of the movie within. It also has Ben Affleck in the title role. Christina Applegate is in there too. Four writers are credited - two of which come from writing television sitcoms, and the other two wrote Josie and the Pussycats and A Very Brady Sequel. Are you bored yet?

How Crap Is It?
It's so crap and utterly humour-free that I had to break my strict diet (which I have sustained for 10 months) to devour some junk food so I could just get through the movie.

"This is for Gigli!!!"
PvtCaboose91's rating:
People who added this item 447 Average listal rating (301 ratings) 4.8 IMDB Rating 5.2
To Touch Base...
Has Tim Allen ever been in a good movie aside from Galaxy Quest? Ever? That mugging, one-note performance is strictly for television, Tim, it doesn't serve you well here. And did I mention an aging, stale Jamie Lee Curtis stars in the film too? And it's directed by the chairman of Revolution Studios and a purveyor of shit? This feels like the work of the fucking Grinch.

How Crap Is It?
Well, I'd forgotten every plot point and "laugh" moment merely a week after viewing it. One year on, I figured I should revisit so I could churn out a new review with the film fresh in my mind. Yet, I was still astounded at how appalling it was. I'd forgotten that the message it sends to the movie-going public was "be a conformist! Give into peer pressure!" Lovely.

"Well, honey...our careers are officially kaput."
PvtCaboose91's rating:
People who added this item 1221 Average listal rating (833 ratings) 4.7 IMDB Rating 5.4
To Touch Base...
Hey, look, it's Arnold Schwarzenegger on the poster! Oh, wait...he's...in a PG-rated Christmas movie for the kids? Isn't that the sign of the apocalypse?

How Crap Is It?
It's so crap that after revisiting this movie, I felt so guilty for going against my better judgement and had to indulge in a marathon of Commando, Predator, Total Recall, True Lies and The Running Man. Even after that, I was still haunted by the image of Arnie doing bumbling antics in this abysmal Christmas movie...

"I used to be a famous, much-loved and respected action star, you know!"
PvtCaboose91's rating:
People who added this item 217 Average listal rating (138 ratings) 4.4 IMDB Rating 4.9
To Touch Base...
Danny DeVito and Matthew Broderick together in a Christmas comedy. Okay, you could make a good movie from that pair-up... too bad they didn't. What's so bad about it, asks yee? Well for starters it's unrealistic beyond words. None of the characters act like real humans. The characters are also unlikeable. The gags are predictable. The message is hackneyed. It's just paint-by-numbers filmmaking which leaves the producers laughing all the way to the bank.

How Crap Is It?
It's so crap it almost put me off watching Ferris Bueller again. No...seriously! Broderick was embarrassing in this!

"It's okay, Matt. Your career's been dead since 1994. This film won't change much."
PvtCaboose91's rating:
People who added this item 632 Average listal rating (378 ratings) 5.1 IMDB Rating 5.5
To Touch Base...
Are you aware of how the Hollywood studio system works? If not, here's a crash course: if there's a family-friendly hit on the back catalogue, make a sequel! Oh, but don't forget seminal rule #1 pertaining to sequels: it doesn't matter about the quality!! Thus, here we have The Santa Clause 2. It's horrible. It's soulless. It's cyanide in cinematic form.

How Crap Is It?
I put the question to you: how crap must a movie be if the only moment that's even remotely amusing is a guy describing noise at the North Pole as sounding like "tiny hammers"?

"Okay, okay. This is the last time I take career advice from the Grinch, I promise" (he says with his other hand behind his back with fingers crossed)
PvtCaboose91's rating:
People who added this item 1801 Average listal rating (1083 ratings) 6.1 IMDB Rating 6.6
To Touch Base...
Thus begins Robert Zemeckis' obsession with motion capture and CGI animation. The Polar Express assumes itself as the latest Christmas movie gem without earning the title. The animation is so-so at best (the movements are unbelievably clunky, the characters are soulless), the corniness is overwhelming, the Hollywoodisation of the whole enterprise is out-of-place. As a whole, it feels like an experimental gimmick - an unsuccessful one at that.

How Crap Is It?
Made me wonder if Zemeckis was really the guy behind Forrest Gump and Romancing the Stone.

"This is called your first flop, son. You'll get a lot of these in your film career."
PvtCaboose91's rating:
People who added this item 541 Average listal rating (342 ratings) 5.3 IMDB Rating 5.6
To Touch Base...
Look at this cast! Vince Vaughn, Reese Witherspoon, Jon Voight, Mary Steenburgen! It's the most interesting and intriguing cast I've stumbled across for a Christmas movie. So, uh, too bad it sucks. It's an 85-minute black hole from which no joy or laughs can escape. It's dreadful.

How Crap Is It?
I watched the film after enduring Surviving Christmas and Fred Claus in the two preceding days. After watching Four Christmases, I felt more inclined to renounce the holiday rather than celebrate it.

