TV Characters I Wish Were Real
1643 8 9.21. Arrested Development (2003)
George 'Gob' Bluth II
"I've got the marriage and none of the good parts. It's like so far it's been all chain and no ball."
"I’m the pathetic one, Buster, not you. I totally freaked out in front of that prosecutor today. Like a little girl. In a little dress. Little saddle shoes. Little pigtails."
2760 8 8.62. The Big Bang Theory (2007)
"I'm sorry, I don't understand what social situation this is. Could you give me some guidance in how to proceed?"
Leonard: "Should we have invited her for lunch?"
Sheldon: "No, we're gonna start season two of Battlestar Galactica."
Leonard: "We already watched the season two DVDs."
Sheldon: "Not with commentary."
204 6.2 7.23. Boston Public (2000)
Kevin Riley: "Think before you speak, Harvey."
Marla: "Then he'd be mute."
"Mr. Senate shot off a gun? I woulda rolled in a big cannon if I knew where to get one. I'd have tried anything. And you show me a teacher who doesn't almost lose his or her mind sometimes, and I'll show you a teacher who's not trying."
797 6.8 8.14. Boy Meets World (1993)
948 6.6 7.55. The Cosby Show (1984)
1244 5.7 6.56. Dawson's Creek (1998)
"If you felt one shred of what I feel for you, we wouldn't be standing here having this conversation."
Sheriff John Witter: "Well, be proud of yourself. Enjoy this moment. A loser like you probably won't have many more like it."
Pacey: [to Dawson] "Do you have any idea how many times I set myself for that line, over and over and over again? I just can't stop myself from just trying to get one qualified, "good job, son", out of that bastard. He must be right. I really must be a simpleton."
Dawson Leery: "I know it's not the same, but there are other people in your life who recognize and respect your talent and intelligence. One of them is standing right in front of you. The other one is probably sitting in her bedroom having a perky coronary in anticipation from your return from sea."
1183 5.9 7.27. Everybody Loves Raymond (1996)
900 8.2 98. Freaks and Geeks (1999)
Sam Weir: "What's non-alcoholic beer?"
Bill: "It's just like beer but it doesn't have that ingredient that makes you drunk."
Neal Schweiber: "Alcohol?"
Neal Schweiber: "Had to bring the big rocket, didn't you?"
Bill: "What... I got a big rocket, what am I supposed to do, cut it in half?"
4833 7.8 99. Friends (1994)
511 6.5 7.810. The Golden Girls (1985)
"I never have that problem! Never! I sleep like a log! I never have to get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. I go in the morning. Every morning, like clockwork, at 7 AM - I pee. Unfortunately I don't wake up 'til 8."
Dorothy: "Ma, can you eat quietly?"
Sophia: "These are Fritos, what do you want me to do, swallow them whole?"
1554 6.8 7.411. Gossip Girl (2007)
392 5.8 6.612. Growing Pains (1985)
"Nothing happened. Okay, Mom!? She wanted to sleep with me and I didn't do it. I'm probably gay! You happy now!?"
Ben: [to Jason about his science project] "But you told me to do something that interests me. Mike and Carol interest me more than mold."
Jason: "That's a touching sentiment, Ben. Now cut it out!"
Ben: "What's with him?"
Mike: "He doesn't like you, he never has."
150 7.3 7.713. Happy Endings (2011)
4089 8 8.914. House M.D. (2004)
Dr. Gregory House
"We all need some secrets. As long as they don't kill us, they keep us safe and warm."
Rebecca Adler: "I just want to die with a little dignity."
Dr. Gregory House: "There's no such thing! Our bodies break down, sometimes when we're 90, sometimes before we're even born, but it always happens and there's never any dignity in it! I don't care if you can walk, see, wipe your own ass... it's always ugly, always! You can live with dignity; you can't die with it!"
2585 7.9 8.615. How I Met Your Mother (2005)
249 7.6 8.516. The Inbetweeners (2008)
Simon: "Yeah, well, I’m the only one who can drive so you can fuck off!"
Jay: "I can drive; I took an Army driving course when I was 10."
Simon: "Bollocks! You still wet the bed when you were 10."
Simon: "It's YOUR spunk!"
Neil: "But it's YOUR car!"
Simon: "What… so if I spunked in your face it would be yours?"
734 7.8 8.617. The IT Crowd (2006)
"I came here to drink milk and kick ass...and I've just finished my milk."
Moss: "If you were a murderer, what would your nickname be? Mine would be The Gardener because I'd always leave a rose at the scene of the crime."
Roy: "And what would your murder weapon be?"
Moss: "...A hammer."
922 7.8 8.718. Modern Family (2009)
1882 6.2 7.519. The O.C. (2003)
1187 7.4 8.720. The Office (UK) (2001)
"He's thrown a kettle over a pub. What have you ever done?"
Gareth: "Tim's put my stapler inside a jelly again. That's the third time he's done it. It wasn't even funny the first time."
David Brent: "Why has he done that?"
Gareth: "I told him once that I don't like jelly. I don't trust the way it moves."
2298 7.5 8.921. The Office (US) (2005)
45 8.4 8.222. Outnumbered (2007)
467 8.1 8.623. Parks and Recreation (2009)
138 7.9 8.324. Party Down (2009)
480 7.6 8.225. Queer as Folk (2000)
3087 7.5 8.626. Scrubs (2001)
"Well, when I was in high school I was a volunteer janitor at the Hoboken Zoo. And one night I was out plucking peacock feathers to sell for pens when I noticed Gary the gorilla making the sign for food. I gave him my danish. He gave the sign for thank you. Those were the only two signs that Gary knew. Except for boobs. He liked them big and hairy."
Janitor: "This here's our new flagpole. Why don't you show old glory a little respect and snap off a salute?"
J.D.: "There's no flag up there."
Janitor: "We're at war, my friend. All American flags are on backorder. What do you want me to do in the meantime? Run a pirate flag up there? Maybe turn the whole building into a pirate ship? I could put a captain's wheel up on the roof. Catch a parrot somehow, slap on an eye patch, go to work with a caulk gun, seal her up, make her watertight. I could take her out to sea."
432 8.1 8.727. Shameless (2011)
2538 7.2 8.228. That '70s Show (1998)
1992 7.6 8.129. True Blood (2008)
1428 8.1 930. Twin Peaks (1990)
Special Agent Dale Cooper
"This must be where pies go when they die."
"Diane, it struck me again earlier this morning, there are two things that continue to trouble me. And I'm speaking now not only as an agent of the Bureau but also as a human being. What really went on between Marilyn Monroe and the Kennedys and who really pulled the trigger on JFK?"
1331 7.5 8.131. Weeds (2005)
"I'm glad that our last name isn't Drew. 'Cause then you'd be Nancy Drew and I'd be Andrew Drew."
"Life is just blah, blah, blah. You hope for blah. And sometimes you find it. But mostly it is blah. And waiting for blah. And hoping you are right about the blahs you made and then just when you think you have the whole blah damned thing figured out and you are surrounded by the ones you blah death shows up. And blah blah blah."
1772 6.5 7.232. Will & Grace (1998)
723 7.1 8.433. The Wonder Years (1988)
"All of our young lives we search for someone to love. Someone that makes us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope. All the while wondering if somewhere, somehow, there's someone perfect who might be searching for us."
"When you're a kid, it's simple. Christmas is magic. It's a time of miracles, when reindeer can fly, and Frosty never melts. Then you get older. Somehow, things change. The magic begins to fade. Until something happens that reminds you, at Christmas time... miracles still can be found. Sometimes in the most unexpected places."
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