Top 10 Bar-fight Proof Songs

22   7.4  

"Africa"

Have you ever tried to continue being angry about anything when this song is playing?? The louder it's on the more impossible it becomes. Just one of those things.

91   7.4  

"Don't Stop Believin'"

In a decade of working in various bars I've never once seen a fight break out during this song. For all 4 min. 11 seconds of its play-time every one is every one's friend.

4   7  

"Love Fool"

Throwing punches during this song would just seem foolish.

65   8.6  

"Man in the Mirror"

Another sing-a-long favorite, plus an invitation for self-reflection. If things between your friends get tense, put this one on the jukebox.

244   7.5  

"Shiny Happy People"

The corny-ass guitar intro generally puts people off their Overly-Serious Angry mood before the lyrics even kick in and further discourage them.

Xanadon't's rating:

14   7.9  

"Piano Man"

Has a magical power to convert people's hostility toward one another into pathetic, self-sorry comaraderie within mere seconds.

9   5  

"Everybody Dance Now"

Any potential brawlers ought to stop and wonder what the fuck happened to 2011 long enough for things to cool off.

188   7.9  

"Why Can't I Be You"

A more subtle version of the Toto-factor at work here. Real hard to muster up any kind of bad energy when Robert Smith is having one of his good days.

Xanadon't's rating:

3   7.7  

"Saturday Night"

The nostalgia-factor, the chance to spell out S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y & chant "Night!" as a drunken group, and the super cheesy vocals are generally enough to ease the tension in the room.

A slight, but potential drawback is the possibility of a cat-fight breaking out between two or more former cheerleaders from rival high schools.

2   7  

"Sprach Zarathustra"

More commonly know as the epic intro composition to "2001: A Space Odyssey"

Only to be used in case of absolute emergency or imminent danger.

Even if a brawl has already broken out, whether in the bar or at your raging house-party, often upon hearing this the fueding parties will stop what they're doing, listen, and start to look around for a sign of the coming apocalypse, the revelation of a one, true god, or the approach of a large trojan army of soldiers on foot.

Upon realizing that they've been had, the threat of violence may actually increase. But hopefully by now the bouncers or other authorities have had a chance to neutralize the situation.