"We're sorry - we did it for the paycheck."
PvtCaboose91's rating:
People who added this item 347 Average listal rating (233 ratings) 5.1 IMDB Rating 5.6
Fred Claus (2007)
To Touch Base...
Yeah, I can buy the premise of Santa having a brother. I can also buy Vince Vaughn headlining a Christmas movie. He's an ace comic actor. What I can't buy is the saccharine-coated sentiment, a tragic deficiency of laughs, uneven special effects, a glaringly predictable plot and unimaginative pratfalls. The result is just ghastly.

How Crap Is It?
I got so bored during the movie that, just to get a bit of fun out of it, I started predicting plot points to a friend on MSN and watching as my predictions came true.

"We've captured Mr. Vaughn, sir. Rest assured he won't be making another Christmas movie."
PvtCaboose91's rating:
People who added this item 328 Average listal rating (224 ratings) 4.9 IMDB Rating 5.7
To Touch Base...
Okay, so this film isn't really much of a Christmas movie, but it's set at Christmas so be quiet.
Anyway, this is an action film with Ben Affleck. Yeah. Ben Affleck. Already bored?
It's a predictable, nonsensical, and poorly written. I couldn't find it very entertaining. Poor John Frankenheimer.

How Crap Is It?
It's so crap I had forgotten than this was set at Christmas. Yeah, that's how easily forgettable it is.

"Now, where are the screenwriters?"
PvtCaboose91's rating:
People who added this item 508 Average listal rating (337 ratings) 3.6 IMDB Rating 2.8
To Touch Base...
Get this... A Great White Shark has descended from sharks that the protagonists killed in previous instalments, and wants revenge on the Brody family. An animal with a brain the size of an apple telepathically finds out who's killing its family, and seeks revenge... Did an 8-year-old write this?
Since it's set at Christmas, it qualifies as a Christmas movie... Just barely.

How Crap Is It?
It's so crap that it's usually regarded as an unintentional comedy. But oh well, it's at least funnier than most of the Christmas comedies on this list.

"Give us a kiss... I can't bite you with these terribly fake rubber teeth, no need to worry."
PvtCaboose91's rating:
People who added this item 2432 Average listal rating (1528 ratings) 6.5 IMDB Rating 6.9
The Holiday (2006)
To Touch Base...
This romantic comedy set at Christmas runs for 140 minutes. You read that right. It takes 140 minutes for this crap to unfold on screen. It's too middling and forgettable.

How Crap Is It?
It's so crap I once got in a verbal argument with two girls about it. And didn't feel guilty about my unwavering stance.

"I just farted. How's that for Christmas spirit?"
PvtCaboose91's rating:
People who added this item 1621 Average listal rating (1014 ratings) 4 IMDB Rating 4.2
Home Alone 3 (1997)
To Touch Base...
Ah, Home Alone. Who doesn't love that movie?
Unfortunately, this third movie is a classic case of a studio reworking a screenplay to fit into a franchise. It's stale entertainment.

How Crap Is It?
It's so crap that even Macaulay Culkin was smart enough not to go near it.

(Even the actors had a hard time watching the movie at the premiere)
PvtCaboose91's rating:

Christmas is a time of many traditions. You got the tree, the cake, the cookies, the lights...and, of course, the dreadful Christmas movie offering. After all, that Christmas would be complete without a cinematic raping courtesy of Hollywood? Avoid these titles like the plague and seek out the good ones.

Added to

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list by The O.P.
Published 2 years, 6 months ago

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Posted: 5 years, 10 months ago at Dec 8 12:22
What was wrong with Polar Express? After all, Christmas movies aren't meant to be masterpieces, but fun family traditions, and just to have a good time. But, that's just my opinion of course.
Posted: 5 years, 10 months ago at Dec 8 12:27
LOL on your comments.
Posted: 5 years, 10 months ago at Dec 8 12:52
Your "Jingle all the way" and "Kranks" comments are just classic! lol.
Posted: 5 years, 10 months ago at Dec 8 13:03
Ok, the Deck The Halls comment is now #1. Hysterical!
Posted: 5 years, 10 months ago at Dec 9 13:11
Good shout bud. There are some proper howlers on this list!

Although I quite enjoy Jingle and Deck for how bad they actually are. They always make an appearance at my mates Christmas gatherings.
Posted: 5 years, 10 months ago at Dec 9 13:12
You should definitely add Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 to your list.
Posted: 5 years, 10 months ago at Dec 9 18:45
I haven't seen it but Four Christmases must be as bad as you say if the studio waited a whole year (until the next holiday season) to release it on DVD. Oh and I resent Reindeer Games being on this list strictly because of Charlize's topless scene. *sigh*
Posted: 5 years, 10 months ago at Dec 13 16:32
I agree with all except for Polar Express. I enjoyed that movie.
Posted: 5 years, 9 months ago at Dec 24 4:41
I enjoyed The Holiday. It's the first time I thought Jude Law was actually good. Black was good.
And my whole family gets a kick out of Ji ngle all the way.
Posted: 5 years, 4 months ago at May 14 15:03
what about santa claus conquers the Martians?!!
Posted: 5 years, 4 months ago at May 14 15:23
Still haven't seen it... It's on the agenda...
Posted: 4 years, 3 months ago at Jun 19 17:55
Lol, loved your comments. :D

Aw, but I quite liked The Holiday.
Posted: 4 years ago at Oct 6 19:51
Your comments on these movies are great!
Posted: 3 years, 10 months ago at Nov 16 8:54
I watch Jingle All The Way because Arnold and Sinbad are so ridiculous in it. This is a comedy that I laugh at for the wrong reasons or in the wrong places.

The Holiday looks like a chick flick.

Fred Claus had the one amusing scene with the group of 'Less Famous Brothers' in a counselling session. It consisted of people like Roger Clinton and Frank Stallone. Stephen Baldwin lost it on a guy and the counselor had to remind him 'That's not Alec...That's not Alec..'. Other than that scene, the rest of the movie pretty much sucked.

I refuse to watch any Jaws, Home Alone, or Santa Clause sequels.

Posted: 3 years, 10 months ago at Nov 17 21:52
"Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" is one of the greatest holiday movies of ALL TIME. Ther's no way it belongs among these monstrosities!

Also, re: #5: I liked Josie & the Pussycats. Still do. I think it's a brilliant satire, as well as the last good performance from Tara Reid.
Posted: 3 years, 9 months ago at Dec 27 14:06
I just survived watching the DeVito/Broderick movie..
It s a crap but i enjoyed his wife and the twins daughters..hot!
Posted: 2 years, 11 months ago at Oct 14 22:09
Posted: 2 years, 10 months ago at Nov 28 16:59
I'm so happy you put Christmas with the Kranks here; it's the worst Christmas film I've ever seen.
Posted: 2 years, 10 months ago at Nov 28 17:28
Nice list, but I don't agree with you about Polar Express. I think it wasn't a bad movie.
Posted: 2 years, 10 months ago at Nov 28 18:30
Great list, gave me a laugh. Still, I have to agree with some of the comments; I liked The Polar Express. :P
Posted: 2 years, 10 months ago at Nov 28 22:34
Hmmm. I liked Polar Express. Other than that? Perfect
Posted: 2 years, 10 months ago at Nov 29 1:51
I know else in this world loves it, but I cant stand A Christmas Story.
Posted: 2 years, 10 months ago at Nov 29 6:03
You may want to add Home for the Holidays :D
Posted: 2 years, 10 months ago at Nov 29 6:10
Love your notes on these, and I appreciate your sitting through all this crap & letting us know it's not worth the time nor trouble. I've successfully managed to avoid all of these & will continue to do so.

A couple notes: you asked if Tim Allen has ever been in a good movie outside of Galaxy Quest. I can name THREE and they all have the words "Toy" and "Story" in the title. ;)

Also, apparently Roger Ebert liked Home Alone 3 better than its predecessors. Proof he can't always be trusted, says I.
Posted: 2 years, 10 months ago at Nov 29 8:21
I love this list! Your comments are hilarious and spot-on. I do like Jingle All the Way because I work in retail and it reminds me how crazy/stupid people get around the holidays, especially Black Friday. It gives me a good laugh everytime.
Posted: 2 years, 10 months ago at Nov 29 9:52
I've only watched one of these movies and it's the one starring the inexplicably meta-conscious shark so it barely counts. But a great read, nonetheless.

Have you done a "Best Christmas Movies" list? That would be fun, since I've maybe seen some of those.
Posted: 2 years, 10 months ago at Nov 29 10:22
Have you done a "Best Christmas Movies" list? That would be fun, since I've maybe seen some of those.


Posted: 2 years, 6 months ago at Apr 4 4:26
I agree with most of your list except for The Polar Express and The Holiday. Truly, though, I am a bit of a sentimentalist and romantic. Otherwise, you are right on the money
Posted: 1 year, 9 months ago at Dec 19 17:30
I don't plan on seeing it but I have a feeling "Madea's Christmas with Tyler Perry... something something... has potential for this list.
Apparently I voted for this a previous year, wish I could vote again, good comments on terrible movies. Although I'm embarrassed to say I enjoyed "The Holiday". That damn Kate Winslet wins me over every time.
Posted: 1 year, 4 months ago at May 29 9:01
I hated 'Fred Claus' and 'Jaws: The Revenge', you asked if Tim Allen had made any good movies besides 'Galaxy Quest', you liked 'The Santa Clause' (the first one) and the 'Toy Story' movies which have Tim Allen!

I loved 'The Polar Express', so 'Home Alone 4' never sees Kevin on his own! What a bad title!

Nice list :)
Edit: 1 year, 4 months ago

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